


Through An AI, Darkly

by strangegibbon



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Artificial Intelligence, Drama, Dreamscapes, F/M, Psychological Trauma for everyone!, Romance, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-31
Updated: 2012-05-31
Packaged: 2017-11-06 10:10:39
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 43,127
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/417655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strangegibbon/pseuds/strangegibbon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Re-posted from FF.net.</p><p>Shepard and her crew are forced to face their darkest memories following an encounter with an alien probe. Disturbing scenes and adult content set post ME2, various warnings for chapter content.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Into The Nightmare

“Commander? _Commander!”_

Shepard woke suddenly to the grating sound of both static bursts and overexcited pilot chatter over the intercom. 

“What is it, Joker?”

“We have a situation, Commander. You need to get down here right away.”

Shepard sighed impatiently. _There’s always a damn situation._ “What’s going on?”

“Uhh, easier to show and tell.”

“Alright, alright. On my way.”

Pulling on her clothes with a groan she glanced at the clock and saw it was 3am. _A whole 4 hours sleep. Great._ Not that she’d been sleeping particularly well after the mission through the Omega 4 Relay but she might have been able to wring another hour or so out of the night before getting up to pace the corridors of the ship, mind circling furiously. As she stepped out onto the bridge her brain caught up with the rest of her and she suddenly noticed the deafening silence in place of the ship’s usual background hum. Most of the crew was in bed, Joker pulling an overnighter as he was wont to do recently to ‘make sure EDI didn’t suddenly go bananas and deliver their asses to the nearest Reaper’ as he not so succinctly put it. Nearly all of the unmanned terminals were dark and the stars were static.

“What the hell, Joker? Why aren’t we moving? EDI, status report. ”

Joker shot out of his seat, twisting his cap nervously in his hands. “Commander, if you’ll sit down I’ll explain what’s –“

“The hell I will! What’s happened? What did you _do_?”

“It wasn’t me, Commander! Well, not all of it. Listen, EDI picked up a small probe on a scan earlier, origin unknown. She advised we bring it aboard for study and I said okay...”

“And...?”

“And I _know_ I should have checked with you but you were sleeping and, “Joker paused, eyes moving over his consoles uncomfortably, “you haven’t been sleeping well recently, so I didn’t see any harm in leaving it for a while. Shit, this is typical. As soon as it hit the deck a metal...thingy appeared out of _nowhere_ and EDI suddenly went nuts!”

Shepard held up a hand. “A metal thingy? From the probe?”

“Yep, look.” Joker gestured towards the airlock. “I haven’t touched it. “

Sitting in the airlock was a cylindrical unmarked object about 3 metres long. It seemed metallic on first glance but had an odd sheen that made Shepard vaguely uncomfortable to look at. _If I didn’t know any better I’d say it was lurking with intent._ A cable extended from one blunt end, disappearing down into the grated floor underneath.

“That doesn’t look good. What happened to EDI?”

“She said she was being infected. That she had to quarantine the infection in the core and lock out the main systems to protect the ship. After that there was garbled noise and everything went dark. “

“Definitely not good. Can’t you get into the systems manually like before? During the Collector attack?”

“No, Ma’am. EDI was helping me then anyway. Nothing’s responding, believe me I’ve tried, Commander. Luckily environmental systems are on auto.”

_So...drifting, blind and unprotected. Huh. Sounds familar. Least I’m inside a ship this time round._

“Get the others into the briefing room.”

“Yes, Ma’am,” he hesitated, twisting his hat uncomfortably. “Commander, I –“

“Stow it, Joker.”

 

*                        *                         *

 

Shepard looked at the faces around the briefing room. Varying expressions ranged from Mordin’s thoughtful pursed lips to Miranda’s tight faced rage. She watched her shoot death glares at a cringing Joker with vague amusement and made brief eye contact with Garrus who quickly looked away. _Awkward._ Thane gazed at her steadily and she shifted uncomfortably. _Even more awkward. Focus. All that can wait._

“Thoughts? Suggestions? Helpful ones please, people.”

There was a soft buzz and Legion raised a tentative appendage. Shepard suppressed a smile. “Go ahead.”

“We surmise the infection to be of synthetic origin although we are unfamiliar with the source, Shepard-Commander. Perhaps an advanced AI. We suggest ourselves appropriate to the task of studying the anomaly. We have redundant storage to act as quarantine if required."

Tali shifted slightly to look at Legion. “And how do you know you won’t end up like EDI? The virus must’ve spread through her systems pretty quickly. Maybe you’ll reboot to default and try and kill us all again. ” She fingered her pistol hopefully.

“We suggest that the EDI-Program was caught unawares and was forced to shut down to protect the ship. We will take adequate precautions before attempting connection. “

“No other options, Legion?”

“No, Shepard-Commander.”

“Anyone else?”

Mordin sniffed and nodded several times in succession. “The construct’s reasoning is sound. Use a VI to study a VI. I concur.”

“Can’t we just rip the damn cord out?” rumbled Grunt.

“No no no no _no_!” tutted Mordin impatiently. “No telling what might happen if VI threatened by actions. Energy burst, explosion. Or worse...” he sniffed. “Not advisable. Careful study best option. Would prefer to do it myself but lack relevant attachments.” He sniffed again, sounding disappointed.

“Noted, Professor. Ok Legion, “Shepard sighed. “Just don’t make me shoot you.” She shot a glance at Tali. “Or give anyone else an excuse to.”

“Understood.”

 

*                       *                         *

 

The crew gathered around the galaxy map, watching as Legion made preparations. Mordin flitted around nervously, data pad in hand, checking leads and tripping over wires. Shepard strode in last and noticed to her dismay that the only relatively free spot was next to Thane. _Hell. Well I couldn’t avoid him forever._  Negotiating various cables she nodded at him, leaning against a nearby console. He moved closer to her almost imperceptibly and pitched his voice so the rest of the crew could not overhear. She fought down the deep stab of attraction his proximity caused, adjusting her tunic to cover her discomfort.

“I trust you are well, Siha?”

“I’m good, Thane. Little less excitement and a little more rest would’ve been nice though.” Her dismay increased as he drew closer, turning her away from the crew.

“I have been meditating on our last conversation,” he began. Shepard glared at him out of the corner of her eye.

“Not here, Thane.”

He looked amused. “There is no more appropriate place, Siha. Here, you can neither avoid me, leave suddenly nor threaten me with violence.”  

Shepard relaxed at his teasing tone. “It’s true. You have me pinned. Go on then.” She raised one eyebrow slightly, turning to face him.

“I...understand your reasons for not wishing to continue our...relationship. I have tried to respect your decision but I have found myself missing our conversations. I am finding the situation difficult to resolve. You brought me back to myself and I do not wish to leave again so soon. My time is shorter than most but we are all dying, Shepard. In one way or another. For now I simply wish to remind you that I am still waiting.” He touched her hand gently. “I _miss_ you...”

 _Not fair._ “Thane, I understand what you’re saying. I...miss our talks as well. But this really _isn’t_ the right place to discuss this. It’s not fair to either of us and I have work to do. I’ll come see you after we’ve resolved this...whatever it is and we’ll talk properly.”

Thane nodded, touching her hand once again before turning to face the crew. “That is all I ask, Siha.” He murmured.

Shepard turned to face the cockpit, folding her arms. She stole a glance at Garrus standing opposite and started guiltily when she saw him glaring at her sidelong. His eyes moved to Thane and back to her again. _It isn’t what you think, Garrus._ Flushing, she drew her attention back to Legion who was clicking in satisfaction.

“Good to go, Legion?”

“We are, Shepard-Commander. We believe we can interface our protected module with the VI as a maintenance program to avoid detection.”

“Alright, let’s do it.”

She fidgeted with her pistol as Legion made its way over to the object and bent to insert a cable. For a few moments there was silence.

“We believe we have connected safely, Shepard-Commander.”

 _No explosions yet._ She blew out a relieved breath, heard Garrus doing similar and smiled wryly at him. For a moment he simply stared at her then raised a talon, mandibles flaring slightly. _Scratch one._

“We were correct in our calculations, Shepard-Commander. The object appears to be a VI, origin remains unknown. Very advanced. Complicated systems. May take a while to analyse.”

“Take all the time you need, Legion. Can you see any way of freeing up EDI?”

“One moment. Interesting. The VI does not appear to have infiltrated the EDI-program’s systems. It is merely drawing power. There are, however, various unusual sub-routines. Analysing. Correction. These are scanning programs. _Caution._ ”

Legion suddenly straightened, trying to remove the cable from the probe. Shepard darted forward, gun in hand. “What’s wrong?”

Legion glanced at her. “Probe is scanning us, trying to upload data. Disguised analysis as background chatter. Must disconnect before - ”

She watched as Legion spasmed suddenly and clattered to the floor, heard Miranda’s shout of alarm behind her and was on the point of turning when something hit her hard in the back of the head and everything went black.

 

*                                *                                    *

 

_What was I saying?_

She felt momentarily dizzy and shook her head to clear it before continuing down the slope towards the crew who were relaxed in various attitudes around the small grassy area. She stretched luxuriously. The sun was warm on her back and the breeze light. _Did I zone out for a minute there? I’m sure I was talking to Legion-_

For a second she caught an underlying smell of ozone and smoke; a cloud passed over the sun, darkening the sky briefly and raising hairs on her arms at the sudden rush of cold that followed. Just as quickly it was gone and, frowning slightly, she slapped at an insect crawling on her neck, marvelling at the hazy warmth suffusing her limbs.

“C’mon Shepard, Miranda’s about to start.” Garrus beckoned her over and wound a warm arm around her as she plopped herself down next to him. It felt nice so she left it where it was, deliberately avoiding Thane’s gaze by letting her eyes fall shut, tilting her head up and feeling heat bloom in her face. Miranda turned to her flip chart and began outlining their next mission, gesturing with a pointer, Joker heckling intermittently in the background, cap pulled low over his nose. Garrus nudged Shepard slightly and pointed with his chin towards where Tali, Samara and Kasumi giggled together like schoolgirls. Jack was carving her name into a nearby tree.

She sighed with satisfaction and leaned into Garrus, oddly unembarrassed by the unusual show of affection in front of her crew.

 _Another beautiful day on Virmire_.

 

*                               *                                     *

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Shepard

Shepard allowed herself to drift, Miranda's monologue fading in and out of her awareness. She glanced up at Garrus who was watching Miranda with lazy tolerance.  _I've missed him_ , she thought and then frowned.  _Have we been fighting?_  She opened her mouth to ask him and became aware of a sudden silence. The crew was looking at her with serious, contemplative expressions and she felt Garrus remove his arm. She saw a twist of anger flash across Joker's face before it was quickly hidden. He looked away from her focusing his attention pointedly on the distant the horizon.

"Did I miss something?"

Jacob snorted with seeming disgust and Miranda pressed her lips together in irritation before slamming her pointer back onto the flip chart. "We'd all like an explanation please, Commander Shepard."

Confused, Shepard turned her attention to the chart and froze as she saw a familiar image.  _Kaiden._

"I don't underst- "

"Up here please, Commander." Miranda gestured peremptorily. "We're waiting."

_What the hell..._ Too thrown to be angry at Miranda's tone, she made her way to the chart, shivering both at the sudden dip in temperature and the accusatory gaze of the dead Alliance soldier in front of her. The sky was overcast and the wind had picked up, carrying with it a faint smell.  _Again...burning?_ She felt the weight of eyes on her.

"Kaiden Alenko," began Miranda. "An Alliance soldier. You were his superior officer, friend, and if the rumour contains any truth, someone he had  _feelings_  for. Right up until the moment you turned your back on him and left him to die.  _You_ decided to save Ashley Williams, a woman who cared more about her guns than people and a known xenophobe. "

Shepard fought down a familiar pang of guilt. "Kaiden knew the risks. Hell, he  _volunteered_  to lead the strike team. Ash was just following orders. I had to make a choice, a hard one."  _One I regret every single damn day._ "I knew he...had feelings. I couldn't let them get in the way of the mission though. No distractions." She took a steadying breath. "I made the right choice and I'll stand by it." She gently touched the picture. "And I'll live with it."

The silence grew more profound, the air around her seemed to thicken as she turned slowly to face her accusers.

The courtyard was empty.

A chill wind raised goosebumps on her arms, it was night and unfamiliar stars gleamed coldly above her head.  _Wasn't it...afternoon?_ Her neck ached. A single neon light illuminated the grassy area, flickering as the wind picked up even more. There was a skittering in the tree line and her hand automatically went to the space where her pistol usually hung on her hip.  _Shit._ There was barely any light beyond the courtyard and long shadows moved in unsettling patterns. The Normandy shuttle lay out there, somewhere, in the darkness and she shook off a rising feeling of dread at having to step from what little light remained.  _The Spectre, the Hero afraid of the dark. Al-Jilani would have a field day. Just_ _ **go**_ _, dammit._

She willed her feet forward, eyes scanning the darkness, desperately trying to resist looking back at the dwindling patch of light behind her. There was scuffling to her left and her nostrils picked up a faint smell of decay, something both sweet and rotting. The wind carried the sound of a faint moaning and she picked up her pace, trying to regulate her breathing. Ahead she could see a faint point of light outlining the crest of a hill, slowly getting closer.  _The shuttle. Almost there._ Something grabbed at her shoulder, tore through the material of her dress. She gave a hoarse shout of surprise and heaved herself forward slamming her arm backwards, meeting only empty air. Half sprinting half staggering over the summit she heard a rasping moan from the darkness behind her, lost her footing and tumbled, finally coming to rest in a heap at the base of a shallow slope. She pulled herself quickly to her feet and stopped dead.

The shuttle was nowhere to be seen. There was a man walking towards her and he was on  _fire._

The stink of burning hair and flesh hit her and a wave of heat made her skin tingle and itch. "My... _God-_ " _  
_

Her neck stung and putting her hand up to rub it she felt wetness, saw blood staining her palm. She started to back away and then realised if she left the circle of light she'd be plunged back into that moaning darkness with its hidden, decaying pursuers.

" _Shep...ard..."_ She squinted into the flames, circling warily.

"What the  _hell_ are you?"

" _Commander. You...left me. To die. You let me burn..."_   She drew a ragged breath.

"Kaiden..."

" _I trusted you."_ His lips bubbled and blackened, she saw the side of his face melt like wax as he came closer, closer, teeth bared, armour molten.

"No, _no_. This is wrong, I don't – " She was rooted to the spot with horror, she could  _hear_ his hair crackling, the heat hit her in waves. The darkness moved in the fringes of the blaze, shadows gibbered and danced. Kaiden Alenko screamed in rage and agony.

"This isn't real. It's not real. You're  _dead!_ Whoever you are you don't get to fuck with me."She crouched and circled, fists ready. " _Come on, dead man."_

A sudden burst of static jerked her upright, the pain in the back of her neck magnified and the burning man, the howling dark flickered and vanished.

* * *

"Commander."

The ceiling of the Normandy's bridge swam into focus; Shepard felt like she had been kicked in the head and groaned, squeezing aching eyes shut.

"Commander."

Rolling onto her side she pushed herself onto an elbow, wincing at a jolt of pain from her neck. Putting an exploratory hand back she felt a wetness and frowned, a flash of deja vu gone before she could grasp it, her fingertips coming away crimson. 

"Commander, how do you feel?"

"I'm okay EDI, what the hell happened? Wait. EDI? You're online." She sat up slowly, fighting down a wave of nausea and felt something fall from her shoulder to clatter onto floor behind her. Spinning, pistol raised, she saw it was a cable, metal tipped ends stained with blood.  _My blood. Was that thing attached to me?_  And then she saw the others.

Her crew lay in various postures scattered around the bridge, each with a cable snaking into the backs of their necks, tips buried deep. She shuddered involuntarily and moved to the nearest, Joker, hand reaching towards the cable to yank him free.

"I would not recommend that course of action, Shepard." She paused at the AI's warning. "I am not certain but I believe removing the connections to the probe may result in crew fatalities."

"What  _is_ this, EDI. How come you're...working again?"

"When Legion connected to the probe, the VI programs infiltrating my system were redirected and I was able to set up an interference program to prevent further infection. The probe has been draining power since it first connected to the Normandy but at very low transference rates. I believe through Legion's data banks it has discovered a faster, more enduring source, perhaps one it was created to function on originally."

Shepard's eyes moved across her prone colleagues. "It's using them as  _batteries_?"

"Indeed, Shepard. An organic source of power can, in theory, last indefinitely as long as the source remains alive. However this VI is draining high levels of power by manipulating the source brainwaves to maintain high levels of adrenaline. How much do you remember before you were disconnected?"

"Disconnected? I...uh..."  _Flashes of darkness. Panic. A burning man._ "It's hard to...it's like trying to remember a dream. Just pieces. Like that damn Prothean beacon all over again."

"Yes, Commander. The beacon has made your brainwaves harder to match. I believe this is why the probe was unable to manipulate you fully. I was able to set up a buffer of interference similar to my own when the patterns separated briefly. The cable then disconnected itself."

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose. "EDI, this is all way over my head."

"They are trapped in nightmares they are unable to wake from, Shepard. You were able to free yourself long enough for me to separate you from the probe."

Shepard knelt beside Joker. His hat had fallen off and he looked impossibly young. His face was peaceful, relaxed, but laying a hand gently on his chest she could feel his heart racing.

"What can I do, EDI?"

"I'll need some time, Commander."

Shepard sat quietly amongst the bodies of her crew and waited for an answer.

* * *

She woke some time later to find herself curled against Garrus.  _Just like the old days._  On missions they had often shared body heat during cold nights. Their relationship until recently had been one of affection, trust and fierce loyalty. Up until she had offered to act as a 'stress relief' out of curiosity and a pull in her belly she couldn't ignore. Then, as with Thane, she had panicked and backed out and things had got awkward. She missed him and she was pretty sure he thought she'd refused him because of the assassin's interest in her.  _What a mess. Too much of a coward to sort things out with either of them and now I might have my missed my chance._ She rested her forehead against her knees.

"Commander." She jerked in surprise at the sudden noise. "What, EDI?"

"I believe I have found a solution. Unfortunately it may come with significant personal risk."

"Of course it does..." Shepard sighed. "Well I'm a big, damn hero so tell me what I have to do."

"I believe I can match you to individual brainwave patterns to insert you into the consciousnesses of the crew. You will have to find a way to separate them from their dream states."

"So. You're going to shove me into their dreams and hope I can wake them long enough for you to, what, buffer them? Sounds like science fiction to me, EDI."

"It is our only option before they starve to death, Commander." That pulled her up short and she rubbed her eyes wearily.

"I won't get...confused?"

"You will retain impartiality as your interference pattern is already in place."

"Great. And how do I do the separation thing?"

"I have little data other than yours to go on but shortly before your pattern separated from that of the probe there was a massive adrenaline surge."

"So I go in, say _boo_ and out they come? I don't like the idea of taking a walk in someone else's brain." She thought about Jack briefly and shivered.  _ **So**_ _not looking forward to that trip._

"Be careful. Alpha waves are unstable in a dream state. Injuries incurred may be replicated physically. Please re-attach yourself to the cable, I have calibrated it correctly."

"Aw,  _hell. "_  She hissed as the metal prongs dug into her neck.

"Good luck, Shepard. Matching brainwave patterns."

"Wait! To who-"

* * *

She opened her eyes to a dim corridor. There were objects piled against the sides, half hidden in the gloom. The floor felt slippery and uneven and as she started to pick her way carefully forwards her boots clanked loudly. There was a neon gleam of light up ahead, flickering on and off, confusing more than illuminating, and she cursed as she lost her footing and fell to her knees, realising there was a set of shallow steps leading down to doorway. 

_Going to break my neck if I'm not careful._

Peering in, careful to keep as much of herself hidden as possible she saw a large, strange room. The floor was a series of polished stone steps up and down, like some crazy Escher painting. A dank, cold room littered with stones, water dripping from the ceiling. She cocked her head at a low keening noise, instinctively dropping into a crouch. Huddled in the middle of the space on a small raised platform which tipped with his movements, face buried in his knees, was Joker.

 

 


	3. Joker

 

 

Jeff "Joker" Moreau chewed his lip in annoyance.

Three days. Three days now and he was still being followed. It was seriously beginning to piss him off. It was  _weird_ , he couldn't get a proper look, only a vague outline. A woman, he was almost certain. Tall, slim, determined walk. That was just about all he could catch when he glanced at her sidelong. If he turned his head to look at her directly she somehow managed to slip away.  _Probably some flyboy junkie_. Not that he minded girls following him particularly, it was the ever present itch in the back of his neck, the knowledge that someone's eyes were on him, someone he couldn't see, that was driving him mad. It wasn't as if he had the female population of the Alliance academy forming an orderly queue anyway. The girls he got had generally worked their way through the jocks and party boys before deciding that the intense loner with the mysterious limp was the more interesting prospect and the fact he was the top ranked pilot in his year definitely worked in his favour. Until things got physical, of course. Afterwards, crippled and ashamed by the pain which always came with any untoward exertions he would lash out, dismissing them with sarcasm and or blatant indifference. Better that than see pity in their eyes or worse, disgust. 

_Don't need anyone but myself._ _**I'm** _ _the only one allowed to feel sorry for me._

He shoved a hand into his flight suit pocket and closed it around his lucky charm. It had been with him as long as he could remember although he had trouble recalling exactly how and where he'd picked it up. It... _she..._  always made him feel better, calmer, protected. He brought it up to study her in the afternoon sunlight. Some sort of crystal, a woman's figure, arms outstretched. In supplication, maybe? He was never sure but he found the small sculpture beautiful and somehow terrifying. He caught a movement out of the corner of his eye and sighed in irritation.

"You going to stalk me forever or are you going to tell me what the hell you want? This is seriously  _pissing me off._ "

A few people looked round at him but he was too angry to care.  _Aaand she's gone. Again._

He made his way slowly to a nearby park and sat carefully down on the grass turning his face up to the sun.

"Joker."

_That voice. Is that her?_ He felt a lance of pain though his body. Bone-deep cold. Freezing water running down his neck, the ground tipping beneath him.  _No. I'm in the academy park...it's...it's...warm, some girl is following me-_

"Joker, can you hear me?"

~

There was no response from the huddled figure above her. Shepard approached warily, feet slipping on the wet stone steps, nothing to brace a hand against. She looked carefully over either side at the drop to the floor beneath.  _Nasty fall if I slipped._   _Just how many bones would he shatter if he tried to move from there and fell?_ The walls flickered at her approach making maintaining her balance more difficult. Stars filled her field of vision, wheeling and dipping and she crouched, trying to concentrate on the platform as she carefully worked her way towards him.

" _Joker."_

Joker raised his head, looked around unseeingly.

"Stop following me!" His eyes swivelled, looked through her. "Wait, I know you..."

Something crunched under her boots and she looked down to find shards of plastic, melted at the edges. Paint markings, chipped and distorted caught her attention.  _–ANDY- R1._ A model of the Normandy SR1 in pieces _. Oh, Joker._

She looked up as a flare of light came from the walls, leaving her with dancing spots and tears in her eyes. She blinked quickly, trying to clear her vision and found herself looking at a magnified version of her own face.

*                              *                                *

Joker sat on the Normandy pinching the bridge of his nose. It was late and his eyes were dry and aching. He had long since muted EDI who had been badgering him to get some sleep for the past few hours. Instead he watched Shepard on the monitors. She was sat at a table in the mess surrounded by various crew members, talking quietly about her recent mission to Amada, gathering together the dog tags of her deceased former crewmates. She looked calm, a little tired and talked easily but he had seen her colourless lips and the way her eyes had glittered when she'd crept back through the airlock after they'd placed the monument. She'd stopped beside his chair and he'd wanted to say something,  _anything_ , but his throat had locked, memories of those terrible last few moments of the Normandy overwhelming him. She'd gazed at him silently and then walked on, leaving him cursing his ineptitude. 

_Ask a people person._

He often watched her on the monitors these days, sometimes just to reassure himself that her coming back wasn't just some crazy dream. If he was honest, it had become something of an obsession, seeing where she was, who she was talking to. EDI had commented on his 'continuing interest in the Commander's whereabouts' and he'd damn near fractured his thumb muting her. In the mess she was answering a question from Thane and he noted the way the drell's head tilted and his posture adjusted to mimic hers. He touched her arm gently whilst she talked about former crewmates, her expression stilling, face closing off. He saw Garrus tense at this, gaze at his untouched food and then stand up to leave, nodding an abrupt goodbye to her as she eyed his departing back, her expression soft.  _Our Commander's got a few admirers, some more obvious than others._ He touched her face on the screen gently.  _And some she'll never ever find out about._ _Well_ , _we're only mostly human_ he thought wryly.

*                              *                            *

Pausing on the stairs, Shepard watched the images on the walls with a pang, saw in Joker's slumped figure the terrible loneliness under his arrogance and defensiveness.  _Got to get him out of here. Just a little further._

"Come on, Joker! Snap out of it!"

The walls flickered, stars again, moving dizzyingly fast. The stairs were getting steeper, more slippery.

Joker wailed suddenly, the sound echoing off the stones, making her shiver.

"No, no, no, no,  _no! Commander!"_

The stars dipped, there was the flare of an explosion. She saw herself in her N7 armour pulling him up, throwing him into the rescue pod, the last of the Normandy falling away behind her. Saw her terrified face, arms outstretched towards him before a final explosion sent her wheeling backwards, drifting towards the planet below until her gradually weakening movements stopped and her body began to burn. She could hear Joker sobbing helplessly, saw him slamming his hands against the forcefield repeatedly, fingers shattering. "Commander, no!" Over and over she saw her face on the flickering walls, hands scrabbling for purchase, Joker's heart-rending pleas, her body tumbling away.

In front of her, Joker threw his arms over his head, an object dropping out of his grasp and tinkling down the steps towards her. She picked it up, saw a woman's figure in crystal,  _her_ figure frozen in the moment she had drifted away from him trapped in the airlock, watching her fall. There was a smear of blood and she looked up to see blood on his hands where he had been gripping it tightly.  _He blames himself_ she thought, blinking away sudden tears.  _Stupid, stubborn man._  She took a deep breath.

"Pilot,  _pay attention when your CO is speaking to you_!"

Joker's head snapped up and his eyes focused on her immediately. The walls went dark.

"Commander, what-"

"Got to get you out of here, Joker. Stay focused. I need you to-"

The stairs beneath her suddenly shifted, flattened, and she found herself sliding backwards down an impossibly slippery ramp. She lost her balance and fell onto her side, rolling, finally dropping off the bottom with a bone crunching thud onto a metal floor. Winded and gasping she sat up. Her armour was gone. Joker was on his knees in front of her, hands braced against an invisible field, staring at her with horrified eyes.

"Joker, what?"

Looking around she recognised the space and rolled to her feet. The airlock. She was in the Normandy's airlock and she was not wearing a suit.

EDI's voice blared, terrifyingly neutral. "Airlock outer door released in 10, 9, 8..."

"Joker.  _Joker_ get me out of here!  _Please!"_  She watched him look around wildly, stab at buttons on his consoles. Saw him clutch at his head when nothing happened.

" _Not again! I can't watch this again!"_ He smashed his fist against the field helplessly and she winced to see his knuckles crumple. A small crack appeared in the field like flaws in crystal. He stared at it.

"5, 4..." She watched him back up, throw his shoulder against the invisible barrier, heard him cry out at the contact and saw a collarbone pierce skin. Hundreds of tiny cracks appeared, distorting her view of him. She saw him take a few steps back.

"3, 2..." 

_Injuries incurred may be replicated physically._ "Oh, my God, no.  _Joker!"_

He put his head down and charged as the airlock hissed open behind her, she saw the field shatter in a spray of blood and caught him as he collapsed onto her. A burst of static filled her head.

*                          *                            *

Shepard opened her eyes and sat up quickly. A soft moan came from nearby and she yanked the cable out hurriedly, crawling on hands and knees over to where Joker lay. There was blood on his face. There was blood  _everywhere._  Shepard punched her comm.

" _Emergency._ I need a transport to medical, extreme trauma. Dr Chakwas, I'll meet you down there." She put a hand to Joker's face as he opened one eye and tried to speak. "Don't move, don't talk," she said softly. She touched his cheek gently as his eyes drifted shut again. "It's alright, Joker. You saved me."

An exhausted looking Dr Chakwas exited Medical a few hours later, drying her hands.

"He's stable, Shepard. Depressed skull fracture, several broken fingers, a few ribs on his right side, moderate blood loss and a fractured shoulder but he'll live."

"He's a stubborn bastard. Thank you, Doctor. I'll be in C&C if you need me." She hesitated. "There may be more."

Chakwas nodded, silver bob swaying. "Yes, EDI has briefed me. I've prepped the Med Bay in readiness. Do be careful, Commander."

She entered the lift, resting her head against the wall briefly.  _I never suspected_  she thought.  _All that pain, he would never have told me, either._ Still, it was unclear how much he would remember if anything at all. Time would tell.

Shepard strode onto the bridge. "Next. A little warning would be nice too, EDI." She reached for the cable.

"Apologies, Shepard. I have been able to match you to the human crew more easily than the alien crew members, they will take more time. However, the Justicar seems to be partway attuned to your nervous system, which is unexpected."

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. "Er...maybe it's an asari thing, part of the code…"

"Unlikely, Shepard. I believe the asari only begin to attune themselves when they are interested in mating-"

"It doesn't matter, EDI! Is she the nearest match?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Then let's do it."

* * *

She awoke to a dull, gunmetal sky. She was lying on her back, her fingers flexed, ground shifting with her movements. She sat up warily.  _Grey sand._  Ash floated around her, drifting down like snow, burned, blackened trees littered the featureless dunes. She scanned the horizon and saw, in the distance, a small cluster of buildings. Several figures moved between them and she thought she could make out the glint of weapons.

_Me against a small asari army. Could have been worse._

"Here we go again."

 

 


	4. Samara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark themes in this chapter - possible trigger content, some sexual content

Shepard lay on her belly, squinting across the strange, grey dunes to the squat buildings, trying to get a measure of how many patrols there were.  _Samara must be inside one of these structures._ She smiled grimly.  _Now_ _ **this**_ _I can handle. No hidden monsters, no burning men and no damn airlocks. Straightforward. Charge in, guns blazing, save the day._  This place unnerved her though and not just the thought of it being someone else's mental construct. The air was too still, the sky heavy and unchanging. A dying sun flickered weakly at the lip of the horizon. Dust floated through the air and she could taste ashes in her mouth, everything around her long dead and forgotten.  _Samara's 1000 years old. Most of what she knew will be decayed and gone._

She crept forward warily using the little available cover and the breaks in patrol patterns to ease herself closer. With some dismay she realised the efficiently patrolling figures were Asari commandos.  _Crap. This is going to be tough._

There were four buildings in all, equally as non-descript as the other and offering no clues as to which one Samara was being held in. If she was even here at all.  _Going to have to do this the hard way, sweep each one and hope I get lucky._ She wished briefly her team was with her and then quashed the thought almost immediately as an unbidden memory of crouching next to Thane whilst waiting for a break in enemy fire rose in her mind. She remembered the musky sweet smell of him and the feel of his breath on her cheek and shivered slightly. Irritated at her lapse of concentration she shook her head to clear it.  _Really not the time._

She decided to head for the furthermost building, skirting in a wide circle and flattening herself against the wall, listening for footsteps. As the patrol rounded the corner she cloaked quickly, dodged behind her and tightened her elbow around the Asari's neck before she had time to cry out. Gritting her teeth she pulled and twisted, laying the limp body down carefully and stilling briefly, head cocked.  _No running feet. Maybe have a few minutes before they notice one of their guards has disappeared._ She peered round the corner of the building cautiously.  _Clear._ Darting forward, she slapped the door release and edged inside, finding herself in a small room, dark and musty smelling. A lone window was set into the opposite wall and she could dimly see the outline of an adjacent door. Muffled voices drifted towards her as she edged closer to the window, keeping low.

Two Asari stood with their backs to her, listening to a white coated third. She recognised Samara. The younger Asari next to her, though…Shepard frowned.  _Is that Morinth?_  She saw Samara's shoulders stiffen at the doctor's words, saw her place a hand on Morinth's arm and was shrugged off impatiently. She strained to hear their conversation but could only pick up snatches.

"...no civilised society... _abomination..._ "

"...recommendations, Doctor..."

"Exile, or..."

Shepard saw Morinth turn away from the both of them to stand looking contemplatively towards the window where she hovered, listening. Her eyes darkened and a sly smile flickered over her face as she bit the tip of a finger. Shepard felt the roll of power through the walls even before she saw the biotic flash which threw her backwards across the room. Staggering to her feet she peered through the window again to see Samara pick herself up groggily from the floor, stopping briefly to check the unconscious doctor before sprinting off in pursuit.

Morinth had disappeared.

_This is the memory of her escape, then. After they got the news of her...condition._ _Samara became a Justicar, gave up everything to track Morinth down and stop her killing._

She followed, diving and rolling through the door, weapon ready.  _What the hell?_

She stood in a small clearing. The air was heavy and humid, moisture dripped steadily from the overhanging trees. Everything was eerily silent, no birds sang, no tiny movements stirred the undergrowth. Little pinches of sky could be seen through the canopy overhead. Her nostrils flared as she caught a scent, rich and metallic.  _Blood. Lots of it._ The clearing narrowed, feeding into a small, well trodden path which wound through the gloom. Shepard followed it, flexing uncomfortably under her armour as sweat trickled down between her shoulder blades. There was a whisper of movement ahead of her. The trees suddenly parted to reveal Samara standing in profile. Bodies littered the scorched ground around her. Men, women and children lay blackened and burned in various unnatural poses at her feet. There was blood on her clothes, splashed across her face. She was staring at her crimson smeared fingers.

"Samara?"

She seemed not to hear her. "So many…" she said softly. "She would sacrifice so many to save herself. Innocents under her thrall, she made them  _worship_  her." She straightened, chin lifted and biotics flaring. "No longer is she my daughter. She is an  _abomination._ There will be no mercy, by the Goddess _._ "

Her head whipped around suddenly to fix on Shepard, eyes blazing.

"Samara, you- "

"Get  _away!_ "

Shepard felt herself picked up, whirled and thrown, landing with bone crushing force on her back. Winded, she lay still for several seconds struggling to draw air back into her lungs, feeling abused ribs creak.  _Could have been worse_  she thought ruefully.  _She could have killed me._  Wincing, she rolled and stood, noting with resignation that Samara had vanished. Bloody footprints led a trail back into the forest.

* * *

Eventually she came upon a disused hut, moss climbing the walls, rotting wooden door partially open. Shepard squinted into the darkness from the cover of the trees, wiping a thin film of sweat from her face. The bloodstained prints had disappeared some time ago but she had followed crushed plants and disturbed earth in the hope that she was still on the Justicar's trail and not just wandering aimlessly.  _Damn, should've asked. EDI said my mind will reject the notion that all this is real even though I can_ _get hurt here. But can I get stuck here? Might've had second thoughts otherwise. Shit._

She heard the faint creak of a floorboard from within the hut but saw no movement. Taking a deep breath she charged and skidded, bringing her gun up swiftly. "Samara, stand dow- "

Dimly she heard the door slam behind her before she was blinded by a sudden light. The gun was knocked from her hands and she felt the press of bodies around her, a pulse beat insistently in her head and she realised it was music. Really  _loud_  music. She felt herself jostled from several directions at once; hands ran lightly over her shoulders and down her flanks _. Not again. Where the hell did my armour go?_  She realised she was wearing the ridiculously tight leather dress Kasumi had gifted her with on the graybox mission. Disorientated, she forced herself through the gyrating crowd. A drink was placed in her hand and a warm pressure in the small of her back guided her to a nearby alcove. Her limbs felt heavy and warm and she allowed herself to be led, eyeing the drink suspiciously.

"What the hell. If I'm in someone else's fantasy I might as well enjoy  _some_ of it." She downed the drink and turned to find lips suddenly pressing against hers. She caught a flash of pale eyes from the dark of the dance floor before the constantly moving figures obscured it. Arms came around her stroking up her ribs gently, drifting up her bare inner arms and across her shoulders.  _Feels good._  She pushed back slightly and smiled up into familiar Drell features.

"What's a nice assassin like you doing in a place like this?"

Thane said nothing, merely smiled, and, turning sharply, drew her further into the shadows, trapping her against the wall with his body His lips were insistent on her neck. Tendrils of heat crawled up her spine as his fingers danced down the sides of her breasts and his mouth caught hers again. She felt him press his hips against hers, smelt his heady scent of musk and leather.

_Wait._

He kissed her more deeply, hands tightening on her shoulders. Eyes watched from the shadows and turned away, the lights flashed faster, whirling patterns on the walls and floor making her head spin. She saw a door open and close on the far side of the club.

_That was Samara. Remember the mission, goddammit!_ _You got distracted and let your groin do the thinking._

She shoved Thane away suddenly, dodging his grab for her wrist and dove into the throng of people. Immediately she was surrounded, hands running over her, people grinding themselves against her. Her body was on fire. Gasping, she started to shove herself through, twisting away from insistent fingers, mouths. Looking back briefly she saw the mass of people behind her parting, Thane casually moving through them towards her and the urge to throw him down right there on the dance-floor even with an audience was almost overwhelming. A hand palmed her breast, another reached down to stroke her gently and she groaned.

"No..."

With an almighty effort she tore her gaze away and fought through the remaining dancers, throwing herself through the doorway with a cry.

She stood panting and dishevelled in a small, brightly lit room. Large windows filtered light onto a glass mobile hanging from the high ceiling and colours danced along the walls. She could hear music, very faintly, from elsewhere in the complex and a sweet, familiar smell drifted around her.

"Shepard."

Samara sat cross-legged in a pool of sunlight, her back to her, looking out at the rolling hills and the gently moving trees visible through the window.

"Samara. Don't up and leave again before I get a chance to explain. None of this is real, you're trapped in some fantasy world an AI has created and I'm here to break you out." She moved towards her warily.

"I know, Commander."

Shepard's mouth dropped open in astonishment. "You-  _what_? You knew? I went through all of that to get to you whilst you ran away from me to sit here on your  _ass_  and admire the view?  _Why_?" Shepard clenched her fists, suddenly furious. "Was all of...that...with...with _...your_  doing?"

She rounded on her and stopped dead. Samara held a tiny infant in her arms, head bowed. It cooed softly, eyes wide, and smiled guilelessly.  _A baby._ _ **Her**_ _baby. Morinth._ All the anger drained out of her suddenly leaving her tired and limp. "Just tell me why, Samara."

"I killed my daughter, Shepard." Samara said softly. "She was a murderer, killed hundreds with no regret, no mercy and she  _enjoyed_  doing it. I did what was necessary. But these things you do not forget." She touched her chest briefly. "These memories are the ones that remain, even after all the pain and bloodshed, the endless pursuit." She raised her face to Shepard's and she flinched to see the depth of the despair in those ageless eyes.

"You are not a mother, Shepard. The sense memories associated are stronger than that of any lover's attentions." Samara closed her eyes. "I killed her, but...I remember how she smelt, the weight of her. Her arms around my neck, her breath on my cheek." Tears welled and spilled down her face. "Her smile. The warmth of her body."

Shepard sat carefully. "I don't understand, Samara. Why would you want to stay in a place like this? Filled with these memories?"

"Those you have lost, Shepard. What would you give for another precious hour with them? Another minute, another  _second_?"

"I..." She sat silently as the Asari cradled her daughter. "We can't stay here. You'll die."

"Some would say I am dead already, that I have lived too long." She opened her eyes, pale orbs moving around the room before fixing on her daughter once more. "I am bound to you, Commander. Through all this I remember my oath...I know what I have to do. Just...a little longer." She kissed her baby gently.

Shepard looked away. The soft  _crunch_  when it came made her jaw clench and her eyes sting. She saw Samara lie the tiny, limp body on the floor.

The pain of the static behind her eyes was almost welcome.

* * *

Her ribs hurt and under the armour she was sticky and uncomfortable. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Samara rise to her feet gracefully and turn towards the door.

"Wait. Samara...are you...okay?"

The Asari paused. "I am fine, Shepard. I thank you for your intervention. We will not speak of these things again. Please. I must meditate." The elevator door hissed shut behind her.

Shepard bit the inside of her cheek, tasting blood. "I'm going to hit the showers, EDI."

"Understood, Commander."

She sat on the floor of her shower trying to rid her mind of the Justicar's eyes on her, the feel of hands on her body until her fingers pruned and the skin on her back stung.  _Get up._ Her aching body refused to move, knees pulled tight to her chest.  _Get_ _ **up**_ _. People's lives depend on you._

"When do they  _not._..?" Painfully she pulled herself upright and dressed quickly.

* * *

"What's up next, EDI?"

"Operative Lawson is showing very high levels of adrenaline, Shepard. I would make her your next priority."

"I shudder to think what Little Miss Perfect has hiding in  _her_  closet. Hope it's nothing too distracting. Like, for example, a mass orgy." Her face flamed as she remembered almost succumbing to sensation and want in the darkened club. She should feel dirty and violated but her belly swooped treacherously. Her gaze strayed to Thane's prone body.

"I do not understand, Commander."

"And I really don't want to elaborate. Logging me in, EDI." She shoved the cable into the back of her neck with a grimace.

She was sitting on a low wall outside a large mansion. Silk whispered around her and she picked up the folds of the white nightdress, rubbing the smooth material between her fingertips.  _No guns. Of course._  She looked up to see a white face peer out briefly from one of the upstairs windows before the curtains were drawn quickly. She hopped off and winced at a sudden sting in her foot. Shards of glass surrounded her, covering the small patio between her and the house. A cold wind blew from inside and she saw an indistinct figure turn to climb the stairs with slow, heavy footsteps.

_This is gonna hurt._

TBC

 


	5. Miranda

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dark themes and possible trigger content, suggestions of abuse/non-con.

Miranda sat on the floor beside the bed, knees pulled to her chest. She heard the faint crunch of glass coupled with fainter swearing and smiled grimly. Her father had no doubt paid handsomely for the latest bovine little rich girl to provide her with companionship. Morons, the lot of them _._ Still, it would be interesting to see how long this one lasted. After she had finished with them they never stayed long and if they proved especially tenacious the 'special attentions' of her father were usually the final nail in the coffin. Of course they never bleated to their families, Father made sure of that. _Human life,_  he would say,  _is so fragile. The galaxy is such a chaotic, unpredictable place. I do hope your family continues to prosper without my patronage._

Most of the girls got it straight away and left quickly, pale and tight lipped. The ones that didn't, the ones that smiled and simpered and thanked him, received his cruellest smile. The one he reserved for Miranda alone.  _Tell anyone what you've seen here, bitch, and I'll kill every person you ever gave a shit about._

Lately, she'd been able to drive away most of the girls before they ever got to that point. She considered it a personal failure if they stayed around too long. She heard the squeak of a footstep on the bottom stair and pulled a small metallic object from under her mattress.  _Showtime._

* * *

Shepard inspected the soles of her feet, grimacing. Gritting her teeth she pulled out a particularly wicked looking sliver from her heel and regarded the smeared blood she'd tracked in from the patio.  _This would be a hell of a lot easier with medigel._ She wondered briefly if her foot was bleeding back on the Normandy. Not that she'd ever know. Her healing abilities were vastly accelerated by the biotics Cerberus had 'gifted' her with.  _Could always test the theory by going to the bathroom here and seeing what I woke up lying in back on the Normandy._ The thought made her snort suddenly and a little bubble of hysteria rose in her chest.  _Sleep. Need more sleep._

At the small noise there was a sudden flurry of heavy footsteps from upstairs. She heard a door open and a low voice mutter something indistinct. After a few moments the door shut again and there was a muffled drag of furniture being moved.

Shepard peered into the dark hallway. It seemed to go on a long way. No furniture, no pictures on the walls. The house smelled…it smelled of nothing at all. Sterile. She tilted her head and squinted up the long narrow staircase. There were clearly people up there, the noises and the figure at the window proved that. She wished she had her pistol with her and resigned herself to the fact she would probably be without it for most if not all of the missions.  _No_   _easy way out for me or anyone else._   _Up we go then._ She stiffened slightly as the first step creaked under her foot and crept upwards.

She paused on the landing, attention caught by a large oil painting facing her, the only décor she had seen since entering the mansion. It depicted what looked like a human figure sitting in a chair, ankles together. A dark cloth was draped over the bowed head and shoulders, the wrists manacled and settled in the lap. Even though the face was covered Shepard got the distinct impression that the figure was watching her and shivered slightly.  _That's disturbing._

Three doors were set into the walls around her. The silence was heavy and absolute.

"Miranda." she pitched her voice low and tilted her head, listening.

" _Miranda._ "

One of the doors opened suddenly, a pale hand flying out to drag her in. Shepard stumbled in surprise. "What- ?"

" _Shut up"_ Miranda hissed, white faced. "Do you want him to hear you?"

"Who?"

"My  _father_  you idiot. He'll kill us if we disturb him."

Shepard regarded Miranda in the dimness of her room. It was stifling and the only light came from a narrow gap between heavy curtains. She looked pale and thin and much younger than her Normandy counterpart.  _She's a child_ thought Shepard. She was dressed in a similar oversized white shirt to Shepard's own and was staring back at her defiantly, looking her up and down.

"You're my new  _companion_ , then." Her lips quirked. "If I were you I'd get out of here as quickly as possible." She sat down on the bed. "It's not safe here."

"Can't. Got to stay until the job's done. How old are you?"

"Fifteen. Old enough to know when I'm being bullshitted. What job?"

Shepard leaned back against the nearest wall, jerking forward in surprise as her back encountered sharp edges. Miranda smiled unpleasantly. "Watch yourself there."

Turning, Shepard saw a thousand splintered reflections blinking back at her. There were other mirrors around the room, all similarly shattered.

"I like what you've done with the place. Got a thing against mirrors? What's with all the glass downstairs?" She perched on a nearby desk warily. "Your windows aren't broken, where did it come from?"

"Mirrors are the only things that stay broken around here" Miranda replied, turning a metallic object over and over in her hands, ignoring Shepard's question. She held a tiny blade up to the shaft of light from between the curtains.

"Fine, I'll bite. What do you mean?" She folded her arms impatiently.

Miranda looked up and Shepard stilled at the blankness in her eyes. She suddenly looked a lot older than her fifteen years. "You should leave. I can't…I can't stop him from hurting you. He's waiting. He knows you're here. He'll do to you what he does to me but you won't be alright. You won't fix yourself. I can fix myself. See?"

Shepard flinched as Miranda slowly drew the tiny blade down her face, the blood shockingly red against her pale cheek. As she watched the trickle dried, the cut healing almost instantly leaving the skin underneath unmarred.

"Perfect Miss Miranda. On the outside where I never scar. The inside, oh the  _inside_  is a different story." She pressed the blade into her bottom lip, tongue tasting the sudden well of blood.

"Stop it, Miranda."

"It helps. My father- "

"Can't hurt you. You're much stronger than him – you have biotics, training. All you have to do is  _remember._ "

Miranda's brow furrowed in confusion. "I don't have biotics. He made me heal fast, he made me smart, he made me pretty. He likes pretty. He likes to touch pretty."

_Oh my God._ "Are you saying…? But he's your  _father."_ Miranda gave a humourless laugh. "Don't be naïve. He made me.  _Designed_ me. He's not my father, not really. I'm an advanced form of masturbation to him."

_I've got to get her out of here._ "Let's go, maybe you'll think more clearly outside of this damn room." She stood, pulling Miranda to her feet. "Come on."

"I don't understand. Why are you still here? Get out. Get out before- "

Shepard felt all the air rush out of her as she was slammed flat on her back, a heavy cloth thrown over her face. She felt pressure over her mouth and throat and scrabbled frantically at the thick wrists holding her down.

" _Daddy, don't hurt her!"_

"Why, Miranda," said a deep voice, rough and sardonic. "There's no need to be jealous. I'll make sure I give you just as much attention afterwards. I hope you don't mean to cause me trouble, you remember what happened last time. What you made me do."

"I'm sorry, Daddy. _Please_ \- "

"She was going to take you outside, Miranda. You know that's not allowed. You're not to leave my sight without my say so. Hmm." Shepard felt one hand travel down her throat and breasts before moving between her legs and renewed her struggles. "She's got fight. I like that. You're far too passive these days."

Shepard kicked out violently and heard a pained grunt. She rolled to her feet quickly and backed towards the bed. "Get away from me, you sick  _bastard_. You touch either of us and I'll kill you." She pulled Miranda behind her and hissed "when I say move, run for the door."

"I…I can't."

"You  _can._ You can do this, You  _will_ do this, I promise you. You'll get away from him, you're strong. And you'll do the same for your sister."

Miranda flinched. "Oriana…"

"Yes, Oriana. You think he won't do the same to her?"

Shepard turned slightly away from Miranda's father to address her directly, keeping him in her eyeline. He seemed enormous to her.  _Is this how she remembers him?_ He moved faster than she anticipated, streaking towards them and Shepard gasped and gagged at the hand suddenly clamped around her throat, vision blurring at the edges.

" _Go"_ she managed. Miranda didn't move.

"For God's sake, Miranda, I can't –" Shepard felt the strength draining out of her limbs, her struggles growing weaker.  _I'm suffocating! Please not again, God, not_ _ **again**_ _._ She heard him laugh and begin to rip her nightshirt away from her. " _Miranda-_  "

" _Get the fuck off her!_ "

A deep red gash suddenly appeared on the wrist holding her neck and he howled in pain, dropping her, dazed, to the floor. She saw him whirl on his daughter furiously. "You'll regret that you little  _bitch."_

"You can hurt me all you like. But I won't let you hurt her and you will _not_ touch Oriana _!"_

"And how will you stop me, little girl?"

Shepard saw Miranda's slight figure dart around her prone form and charge her father. She saw her smash into him at full speed and she kept on going, screaming defiantly, sending both of them crashing through the window and out of sight.

* * *

Shepard gasped and sat up, clutching her throat. The cable clattered behind her.  _I can breathe. I can breathe._ She took some deep, slow breaths, trying to slow the frantic pounding of her heart. Miranda sat with her back to her, hands lax in her lap.

"Miranda- "

"Thank you, Shepard." She said quietly without turning around. "I'm sorry about what happened in there. "

"There's nothing to be sorry about, Miranda." She hesitated, grasping feebly at placatory words.  _Strap it on. Be her Commander._ "I didn't know- "

"No-one knew, Shepard, that's the point. No-one but me and him." She rose suddenly. "I'm tired. Commander, if you'll excuse me." She paused at the elevator and half turned. "I **'** ve dealt with what happened to me as a child. Thought I'd put it all behind me. But the probe…it  _knew_. When I was very bad, my father used to…use me and then throw me through that window like I was  _nothing_. It didn't matter because I'd always heal up afterwards, ready for the next time. I haven't thought about these things in years."

"You didn't deserve that. Any of that."

"I know. I know that. Just…be careful, Shepard." Miranda looked around at their crewmates. "It'll take the worst thing that's ever happened to them and use it against you."

After she had left, Shepard curled onto her side for a long time, hands over her face.

* * *

"Commander Shepard, my calculations suggest you have been without sleep for thirty two hours."

"Your point, EDI," said Shepard wearily, voice muffled against her hands.

"Four hours either way will not adversely affect the crew still attached to the VI. I recommend you try and sleep and attempt to recharge your own batteries."

"Was that a joke, EDI?"

"Yes, Commander. I am attempting humour through metaphor."

"Don't give up the day job." She dragged herself to her feet with a groan and winced as her head thumped dully. "I'm going to get some rack then. Wake me if the universe is ending."

"I would also recommend applying medigel to the contusions on your neck beforehand." Shepard felt her neck gingerly.  _Guess that answers the bleeding feet question._ "Thanks, EDI, I will."

"Logging you out, Shepard."

"If only."

TBC.

 


	6. Interlude 1 - Pulse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A brief pause between the main acts to address an onboard issue.

"Commander."

Shepard rolled over and groaned.

"Commander, there is a situation in CIC."

Shepard sat up slowly, head pounding. "How long was I out, EDI? I feel terrible."

"Two hours, Shepard. However, there is an issue in CIC which requires your attention."

Shepard groaned again, pressing hands to her aching temples. "What's going on?"

"Subject Zero's biotics are showing signs of instability. I believe she may represent a threat to other members of the crew. Specifically Officer Vakarian."

Shepard sat up abruptly. "Explain."

"She is generating intermittent biotic bursts. In the last hour Mr. Vakarian has sustained three separate third degree burns. Two on his chest, one-"

Shepard was already up and sprinting for the elevator.

The smell of burnt cloth and flesh assaulted her nostrils as soon as the CIC doors opened and she staggered momentarily, a sudden wave of dizziness and nausea sweeping over her. Garrus lay on his side a few feet from Jack and she could see a slight heat haze around the unconscious woman. As she moved towards them she saw the tell-tale blue glow of her biotics pulse into life and felt the pressure of air around the bridge increase suddenly. Without thinking she threw up a barrier and hurled herself in between the two prone figures, trying to shield as much of Garrus as was possible with her smaller frame. There was a rush of superheated air, a smell of ozone and Shepard gritted her teeth as it blew through her barrier and flayed the skin on her back. It was over just as quickly and she gasped in relief as the cool air of the bridge hit her burned skin.

"A little warning next time please, EDI" she muttered, feeling gingerly around her shoulder and hissing in surprise at the tenderness of the skin on her back. Goddammit. Looks like I'll have to pry this tank top off. That'll teach me to come running down here in nothing but my underwear.

"The bursts are being generated approximately every 20 minutes or so, Shepard. Each time they are more intense than the last. I recommend caution."

"Of course you do."

Shit. Garrus' civvies were a mess. The cloth of his tunic was scorched and melted to the plates of his chest in several places. Luckily the bandages already covering the recovering skin of his face had taken the brunt of any further damage and from his waist down he seemed relatively untouched. Shepard gently rolled him onto his back. Immediately his spine arched, arms and legs spasming convulsively before finally becoming still. Shepard leaned over him feeling her throat clench in fear. No, no, no, come on, Garrus!

"What the hell was that, EDI?" she moved her fingers to his neck frantically, sighing in relief when she felt a strong, steady pulse. A sharp pain darted through her temples and she rubbed her face with shaking hands.

"I believe that that was a reaction to you moving Officer Vakarian. Perhaps a warning. I would advise against moving him again."

"Get Dr. Chakwas down here. Tell her I need gauze and medigel. How much time do we have?

"Approximately 12 minutes, Shepard."

The elevator doors hissed open a few minutes later.

"Commander, what-"

"Stay there." Chakwas halted in surprise.

"Throw the supplies over to me. Now, Doctor." Shepard caught them easily and quickly unwrapped them. "Now get the hell out of CIC. There's nothing more you can do here." The older woman hesitated briefly then nodded and retreated back into the lift.

"Commander-"

"Go."

Gently Shepard began to peel away the remains of Garrus' tunic, wincing as she revealed the raw, exposed skin underneath. His plates were charred slightly, the reflective armour native to the turians as a protection against their home world's radiation had deflected a lot of the damage. However the skin in between the plating was severely burned and blackened.

"Five minutes, Commander."

"Noted." She smoothed a hand over his chest gently, catching sight of her blurry reflection. He's warm. And shiny. I can almost see my own face in him. Carefully she applied the gel to his skin, quickly covering the treated areas with a layer of gauze.

I've rarely seen him without his armour, let alone in casual clothes. She grinned briefly. He'd have a fit if he knew I was looming over him in nothing but my underwear. She sat back on her heels and considered him, her eyes moving from his broad shoulders down to his narrow waist. _Always wondered what he looked like underneath though._ He was finely muscled, strong and wiry. Almost of its own volition her hand ran down the uninjured side of his mandible, fingers drifting down his neck and across a shoulder. She moved closer, gently tracing his fringe, exploring his jaw, feeling his breath on her cheek. She rested her forehead against him briefly, eyes closed. _I'll get you out of there, Garrus. I promise. Then-_

"Shepard, I advise moving to a safe distance to prevent further injury. Thirty seconds." Shepard jerked back guiltily.

"I can't. And I can't move him either. I'm staying here until I come up with a way to keep him safe. No arguments, EDI."

She moved across him and threw up another barrier, bracing herself. When the blast hit she heard a shriek from far away and was mildly surprised to recognise her own voice before she blacked out completely.

She opened her eyes to a vista of stars and realised to her confusion that she was back in her cabin. As she struggled to sit up, a cool hand pressed her back against the pillows.

"It's alright, Commander." Chakwas' face swam into focus. She felt the doctor fiddling with something at her wrist and looked down to see an IV running into her hand. "You sustained severe burns to your back and you were already moderately dehydrated, not to mention chronically sleep deprived. You've been out for five hours."

"Garrus- "

"Is fine. I fetched Operative Lawson and the Justicar after you so rudely threw me off the bridge." She smiled. "They've been taking it in turns to maintain biotic fields around him since your heroic last stand. They carried you up here."

"Thank you, doctor. They can't keep it up forever and I have work to do." She removed the IV before a disapproving Chakwas could react.

"Commander-"

"I've slept, I'm rehydrated and my burns are treated. I don't think there are any other outstanding issues. I need to find out what's setting Jack off."

"At least eat something!"

"I'll drop by the mess on the way down."

Shepard strode onto the bridge, coffee in hand. Miranda and Samara sat talking quietly. They both looked up as Shepard approached, kneeling briefly beside Garrus, checking his dressings. She grunted with satisfaction. _Healing up nicely._

"We have been talking, Shepard," said Samara levelly. "As evidenced by my experiences whilst connected to the probe I am not susceptible to its manipulations."

Shepard snorted, gently turning Garrus' head to check his mandible. "As far as I could make out you wanted to stay in the fantasy it created for you." Shepard stood, folding her arms and regarded the Justicar thoughtfully. "To the point of setting a nightclub crowd on me. What point are you trying to make exactly?" Samara's eyes flickered.

"I am…ashamed of my conduct, Commander. I wish to make amends for my behaviour. Let me be the one to enter Jack's mind-state in your stead. Dr. Chakwas believes you need more rest."

"Denied. My crew, my job. Your job is to maintain this field to protect Ga- the others whilst I yank Jack out before she fries my ship"

Miranda gave the asari her best I-told-you-so look and shrugged. Shepard settled herself on the floor, wincing slightly as clean, stiff clothes rubbed against her still sore back. "We good to go, EDI?.

"I believe so, Commander." Shepard reached for the connecting cable and paused. _Never hurts to have a back-up plan._

"Your amended Code still binds you to my orders, Samara?"

"It does."

"If anything happens to me in there, the rest of the mission is yours."

"I understand, Commander."

People pressed around her, jostling and shoving their way past impatiently. Shepard blinked, momentarily confused by the susurrating mass. The floor under her feet was littered with scraps of paper and she bent to pick one up, almost losing her balance as more bodies cannoned into her. Betting slips? She heard a muffled thump and felt her ears vibrate at a huge roar from somewhere in front of her. How many people are there in here? How the hell am I going to find Jack? The heat was suffocating and she felt dizzy, letting herself drift along with the crowd briefly, eyes closed. People were shouting all around her and on finding a rail in front of her she grasped and leaned against it. A sudden blast of hot air jerked her upright with a gasp and she opened her eyes to find herself looking down onto a small arena. The crowd roared again and she focused on the diminutive, furiously circling figure in the middle.

"Come on! Who's next? I'll take you all on!"

_Shit. Looks like I found her._

TBC.


	7. Jack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moderate violence, possibly some trigger content.

_Fuck, yeah._

Jack went up on her toes, stretching languorously as little rills of pleasure flowed down her spine. Through half lidded eyes she watched as her latest combatant was dragged from the arena, his body tracking a wide swathe of crimson into the dirt floor.

_Not as strong as you thought, huh? Got good odds on you too._ She patted a pocket, feeling for her betting slips and hummed in delight as another wave of warmth flooded her.  _Money, drugs and violence, could get used to this. Sex is missing but I'm pretty sure that can be arranged._ She rolled her shoulders and eyed the crowd hungrily.  _They're getting off on this as much as I am._

Prickles travelled her body followed by a chill of sweat and she fingered her implant involuntarily, suppressing a shiver. The short-lived high which followed a kill was wearing off leaving her suddenly twitchy and irritable.

"Who's next?"

Shepard picked her way down towards the arena keeping a careful eye on the crowd. No-one seemed to pay her any attention, their focus was the gesticulating figure pacing the makeshift ring. One or two looked up briefly as she passed, eyes moving over her armour. One batarian pulled at her arm, grinning.

"Will you fight her? I no see her lose yet. Two human womans I _like_."

"Get that off me before I break it off. Right now." The batarian raised his hands appeasingly. "I want to talk to her. Know how I can get in?"

"Talk krogan." He gestured towards a makeshift gate set into one of the arena walls. "Fight."

_Wonderful._

The krogan gatekeeper, predictably hefting an enormous gun, looked her up and down as she approached before grunting approvingly. "Nice armour. She'll blast it into pretty pieces for you. If you're lucky."

"Not here to fight, just want to talk to her."

"She ain't interested in talking. You want to see her you sign up." He jerked his head towards a small knot of people. "Get in line."

" _Shep!_ The hell you doing here?"

Shepard peered around the krogan to see Jack's face grinning at her from between the bars of the gate.

"I, uh…"

"Come to help me out here? Up for a little violence?" She shoved the krogan. "Let her in, jackass, she's a friend of mine."

Grumbling, the krogan unbarred the gate and stood aside to let Shepard pass. She moved into the arena, shielding her eyes from the too bright lights. Once inside the noise from the crowd was almost overwhelming, their faces impossible to pick out against the glare. Jack clapped her on the back, hard.

"Finally came down to see me, huh? Never thought you'd leave that damn ship of yours, I gotta say. You like my little set-up here? It's  _sweet._ " She turned in a circle slowly, arms outstretched. "All of this for me. So, how you been? Still saving the fucking galaxy?"

Shepard hesitated.  _Telling her this isn't real won't make a lot of difference here. Go with it, find an opening._ "Same old, same old. You been down here long, Jack? I forget."

Jack shrugged. "Long enough. Last saw you when…" she paused, a flicker of uncertainty crossing her face. "Hell, who cares?"

"You ladies done catching up?" The krogan rattled the gate impatiently. "We got people waiting out here."

Jack shot Shepard a sly look. "Let's have some fun. It'll be just like old times, Shep." She went to the gate and eyed the waiting fighters. Shepard glanced over her shoulder at them appraisingly. A mismatched bunch of people, mostly human, a few turians, one krogan. They had armour, some held firearms but she could see no heavy weapons. Most of them looked like mercenaries, battle-hardened and wary. She could feel them silently assessing her in turn.

"Which ones do you want?" Rumbled the krogan.

Jack smiled.

"All of them."

Shepard and Jack stood at the opposite side of the arena. Jack bounced on her toes, shaking out her hands whilst Shepard watched their combatants file in with increasing dismay.

"You sure about this, Jack? This is eight against two and there's no cover here."  _And neither of us have a damn gun._

"No problem." She smirked and threw her a wink. "It's you and me, Shep. I got the four on the left, you got the rest. We are going to  _clean up_."

The gate slammed shut and the sudden roar from the crowd was deafening. Dimly she saw Jack circle to her left, biotics flaring.  _I hope Samara and Miranda are still keeping their end up otherwise the bridge is going to fry._ One of the turians started towards her, pistol raised. She threw up a barrier and charged him. A concussive shot slammed into her shoulder, turning her slightly but then she was on him, grabbing the end of his firearm, forcing it up and under his chin and firing. She smiled grimly.  _And now I have a gun._ She heard Jack whoop behind her.

"Nice moves!"

She heard the tell-tale  _whump_ off a biotic shockwave and suddenly two bodies flew across her field of vision, tumbling to lie still at the edges of the arena. She felt warmth spatter her face. Putting a glove up she wiped off a mixture of colours, spitting and grimacing slightly.  _Why do I never remember to keep my mouth shut when Jack's around?_

" _Hell,_ yeah! You're getting behind, Commander! Three down, five to go." Shepard laughed in spite of herself and rolled, avoiding a barrage of weapons fire, before coming up onto one knee and firing at the nearest shooter.

"One less to worry about" she said drily, earning herself another whoop from Jack. There was a sudden flare from her right and she felt herself lifted into the air. She had enough time to think  _oh crap_ beforethe air left her lungs suddenly as she was slammed into the dirt floor with a force that would have crushed one less cybernetically gifted. Even so she lay still, unable to move for a few seconds, watching as the ceiling lights wheeled around her field of vision. She pushed herself up and gritted her teeth against the grind of ribs down one side. Her gun arm was suddenly too painful to lift and muzzily she saw the remaining turian turn towards her and raise his pistol.

_Dying inside someone's head is not what I'd choose for a do-over_ she thought ruefully and closed her eyes.

A small, strong hand gripped her under one arm and yanked her upright sending sparks of pain through her body. She hissed an expletive and staggered, trying to keep her balance.

"Quitting on me already?" Opening her eyes she saw what was left of the turian crumpled in a too small heap in front of her. Jack shook her, grinning broadly. "Get with it, Shep. Still got the big guy left to do."

"Mind the goods. I'm feeling delicate." She flexed her arm slightly and groaned, several ribs broken. "Got any medi-gel on you?"

"Gel's for pussies."

Only the krogan remained.  _Hell, there is no "only" when it comes to krogans_ she thought. "Thanks for the rescue, Jack. Nice job on the rest of them."

"You owe me big."

The krogan was huge, angry and no match for a hopped up biotic and a moderately injured Spectre but he got a few good charges in, leaving them both sprawled in the dirt wheezing with relieved laughter, Jack's especially tinged with hysteria.

"C'mon, Shep.  _Tell_ me you haven't missed that."

"I haven't missed that." Shepard felt the back of her head gingerly and pulled herself to her feet, the pain in her ribs receding to a dull ache.

"Liar." Jack grinned broadly and then her smile faded as she focused on something over Shepard's shoulder. "What the fuck is this?"

Shepard turned and stared in confusion as six children, no older than 10 or 12 filed tentatively into the arena. "Uh, Jack…?" Jack's mouth twisted briefly, her eyes intense on the little group.

"Jack, these are  _children._  They're defenceless. You can't fight them."

Jack shot her a look. "Defenceless, huh?" She picked up Shepard's pistol and fired at the nearest one.

" _Wait –_ "

The child was suddenly surrounded by a shifting blue barrier. Jack laughed bitterly.

"They're biotics, Shepard. Same as the little fuckers I grew up with on that Cerberus base. You think  _they_ gave a shit about defenceless back then? No-one was defenceless." She tossed down the pistol and looked at the now silent crowd. " _Hey._ You think I won't hurt children? Fucking think again!"

She cracked her knuckles and eyed Shepard. "If you don't have the  _balls_  for this…"

"Wait." Said Shepard again, mind racing.  _Find the angle. Work the angle._ "Why don't we make this a little more interesting?"

"How?" asked Jack suspiciously.

Shepard turned towards the waiting children. "Which one of you is the strongest?"

There was a pause and then a thin, blond girl tentatively raised a hand. "Show me." Shepard pointed at one of the boys standing near her. "On him."

The girl concentrated, blue energy gathering around one fist and then lashed out to send the boy sprawling in the dirt with a cry. "What the fuck, Shep?" called Jack. "I'm doing this with or without you, quit playing around."

"I said  _wait_." She turned to the others. "You lot. If you can beat her  _I'll_ be on your team." She pointed a thumb back over her shoulder. "Against the angry tattooed lady with a helluva lot of biotic power over there." She gritted her teeth and shoved the girl hard onto the arena floor. "Look at her. She's nothing. You can take her."

The children milled uncertainly, Shepard risked a glance over her shoulder and saw Jack glaring at her with narrowed eyes.

"Come on." Said Shepard, raising her voice. "She's strong but she's nothing  _special._  Can't even stay on her feet." She forced a laugh and a few of the children joined in. "Take her out."

There was a flare of barriers as the children moved forward towards the girl who sprang to her feet, eyes wide. Shepard moved back towards Jack who was watching, a tinge of anger in her expression. "Remind you of your schooldays, Jack?"

"Yeah, so? Strongest wins. We'll see if she's a winner."

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. "Seems a little unfair, four against one. Should we help her out?"

"No."

Watching them, the girl clearly had the most ability but at first was outnumbered, knocked to the ground repeatedly by biotic blasts. Shepard forced herself to laugh again, loudly, and saw the muscles in Jack's jaw clench tightly.  _Now we're getting somewhere._ "Special my ass." She said flatly, folding her arms. Jack gave her a sidelong glance before returning her attention to the fight. A sudden blast opened a gash in the girl's forehead and she screamed defiantly unleashing a shockwave which threw all but one of her combatants to the sides of the arena. The remaining boy looked around her at his fallen comrades and began to retreat slowly, fear evident on his face.

"Finish him off!" yelled Jack, nodding in satisfaction as he was thrown against the gate by a final flare of energy. "That's my girl. No mercy."

Shepard strode towards the panting girl, clapping slowly. "That was quite a display out there. You're pretty good." A slow smile spread over the girl's face as she looked up at her. "Best I've seen in a while. Stick with me, we'll be quite a team. I'll take you out of here, I got a ship. We just got to get through this lady first."

Eyes shining, the girl nodded. Shepard nodded towards Jack. "Two of us against you,  _Jacqueline._  We'll take you out!" Jack shrugged at her, a brief expression of puzzlement crossing her features.

"Yeah!" shouted the girl. Shepard rounded on her immediately and back-handed her across the face, hard. "Did I tell you you could speak, kid? If I wanted you for your  _conversation_ I wouldn't have bothered watching you fight. I want you for your ability, nothing else." She turned away feeling nauseous. "Useless bitch. You see that Jack?" she continued, laughing in the direction of the tattooed woman. "Her  _face._ She thought I was actually interested in her as a person." She turned back to the girl and prodded her sharply with the toe of a boot. "You're a biotic. A strong one. You're fucked up though. As long as you can fight you're useful to me. Beyond that, you're  _nothing._ "

The girl gazed up at her, stricken. "Get up." Shepard hauled her to her feet. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Jack take a few unwilling steps forward. "Get  _up,_ freak." The girl struggled to her feet, biting her lip in an attempt not to cry.

"Maybe I don't want you anyway." Shepard said coldly. "Look at you.  _Crying._ You're  _weak._ " She glanced at Jack and saw her eyes moving back and forth between the two of them. She back-handed the girl again and dragged her to her feet. "Where are all your specialabilities now, huh? Fucking _useless_." She moved to stand beside Jack and drew her pistol, aiming it at the sobbing girl. "Shall we put her out of her misery?"

"Stop it." Said Jack softly.

"You going soft on me?" Shepard strode back to the girl and whipped the butt of the pistol across her face. "She was so eager to come with me. Weren't you, sweetheart?" She pulled her up by a handful of hair. "So sweet and trusting and so  _pathetic._ Maybe we can find someone else to take you on,  _use_ you how they see fit. What do you think, Jack. We can get a decent price for – "

" _Get the fuck off her!"_ Jack moved so quickly she was almost a blur. Her boot knife flashed into her hand and Shepard felt the weight of the girl disappear as she was cut free from her grasp. Jack backed up, shoving the girl behind her. "Eat this,  _bitch._ " Shepard got her hands up in time but as the shockwave hit her at close range and at full blast.  _Make a crazy biotic really mad. Great idea Shepard. Ah hell, this is_ _ **really**_ _gonna hurt._ She gritted her teeth against a scream as she felt armour melt and bones shatter before static and blackness filled her head.

Flashes of movement, lights, voices. And  _pain._ She attempted to open her eyes to find them too swollen to see much beyond a white ceiling. The skin on her face was raw and stinging and it was hard to breathe. She gasped in pain as a stray tear burned its way down her cheek and groaned at the stab of pain the sudden breath caused.

"She's awake," muttered a voice from her peripheral vision.

"Rest, Commander. Your injuries are considerable."  _Chakwas._

"Hey, Shep." A blurry face moved over her field of vision. "You pulled my ass out - the cheerleader got me up to speed." There was a pause and the voice grew softer. "Shit, look at you." The face moved away. "I'll be here when you wake up."

Shepard closed her eyes and drifted.

She woke again an indeterminate amount of time later and took an experimental breath which was sore rather than agonising. She opened her eyes a crack and then fully, blinking at the med bay lights. Turning her head she saw Jack slouched in a chair, elbows on her knees. "Wakey, wakey, Shep" she grinned. "Sleeping fucking Beauty."

"Beauty my ass. How long have I been out?"

"Day, give or take."

"Where are the others?"

"Quarters, bridge, mess, hell if I know." She stretched and stood. "You're fine. I'm gone."

"Jack…" called Shepard after her.

"Yeah?"

"I had to do that to get you out of there."

Jack's eyes were shadowed. "I know. Must've been hard. It's not who you are. But you get it done. You got my back, Shep. Won't forget it."

Shepard made her way slowly up to her quarters after a brief but intense altercation with Dr Chakwas over her leaving the med bay so soon. Even a newly conscious Joker had tried to struggle up and put a hand out to restrain her. In the end she had simply pulled rank and left, citing time constraints and mission parameters, words she was only half listening to anyway.

_You get it done. Yeah, I get it done. Any means necessary._

She rubbed her face, the thin girl's eyes dancing before her. She hadn't been real but the memory stayed with her. A reminder of what she was capable of to get the job done.  _What_ _ **aren't**_ _you capable of?_

There was a soft knock at the door. "Enter."

Miranda stepped in, datapad in hand. Shepard nodded and retrieved a uniform from the storage cabinet. "What's up, Miranda?" She started pulling at her med bay gown and winced as her arms refused to go any higher than chest height.

"Need a little help, Commander?"

Shepard eyed her and then nodded sharply. Miranda pulled the gown gently over her head and paused, brows lowered in concern. Vivid blue black splotches criss-crossed Shepard's chest and arms, areas of skin were healing but still red raw in places. "You should have stayed in the med bay, Commander. This is…not good."

Shepard carefully slid into her uniform. "Noted. Ow. What did you want?" She watched Miranda's eyes flick from her ravaged chest up to her face.

"EDI's noticed some fluctuations within the VI's data patterns. She's still trying to work through all the data but it seems the fluctuations have been getting worse with each crew member you've managed to pull out."

"And?"

"We're not sure yet. Might be starting to power down a bit, might be something else, a defensive mechanism of some sort. Thought I'd give you the heads up."

"Appreciated. Walk with me."

"Wait. You're not going back in so soon are you?"

"You say that like I have a choice. And before you say anything else, I really don't."

Shepard strode onto the bridge, Miranda in tow. Her crew lay silent on the floor and she knelt briefly, checking Garrus' dressings. He seemed to be healing up quickly. She turned her head at a faint cough and realised it had come from Thane. His skin was cool, his pulse steady as she put a hand on him until his breathing evened out once more.

"Welcome back, Commander."

"Thanks, EDI. Who's next?" She suppressed a shiver as Jack's voice echoed distantly in her head.  _I'll take you all on._

"All of them appear equally stable, Shepard." Shepard glanced over at Miranda. "Keep an eye on that data, Miranda. Help EDI however you can."

"Will do, Commander."

Shepard lay herself down on the deck with a groan and reached for the cable. "Why do I always forget to bring a bedroll? Roll some virtual dice, EDI. Pick someone for me. Maybe going in blind will give me an edge."

"Be careful, Shepard." Said Miranda.

"See you on the other side."

She opened her eyes and found herself sitting on what looked like a hospital gurney in a dim corridor. There were ivs in her arm and she was back in that damn gown again. There was a strong smell of antiseptic and a fainter one of decay, a nauseating smell of mould. She sniffed experimentally and immediately started to cough, caustic air burning her lungs. A faint metallic clatter came from further down the corridor and she peered in the direction of the noise. No movement, nothing. Wiping her eyes she took a breath and then ripped the lines out, staunching the sudden flow of blood with the edge of the gown.

_I hate hospitals._

The floor was cold and the air seemed thin, she was out of breath after a few steps. She heard the noise again and paused. There was movement behind a vent grill to her right and she turned quickly. She caught a flash of bright, black eyes regarding her silently before they were gone, faint noises now overhead gradually fading.

_Thane._

Shepard stood for a moment, eyeing the vents and then began to follow them.

TBC

 


	8. Thane

Shepard kept a wary eye on the ventilation grills as she trudged down the long, water stained corridor. Condensation swirled in the shafts of dim light coming from the windows set high into the walls and ran down to puddle on the floor and the sounds of constant dripping echoed around her. She stopped for moment to catch her breath, hands on her knees.  _My imaginary breath_ she amended.  _Still, feels real enough._ The initial raw burn of breathing the caustic, heavy air had slowly receded to a dull ache but she knew she'd be severely hampered if any untoward situations involving running and/or fighting were to suddenly emerge at her from the drell's consciousness.  _And given my recent experiences, unfortunately the chances of that happening are pretty high._  She looked up at the shaft again. After the initial few muted noises there had been no further sounds of movement but whenever she had stopped she had got a sense of stillness, an odd feeling of expectation.  _He's there, keeping just ahead of me. He's waiting for something._

And that was her relationship with Thane in a nutshell. Their conversations had gone from the polite to the friendly to the unexpectedly personal over a surprisingly short period of time and she had genuinely enjoyed his company, relishing his sharp observations and old fashioned politeness. But frequently and increasing so recently, he would fall silent and simply regard her with those large eyes of his until eventually she was forced to leave, talked out and unsettled by whatever it was he was waiting for her to say. There had been an attraction there certainly, still was when she chose to acknowledge it – he was articulate and darkly exotic, add in his unnerving grace and keen intelligence and he made a pretty package.  _Except for the part where he's dying_  she thought sourly.  _Deal-breaker, right there._ Nevertheless he had said he cared for her, his Siha, would wait for her,  _was_ waiting for her.  _We are all dying, Shepard. In one way or another._ She made a noise of frustration and then coughed wetly.  _A fling with a dying man would not be high romance. It would be messy and painful and-_

There was a soft thump from the ventilation shaft and she realised she had stopped without realising it. She began moving again, defiantly stamping through a shallow puddle of water.

"Self destructive" she muttered.

* * *

Her hospital gown was soaked through and she was coughing almost constantly, gasping in great lungfuls of the burning air between prolonged bouts. The corridor stretched endlessly in front of her, stained and anonymous.  _I've been walking for hours._  She staggered to the wall and slumped there, panting. There was a soft noise from the ventilation shaft.

" _Goddamn_  you, come out!" She smacked the wall hard with her palm. "Where  _are_ you Thane?"

Silence. She slapped the wall again futilely before groaning and pushing away from it, willing herself onwards, one foot in front of the other.

* * *

_How long is he going to keep this up?_ Still more time had passed, the corridor remained unchangingly endless and her feet were aching furiously. Shepard drew in a painful breath and coughed violently until she retched, falling onto her hands and knees.  _Shit._ She tried to push herself upright but slipped, collapsing in a heap in the middle of the corridor. She made an obscene hand gesture in the direction of the ventilation shaft when the sounds of movement came, as if she needed reminding that he was still up there, moving her on impatiently. She crawled towards the wall and propped her back against it.

_I'm exhausted. Can't take much more of this._ She gritted her teeth.  _No. Come on, soldier. Get up._ She made a feeble attempt to lever herself upright but her legs buckled and she slipped back down again with a grunt.

_Get the hell_ _ **up.**_  This time her legs refused to move at all. Her chest was agony.

"Thane," she gasped. She coughed and wiped her mouth, saw dark blood. "Come out. I need to speak to you. " She closed her eyes. "Please. I'll tell you anything you want to know."

A whisper of cool air touched her cheek and she opened her eyes to see a bright circle of light on the wall further down the corridor. A sudden breeze eased the ache in her lungs, carrying with it the smell of salt water and incense. With an almighty effort she threw herself onto her hands and knees and began crawling towards the source of the light. She became aware of a humming noise, so faint as to be just on the edges of her hearing. As she drew nearer to the light it became louder, more discordant, varying in its intensity, making her skin prickle and her head buzz. She felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise in response and she shook her head to try and clear it, realising suddenly she was staring through a small porthole set into the corridor wall through which bright sunlight was streaming.

Through the window she could see a beach with a small jetty. The water swirled a clear turquoise around a knot of people lowering something into the water. Standing slightly apart from them she saw the familiar black clad figure of Thane, head lowered, eyes fixed on the water. A child shouted and was led away, people dispersing slowly until only Thane remained, unmoving, staring at the water.

" _Thane._ " She saw his head turn slightly and put a hand to the glass. "It's Shepard, I'm- " She was suddenly falling forwards, disorientated by the strange noise and the sudden absence of wall in front of her. She felt a hand close around her upper arm, steadying her.

"Siha. It is good to see you. Are you well?"

She took a grateful breath in and nodded. "Been worse. Where are we?"

He looked away from her, out at the horizon. "We are on the Hanar homeworld. I have just returned my wife's body to the sea." His hand was warm on her arm.

"I'm sorry." The humming rose again and she squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose.

"Something is the matter?" His gaze had returned to her, full of concern, his other hand settling on her opposite shoulder.

"That  _noise._ What is it?"

"Ah. The Hanar are singing. It is quite beautiful but may be…uncomfortable for someone of your species. Come." He steered her away from the water, starting back along the beach. "It is not safe here."

"What do you mean?"

"I will explain after I have taken you somewhere safe, Siha. You must trust me."

"I…do trust you, Thane, but what's the situation? I can handle myself."

"I am well aware of that." His lips quirked slightly as he raised a brow ridge at her hospital gown. She scowled at him.

"If there's danger here I'm sure as hell not running from it."

"We are not running, simply improving our options."

She considered him. "What aren't you telling me?"

He stopped and glanced at her sidelong. "I merely wish to keep you from harm, Siha," he said softly. "I could not protect my family…my wife. She died as a result of my inattention and I would not have the same was to happen to you. Please. Let me lead you to safety and then we will talk."

Shepard sighed with resignation, nodded and then gestured for him to lead on peremptorily. Inclining his head slightly he offered his arm and she took it with a wry smile. "We going to have to go back into that hospital?"

"Yes."

"Great. We end up in the nicest places." She paused.  _Nothing ventured…_  "What if I told you that none of this is real? That all of it is in your head?"

"I would say the situation remains normal, drell memories being what they are."

"So how come  _I'm_  here?" Thane blinked and regarded her thoughtfully.

"You are just…here. Perhaps you are a product of my imagination, a dream, a hallucination. It raises interesting philosophical and ethical questions. If you truly are a product of my imagination I can do anything with you I would wish to."

She snorted and raised an eyebrow. "Sounds interesting."

He chuckled softly. "Indeed." His eyes met hers and his expression grew serious. "I do not know how or why you are here but I am glad, Siha. I have missed you."

"I…"

He waited for a moment and when nothing else was forthcoming inclined his head. "There will be time enough to talk. Follow me."

Shepard realised they were standing next to the section of corridor with the round window inset. Thane pressed on the wall, sliding through the doorway which opened in response and she followed him taking shallower breaths instinctively. Instead of the endless corridor, however, the passage ended abruptly with a metal door set into the wall in front of them. Thane pushed at it, gesturing her through into

" _A long room, high ceilings. Motes of dust are illuminated by the light coming through the windows, the smell of antiseptic is heavy in the air. I am the only occupant of the ward. The needle hurts, the examinations are brisk, impersonal. I wait. The sheets are stiff, I ache with cold and the unaccustomed immobility."_

"Thane?"

She watched his eyes refocus slowly. "This is the hospital ward on which I was diagnosed. I spent several days here waiting for the Hanar doctors."

"You were here alone?"

"Yes."

"That must have been difficult for you. Receiving that news alone."

"My body had been in battle-sleep for many years. I remember feeling…very little."

Shepard touched his arm gently. "Why are we here?"

"It is a safe place for us."

Shepard sighed inwardly.  _Inscrutable as always. Pressing him will make him clam up again. Better be ready for the big reveal._ Shepard glanced around the room. A large room, rectangular, high windows, one entrance. Certainly easy enough to defend if required and Thane appeared to have retained his usual weapons. Perhaps she could flap her gown threateningly at any potential assailants. She smiled grimly.  _If I were facing away from them it would certainly be a distracting tactic._ She gradually became aware of a soft beeping noise from the far corner of the room and saw that one bed had its surrounding curtains pulled shut. She started towards it and stopped abruptly feeling Thane's hand on her arm restraining her gently.

"What's behind there?"

"Before I show you I must ask something of you, Siha."

She eyed him warily. "Ask away."

"My…condition. Is that what truly stands between us?"

She shook her head impatiently. "I don't understand."

He moved slightly and she became aware he was standing very close to her. She could feel the heat radiating from his body and suddenly felt very exposed in the thin hospital gown.

"You know of my feelings for you yet you have never revealed your own, preferring to cite my illness as reason enough for us not to pursue a relationship." His gaze swept the room slowly before settling on her face again. "But here, wherever this is, I breathe easily. The ache in my chest is gone. Here I am no longer a dying man." He looked at her steadily. "Were we to remain in this place I could keep you safe. And we would be together, if that is what you wish."

"We can't stay here." He caught one of her hands, placing it gently on his jaw and she flushed even as she found her fingertips tracing his jawline without her volition. "Thane, this place isn't real. We'll die. You said we'd talk about - "

"Tell me you care for me, Siha."

She flinched and he tilted his head slightly, watching her expression. "You said you would tell me anything I wanted to know. I would hear the truth. No more evading, no more leaving. Do you care for me?"

_Ah hell._ "I…do. Of course I care about you, Thane. But – "

"Then stay with me. In this place." He pulled her gently closer to him and she stiffened even as the familiar scent of leather and incense drifted around her.

"I can't. I have people relying on me – Garrus, Mordin." She had a sudden flash of Garrus' chest, the burns newly raw and removed her hand abruptly. "I have a mission," she continued determinedly. "The others are in danger."

He tensed, his grip tightening on her upper arms. " _Ow_. Don't you  _dare_ – "

"They come." He cocked his head, listening.

She stilled. "Who?"

He pushed her away firmly and turned towards the door. "Find cover. Now."

She heard the metallic clatter of boots in the corridor and backed up behind one of the beds. She watched him swiftly remove and ready his sniper rifle.

"Do I get one?" He tossed her his pistol and gracefully dropped into a kneeling position, rifle balanced on one shoulder.

She gave it a cursory check and sighted quickly. "What are we expecting?"  _Anything but the Harbinger. I refuse to fight the Harbinger in a hospital gown._

"Mercenaries," his voice was low and soft. "They seek to harm me through you."

Shepard frowned. "Do you still have enemies, Thane? After everything we've achieved? Think about it. Who's going to come up against you knowing myreputation? You're part of my crew. And trying to get to you through me? Practically suicide _._ "

"Nevertheless." He held up a hand to silence her without taking his eyes off the door. She bit her lip in frustration and stood up suddenly, striding towards him across the ward.

"You have a perfect memory, Thane. How did we get here? Who are these people? It doesn't make  _sense._ " She saw a slight narrowing of his eyes, a brief uncertainty and then his hands tightened on the rifle again. " _Look at me."_

"Get back, Siha. Please."

_Stubborn ass!_ She felt sharp spikes of anger uncoil in her lower belly and she fought against the urge to shove him to the ground. "Goddammit, Thane! I am not some fainting female who needs to be protected! I'm a  _soldier._ "

"I must keep you safe."

"Safe? There is no safe for me," she spat. "Don't wrap me in cotton wool, don't  _cherish_ me. My life is guns and battlegrounds and  _death_ and nothing you can offer me will change that. You can't keep me safe, Thane. The best thing – the  _only_ thing you can do for me is to stay on my six – " she stopped abruptly as he snapped his head around, a strange, tight expression on his face.

The wall exploded inwards throwing both of them back across the room. Shepard felt herself bounce across one of the beds before she hit the wall hard, sprawling awkwardly on the floor, pistol spinning out of her hand. For a moment there was silence and then the heavy crunch of boots on rubble. She shifted minutely, angling her head to try and get a decent view from under the nearby bed and stilled as the slow, deliberate footsteps paused and then started in her direction. A blur of movement across the ward and the footsteps paused again.

"Come out," whispered a voice, low and distorted. Shepard heard a heat cell being quietly snapped into place. "I'll not harm her if you come out with your weapons up."

She looked around her quickly and saw the pistol half hidden under a small cabinet a few yards away.  _If I can just slide under the bed I can reach it._ She eased herself down listening carefully for the sounds of movement and peered under the bed. She could just make out a pair of boots in the centre of what was left of the ward, a long shadow stretched across the floor, darkening as the light from the windows flickered. Shepard turned her head slightly, trying in vain to catch a glimpse of Thane's position.  _He's hard enough to see when I know exactly where he is, Iet alone when he's hiding in earnest._ She turned her attention back to the pistol, lowering herself by degrees. The boots did not move. Reaching out a hand, she inched it carefully forwards, fingers reaching for the barrel.  _Just a little more…_

She should have expected it but the sudden flurry of movement still caught her by surprise – one moment the armoured feet were metres away, the next they had vanished only to reappear directly in front of her with a heavy thump. She supposed if she'd seen the leap she would have been impressed, as it was she snatched her hand back and rolled away as the bed was lifted and thrown with surprising force. She sat up and tensed, realising she was out in the open, a sitting duck. The heavily armoured figure approached her slowly and she spared a quick glance around the room before eyeing him defiantly.  _Turian. Tall one. What a surprise - big gun._

"You think I'm impressed, Big Boy?" She got to her feet slowly and circled him. "Let's see what you got, 'course you have your fancy armour and a gun…"

The figure laughed, voice metallic and distorted by the helmet. "That's my girl. Always there with the smart remark."

She paused. "Do I know you?"

He laughed again and slowly removed the helmet, tossing it casually to the floor.

" _Garrus?_ "

"Happy to see me?"

She considered him. He seemed taller than she remembered, his expression both cocky and relaxed but…something was off. His eyes glinted with an uncharacteristic coldness, his mandibles parted to reveal unexpectedly longer, sharper teeth. He looked feral, intimidating. He moved towards her suddenly, placing a possessive arm around her shoulders.

"Let's get out of here, Shepard." He glanced around the room and raised his voice slightly. "I know you're here somewhere, Krios. Ever the observer. You can watch us leave, if you like." He placed a hand in the small of her back and pushed her gently towards the door. Shepard saw a patch of shadow solidify as Thane emerged, his face twisted in anger. Biotics flashed and Garrus was lifted and slammed into the far wall with a grunt, dropping heavily to the ground. He levered himself up painfully as the assassin padded forward raising his rifle.

"Thane, wait – "

"You will not take her from me."

Garrus laughed. "She was never yours to take, Krios. We've known each other a long time, we have a history. We're equals. Partners. What can you offer her that I can't?" Garrus brushed dust off his dented armour and smirked. "Apart from a long, drawn out death – "

Garrus' throat exploded as the single shot echoed around the room and he slumped sideways onto the floor, an expression of mild surprise on his face.

" _No._ " Shepard darted forward, throwing herself onto her knees, frantically feeling for a pulse. Blood ran over her hands and soaked into her hospital gown as she turned his head gently. He did not move. She stayed where she was, struggling to breath past the ache in her throat.  _Not real not real not real it's not REAL oh god, Garrus._ Flashes of missions together, repairing the MAKO, Garrus smiling at her, conversations in the Main Battery - memories of him which chased the breath from her body and left her sobbing weakly. She put her head in her hands and bit down hard on the inside of her cheek, tasting blood.

For a moment longer she stared dully at his body and then stood, turning to face Thane.

He nodded once. "As to what stands in the way of our relationship, I believe you have provided me with an adequate answer." He held out a hand. "Come."

She took it numbly and allowed herself to be led towards the curtained cubicle, pushing through the thick cloth and staring down at the figure. Thane lay in the bed, sheets pulled up over his chest and arms resting limply. His eyes were open, unfocused, staring at nothing. The ventilator hissed rhythmically, the heart monitor bleeped, tracing patterns over and over.

Shepard looked at him in confusion and then back at the figure in the bed.

Thane smiled slightly. "When we first met I was a dead man. I welcomed my fate," he shrugged slightly. "I would even say I had embraced it. But then I…came to care for you. You woke me up, Siha. Gave me something I never thought I would experience again. You have kept me alive these long months." His gaze fell on the bed, his smile fading. "But it is not to be. You have the eyes of another and it is time I stepped aside. I will miss you and I will be here to talk, as always, as your friend for as long as I am able." He touched her lips with one warm, dry finger and then bowed moving around her towards the machine. "But I will no longer wait for you."

He bowed again, inclining his head gracefully as she nodded and gently clasped the hand of the prone figure on the bed.

"Thank you, my Siha."

He flicked a switch and as they waited for the soft mechanical noises to stop entirely Shepard closed her eyes and listened to the song of the Hanar.

* * *

She sat up gingerly, aware of wetness on her face. Thane stood to one side, hands clasped behind his back, watching her, his expression neutral.

"I'm sorry," she managed. His expression softened and he nodded once before leaving the bridge quietly.

"Commander?"

She scrubbed at her face with both hands. "Not now, Miranda."

"It's important. We've collected more data from the probe."

Shepard's gaze wandered to the prone form of Garrus.  _I'm such an idiot._ "And..?" She said absently.

"I think we need to talk. All of us."

Shepard tore her eyes away unwillingly. "Doesn't sound good. Alright. EDI?"

"Yes, Commander."

"Summon essential personnel to the Briefing Room in one hour."

"Of course, Commander."

"I'll see you there."

She got into the lift quickly on seeing Miranda's mouth open and almost punched in the button for Crew's Quarters before slamming her hand against the control for her own.  _Just let him be for a while. Going to talk to him now would only be to make yourself feel less shitty and you don't deserve that._

She shucked her clothes as soon as the doors to her quarters had shut and strode into the shower, turning the water up as hot as it would go, trying to scald away the memory of Garrus, his expression of mild surprise and chagrin, his blood coating her hands. She scrubbed herself furiously, watching the welts bloom on her skin with grim satisfaction.  _You don't have_ _ **time**_ _for this. Focus. Finish the mission. Then decide what comes after._

She dressed slowly, mindful of the rawness of her body and smoothed her hair down, face set.

"The crew are assembled, Commander."

"Thank you, EDI."

Outside the Briefing Room she paused, rubbing her face tiredly before taking a deep breath and straightening her shoulders.  _Make the calls_.  _Be the Commander. You don't have time to be anything else._

The doors slid open and she strode in without hesitation.

TBC

 


	9. Interlude 2 - Flux

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter in between nightmares.

Shepard braced herself on the briefing room console and stared at her hands. The soft murmur of welcome at her entrance had died down quickly and she knew that everyone was waiting to hear her speak but she had faltered, briefly robbed of speech. The room looked so  _empty._ She risked a quick glance around at the expectant faces and fancied she could almost fill in the blanks before giving herself a mental shake. She pushed herself up briskly and folded her arms.

"So. Miranda. What's the latest?"

Miranda picked up her data pad but her attention was immediately diverted by the door whisking open. A wheelchair bearing the familiar figure of Joker appeared, pushed by a mildly disapproving Dr. Chakwas. He wore loose civvies under which heavy bandaging could be seen, he had casts on both his hands and his face still looked painfully swollen but he was grinning from ear to ear and Shepard found herself smiling back.

"Yo, Commander," Joker saluted smartly. "Reporting for duty, Ma'am."

"At ease, Pilot."

"I kinda don't have any choice in the matter. Still, this is better than staring at the Med Bay ceiling. It's coooooold in there, my assets were getting frozen."

"Such as they are," she said, smirking in response to the mock outrage on his face. "Glad to have you back, Joker. How're you feeling?"

"Okay," he replied slowly. "Glad to be the only one in my brain again." He sobered suddenly and ducked his head. "Uhh…Commander?" His easy smile was replaced by an oddly hunted expression and he avoided her eyes.

"Yes?"

"So…I mean I remember a  _lot_  of it and it all seemed to make sense at the time…"

"Go on."

Joker fiddled with the tail of his shirt and glanced up at her. "I was wondering…how much do you remember, Commander?"

Shepard considered him. The room had grown uncomfortably silent. Miranda stared at her data pad, Thane and Samara gazed at her steadily whilst Jack played with her boot knife, a half smile on her face.

_No point in lying._ "Everything," she said shortly. Joker looked away and she winced inwardly. "And all of it will remain classified. If anyone wants to talk about it privately you're welcome to come to me when I'm available. I don't hold anyone accountable for what their VI-controlled psyches tried to throw at me whilst I was running around inside their heads." She glanced at Samara and raised an eyebrow. "Everyone was under the probe's influence to some degree."

_Except me_ she thought wearily  _and I hold myself accountable for my actions._ "Look, whatever I saw whilst I was in there…"

"You got it done, Shep," murmured Jack, not looking up from her knife. "S'all that matters. Don't sweat it."

"Agreed. We are all grateful for your intervention," said Thane with a small smile that did not quite reach his eyes.

Shepard hesitated and then nodded sharply. "Understood. Let's get back to it then. What about this data, Miranda?"

Miranda blinked and looked up from her data pad, visibly refocusing her attention. "We've been recording data, Commander, but it's by no means complete or possibly even accurate. We think we're inadvertently launching additional defensive programming strata. We'd need a tech specialist running real time diagnostics on it to confirm."

Shepard folded her arms impatiently. "Translation please."

"As I said the data is incomplete," said Miranda furrowing her brow in concentration. "EDI has been monitoring power fluctuations in the probe, any other information is firewalled off from her  _except_ when someone is…removed…as a power source."

"Meaning?"

"Meaning for a fraction of a microsecond after pulling someone out we get a glimpse inside the VI before it walls itself off again. We can't confirm but it seems to be powering down systems and diverting the power elsewhere."

"Where?"

"We're not sure, Commander. We need to try and lengthen the amount of time that window stays open. Possibly towards its defensive systems. We've already seen it can affect its power sources adversely if threatened."

"His name is  _Garrus,_ Operative Lawson, not 'power source'."

Miranda flushed slightly. "In addition, its radiation signal has gotten a lot stronger."

"Are we in danger?"

"Not yet, but extrapolating the data I predict we may reach critical levels before we can get everyone out in time."

"I need precision, Miranda. How many more can I disconnect before we're risking radiation poisoning?"

Miranda shrugged helplessly. "I'm sorry, Shepard. I just don't have the information."

Shepard nodded irritably. "So we need to rig some sort of field around the probe to deal with the radiation. Shouldn't be too hard. We'll manage with biotics in the meantime. The four of you can work out a schedule."

"It's not just the radiation, Commander."

"Of course it isn't," sighed Shepard. "Go on."

"EDI? Take it from here?" Miranda rubbed her forehead nervously.

"Thank you, Operative Lawson. Analysing the probe has been problematic. It appears highly adaptive to perceived threat and opportunities for study have been scarce, however I believe that the VI is gradually increasing its defensive capabilities at the expense of the more complicated systems it was initially built to employ."

"So it's getting more stupid as well as more dangerous."

"Unconfirmed."

"Could this harm the crew still connected to it?"

"Unconfirmed."

The room was silent as Shepard digested this, head down, hands braced on the console in front of her.

"We need a tech specialist," ventured Miranda.

Shepard kept her eyes on the console. "Your recommendation?"

"Professor Solus," she replied after a moment's thought. "Any of the techs could come up with a solution for the radiation problem but he's best suited for both the diagnostics and being able to predict the effects of any further tampering on the pow- " she caught herself on seeing Shepard's jaw clench. "- on the remaining crew members."

Shepard appeared on the verge of speaking but firmed her lips into a grim line instead. "Mordin it is then," she said finally. She paused for a moment longer and then slammed her hands down viciously on the table. After she had left the room Samara exchanged a long look with Thane before slipping away after her. Eventually the others followed, Dr. Chakwas pushing an unusually quiet Joker into the elevator, leaving the assassin alone. Glancing back as she left, Jack saw him slowly move to EDI's interface before the doors whispered shut.

* * *

Shepard made her way back to the bridge, her face set.

"Seal the door, EDI."

"Yes, Commander."

She braced herself overlooking the galaxy map, knuckles white around the rail.  _I could just go in and get him the hell out of there_ she told herself fiercely.  _The next one I pull out could end up killing the rest. I can't…risk that. Risk him._  She moved around to stand over Garrus' prone form and then crouched beside him closing her eyes.  _And if I don't get a tech specialist I could end up killing all of us. The mission should come first._

The mission comes first. The mantra she repeated over and over to justify the decisions and sacrifices that came with the job. And the more she made the less human she felt, hell, if she even counted as being human any more.  _I wonder how much of me, the original me, is still inside this cybernetic meat sack?_ She studied her hands, turning them over slowly and thought back to the optimistic, idealistic version of Jane Shepard as she had first stepped onto the Normandy as XO, feeling herself fray just that little bit more. That Shepard had been a space-born Alliance soldier through and through, a team player, defender of the galaxy. The team player who had watched her squad die on Akuze, sacrificed a comrade on Virmire, had let the Council burn and now was contemplating losing someone she –

_For the greater good, Shepard_ said Garrus, voice ringing in her head like a clarion bell.

_Fuck the greater good._

_You don't mean that._

_You're the last thing_ she thought desperately,  _the last thing that's holding me down here. I lose you and I'm gone._

The voice in her head was silent.

"Commander."

She stirred. "What is it, EDI?"

"Subject Zero is requesting entry to the bridge."

She ran a gentle hand down the side of Garrus' face and stood, straightening her uniform.

"Open the doors."

Jack entered warily, hands shoved in her pockets.

"Shep."

Shepard turned away and poked a few buttons randomly. The consoles remained dark. "What is it, Jack?"

"Volunteered to be first watch on the shield." Shepard jerked her chin in the direction of the probe but Jack stayed where she was, leaning over the map rail and eyeing Shepard curiously. "You don't have to be such a hard ass all the time, you know."

She said nothing, picking up and busying herself with the business end of her bloodstained cable before settling herself on the floor. There was a blue flash and the cable yanked itself out of her hand, skittering across the deck to rest in front of the biotic.

" _Hey –_ "

"I'm not saying this shit for my own good, Shep and I'm sure as hell not liking it but you give out all the time to your damn crew about coming to talk to you about shit but I don't see  _you_ talking to  _them_."

"I don't  _need_ to talk, Jack."

"The hell you don't. My brainspace was pretty fucked up and by the way the others are acting around you I'm pretty sure theirs were no better. And all this after the relay…" She moved towards her slowly, picking up the cable on the way and turning it over in her hand. "You're looking stretched, Shep."

"You offering a shoulder to cry on?"

Jack laughed suddenly, full and throaty. "I'm just saying maybe you'd better find one before you get too out of shape."

Shepard found her eyes drifting towards Garrus involuntarily. "Noted."

Jack followed her gaze. "He'll be ok, Shep."

"He'd better be," she replied shortly, looking away. "And thanks."

"No sweat."

"EDI, let's go get the Professor." Jack tossed her the cable.

"Safe travels,  _Commander._ "

Shepard smirked in spite of herself. "Never thought I'd hear that from  _your_ mouth, Jack."

"Well, remember and rejoice," she said, stretching luxuriously. "I'll be here when you wake up, Sleeping Beauty. Holding the damn line. You tell that sonofabitch Mordin I said that."

Shepard gave her an amused look, shot one last glance at Garrus and plugged herself in. After her eyes had closed, Jack wandered over and rearranged her slightly, placing her hands on her stomach, shoving her jacket under her head.

_Maybe I am getting soft._  She settled herself down comfortably, propping her back against a nearby console and concentrated, surrounding the probe with a shifting blue field.

_Hold the line_ she thought, taking out her boot knife.  _Fucking least I can do._

**TBC**

 


	10. Chapter 10

"Omni-tool set to record. Commencing antidote genesis experiment twenty eight no no no twenty _nine_  – " _perhaps effects now extending to memory and concentration although in retrospect could also be countermeasures…"_ Must remember to document clearly although if memory affected cannot guarantee ability to remember and if concentration affected may skip going over notes. Previous comment redundant. Will concentrate as far as am able on generating antidote before major organ failure."

Mordin's omni-tool beeped twice at him and he glanced at it briefly, pursing his lips at the reading.

"One hundred fifty," he muttered. "Record: compound's effects becoming gradually less effective, upper limit reached three point five seconds sooner than previously." He shook his head.  _Work faster._

His fingers moved smoothly amongst the assorted test tubes, compounds and complicated glassware on the bench in front of him, mixing, calibrating, measuring and testing. He drew out a slide, swirling the contents of a tube briskly before settling it into a holder. His omni-tool beeped again, once, and he blinked several times to try and clear suddenly blurred vision. A cold sweat filmed itself over his body making him shiver and he tsked in irritation at the distraction. Quickly picking up a scalpel he swept it across a palm and let a few drops of blood fall onto the slide, sweeping his omni-tool over it. Grasping the tube with shaking hands he concentrated, tipping the contents over the blood smear, flinching as the omni-tool began beeping at him repeatedly and intrusively.  _One hundred. Hopefully this time –_ He swept the instrument quickly over the slide again and scanned through the results breathlessly.  _No good, no good, no change in parameters._

Head dipping briefly in frustration, he picked up a nearby syringe.  _Next time. Get it next time._ He pressed the syringe against his chest, back arching briefly as the stimulant was released and sighed in relief when the omni-tool's alarm finally shut itself off. Everything snapped back into focus, the overhead lights almost painfully bright as he swept the previous experiment aside. His heart thudded painfully in his chest and he ground over-sensitive teeth together, jogging briskly on the spot to quell a sudden restlessness.  _Extrapolating from previous count, six minutes and fifteen point five seconds until threshold reached._

"Record: Commencing antidote genesis experiment number thirty."

* * *

Shepard found herself leaning against the console in an empty briefing room. She blinked at the unexpected transition and her hands slipped from beneath her, sending her crashing inelegantly face forwards onto a panel of rapidly blinking lights.  _Not the best start._ She rubbed her chin and surveyed the room quickly. Empty, luckily. Any marauders would have had ample chance to put several rounds in her whilst she was busy kissing plastic, although, she reflected, it was a nice change to be wearing full armour and to have several weapons into the bargain. Of course if you were paranoid about these things 'nice change' could also be interpreted as 'you're going to need them'. She pulled herself upright.

"EDI? The whereabouts of Professor Solus, please."

No reply.

_Okay, doing this the old fashioned way then._

She checked the lab first, naturally. No luck. Syringes and smashed glassware covered his usually ordered bench, tinny music piped from an ancient looking gizmo propped up against a lamp, the beat fast paced and bass heavy.  _You touched my what…? Is that some weird translator glitch?_ She picked up one of the syringes and scanned it quickly. Complex looking chemical symbols danced across the readout and she noticed with confusion they seemed to pulse and revolve in time to the music. Throwing the syringe down in exasperation she marched off in search of the missing salarian.

One cockpit, the bridge and several restrooms later she was still none the wiser as to where he was. The ship appeared to be completely empty, there were no sounds of movement at all although if she listened carefully the insistent thudding of dance music could still be heard from the floor above. She was striding towards the Main Battery, more out of force of habit than anything else when faint sounds of movement from the Med Bay caught her attention. Drawing her pistol carefully she crept to the doors, trying to peer through the frosted glass and nearly shooting a hole in the bulkhead when Mordin appeared, popping his head through a sudden gap in the doors and gesturing at her impatiently.

"Ah, Shepard. Need your assistance in most inconvenient matter. Please follow me…" He disappeared back inside.

_Inconvenient matter_ she thought irritably.  _I've a few thoughts of my own on 'inconvenient matters', Professor._

Midway through holstering her gun she nearly shot a hole in her damn foot when his head reappeared again from around the doors.

"… _quickly._ "

He was fiddling around with multiple wires as she strode in and turned towards her, nodding at a large machine pulled slightly away from the wall. She paused, eyeing him suspiciously and not because his previous efforts involving multiple wires and machinery had ended so disastrously, although she could hardly blame him or indeed Legion for underestimating the VI's technology. He looked…odd. His tunic was partially open, several of the wires ran underneath the hanging flap of material. His face had a strange sheen to it, eyes glassy and wide.

"Professor, are you –? "

"Questions later. Pick up syringe please Commander, yes, yes,  _that_ one. In event you find no pulse inject me in chest area _._ Anywhere will do."

"No  _pulse - ?"_

"Stand back, Commander." She saw him purse his lips an instant before he pressed a button on the machine. There was a sudden burst of electricity which threw him backwards into the wall of the Med Bay with a yelp - Shepard felt it zing through the ship, pulsing up her spine, arching her back briefly before depositing her in a heap on the floor. The Normandy shuddered around them, console lights flickering. She pushed herself up in alarm.

"Mordin?"

He was lying on his back against the far wall of the Med Bay, staring up at the ceiling. As she hurried towards him he sat up in one fluid movement and waved his omni-tool in front of his chest. "Conscious, mild second degree burns, heart rate one hundred seventy two." He nodded several times, looking pleased. "Acceptable."

"What the  _hell_ is going on?"

"Need to get back to the lab. Will explain on the way, Commander." He shot towards the elevator and stabbed the buttons, leaving her jogging to catch up. "Remember was experimenting on viral life forms? Verrrry complicated structures. Kept exhibiting both transgenic and mutagenic shift. Wondered whether they were either extremely mutable, sentient or possessed a basic sense of humour – "

"Mordin, do you remember that talk we had?"

"Certainly. You proposed deficient gating system between conscious thought and speech, suggested I should modify amount of information passing between the two and in some cases, especially when point is important should," he sniffed, "skip to the end?"

"That's the one."

"Skip to the end?" He looked disappointed. "And not outline scientific methods employed – "

"Yes. Skip hard please, Professor." They strode into the lab and Mordin immediately moved to his bench, picking up tubes and re-arranging strangely shaped glassware.

"Have inadvertently infected myself with virus which will cause extreme tissue damage if heart rate drops below normal range for average salarian. As am not average," he said with a trace of smugness, "in my case lower limit ninety two."

Shepard gaped at him, torn between concern and a grudging admiration for the Machiavellian VI.  _Got to give it to that probe. It's found possibly the only way to keep a Salarian's adrenaline levels up._ Her mind flicked back briefly to Mordin's anger and sadness at having to kill his protégé down on the Krogan homeworld and his subsequent almost comically fast resolution of the conflicted emotions the situation had engendered. Even as part of her combat team he was prone to sudden streams of consciousness, suggesting a mind-set more appropriate to a stroll in a Citadel park than being shot at by multiple murderous assailants.

"Unfortunately," he continued, "maintaining said elevated heart rate includes use of methods which may result in organ failure. Metabolism enhancing drugs, low level electrocution, for example. Must find cure before effects cause severe damage. Moderate damage," he sniffed, "acceptable."

He swirled a tube and poured the contents on a slide, adding a few drops of blood from a quick cut to his palm and she winced a little at the overlapping lacerations over his hands and forearms. He muttered under his breath and cast the tube aside. "Record: antidote experiment number thirty one also failure."

His omni-tool beeped twice at him.

"How long?"

"Approximately seven minutes and forty six point seven seconds allowing for extension of stimulant effect by electrocution."

"Approximately, huh?" She said with faint amusement. "So you just going to keep shooting up until you find a cure?"

"Drugs losing efficacy. Only two minutes before dosing required. Repeated shocking prolongs effect. Inadvisable more than once. Maybe twice"

Shepard rolled her eyes. "I could have told you that."

He grasped another series of tubes and began mixing as she propped herself on the bench, folding her arms. "What would happen if you let your heart rate drop below the danger levels?" She said evenly.

"Levels required for continued life, Shepard, not danger levels." His eyes flicked towards her and away. "Borrowed fish to test theory. None survived infection without amphetamine based infusions. Vastly reduced life expectancy."

_Won't be able to persuade him to wait and see what happens then._ She blinked suddenly.  _Back up._

"You infected my fish? You… _drugged_ my fish?"

"For scientific purposes. Needed control experiments. Necessary sacrifice. Will replace when we revisit Citadel. Also cleared out dead ones. Were in early stage decomposition." He gave her a reproachful glare, as if getting fish high was an infinitely more moral practice.

"Are there not safer ways of maintaining your heart rate on the drugs other than shocking yourself? What about exercise?"

Mordin shook his head, attention still fixed on the compounds in front of him. "Not enough." His omni-tool beeped again.

"Really  _strenuous_  exercise?"

"Record: experiment thirty two failure." He staggered and grasped the desk in front of him, passing a hand over his face before looking up at her suddenly. "Wait. Have idea. Thank you, Shepard."

"You're…welcome?"

"Briefing Room. Now."

* * *

She followed him in and started in surprise to see the rest of the crew arranged around the room each with an expression she could only describe as expectant.  _I'm getting a bad feeling about this…_

Mordin whirled suddenly, startling her. "Commander Shepard. This is potentially life or death situation. Respectfully request you engage in interspecies intercourse in front of crew."

Shepard felt her mouth drop open. "You…what?"

"Perfect scenario although apologies, no time for dinner or mood music, Commander. Strenuous activity. Audience expectation. Slightly, how should I say, unusual coupling?" He sniffed. "Moderate performance anxiety."

"You. And me." He nodded briskly. Shepard backed away from him slightly as he advanced on her, popping a button on his tunic and raised a hand to ward him off. "I'm not saying yes, but…just… _hypothetically_  say I do agree to this…"

"Yes?" She watched him remove his gloves and eye his nails critically.

" _Hypothetically_  would it be an incredibly shocking and potentially life changingly traumatic experience for you, Professor?"  _Could I really take that one for the team?_ she thought desperately. "Because if the answer's yes I…might consider it."

Mordin paused, head tilted. "You would participate in requested sexual encounter only if I were to find it extremely upsetting? Unexpected, Shepard. Though perhaps unsurprising given background and experiences – "

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"- but no. Would not find it shocking. Have extensive expertise in interspecies relationships. Also, as mentioned previously, life or death situation."

He moved towards her again and she forced herself to remain still. He smiled brightly at her. "Have watched all necessary vids, am capable of – "

Various lewd images paraded themselves through her brain. "No!" She shook her head quickly.

"If you wish, may involve additional crew member of your choosing – "

" _No!_ " She put a hand to her forehead, fervently wishing for nothing less than total amnesia if and when she woke up on the Normandy. "Can't do it. Sorry, Mordin."

"Ah." He looked momentarily downcast and then rallied slightly. "Any volunteers? Gender irrelevant."

There was a pause as the crew eyed each other hopefully. Mordin nodded at Jack encouragingly.

"Lower eyelid responses and tattoos suggest – "

"Go fuck yourself."

Shepard coughed and swallowed a grin.

"That would certainly make things easier," Her eyebrows rose in surprise as Miranda stepped forward. "Life or death, Professor, and I'm all about the mission." She unzipped her tunic and dropped it to the floor, hands at the fastenings of her trousers. Mordin tapped a finger against his mouth thoughtfully.

"Operative Lawson, request you keep boots on? For…stability, of course." He popped a few more buttons on his tunic. "Shepard, would be grateful if you could share opinion on various tactical approaches. Critiques welcome. Your presence would also add to background anxiety levels."

He picked up Miranda bodily and deposited her on the console. Shepard made a strangled noise at the back of her throat at Miranda's pleased squeal and hastily backed out of the room.

* * *

It seemed to go on forever.

Shepard leaned against the corridor wall and wondered briefly if she'd been thrust – she shook her head fiercely to clear it of the disturbing imagery that the word conjured - back into her own nightmare without realising it. She winced as she heard a particularly loud yelp from Miranda followed by the distinctive patter of Mordin's voice, sounding suspiciously like he was giving a running commentary.

He emerged suddenly around ten minutes later humming happily to himself and immediately headed in the direction of the lab. Shepard watched in astonishment as Jack elbowed a flushed, dishevelled and pursuing Miranda out of the way yelling "I'm next or the cheerleader gets it!"

_It's strangely reassuring that the male psyche is just as self-satisfied whether human or alien,_ Shepard thought wryly as she turned to follow him.  _How the hell am I going to find a way to get him out of here now that sex and imminent death are off the table?_

"How long?"

Mordin raised a brow ridge and opened his mouth.

"Before your heart rate puts you in danger again," she amended hastily.

"Unsure. Omni-tool monitoring." He picked up his tubes again. "By the way, recorded events in case information needed for future human-salarian interaction. Made available to entire crew."

"Generous of you. I'm sure they'll be fighting over who gets to watch it."  _Or not._

Mordin paused suddenly. "Interesting." He tapped a few numbers into the console and flicked a glance towards Shepard who frowned at him suspiciously.

"Care to share?"

"Still formulating theory. Permission to request Grunt's presence in lab." His wrist beeped twice.

"Granted, but I want an explanation." She folded her arms.

"All in good time, Shepard. EDI?"

"Crew member Grunt is on his way, Professor Solus."

Mordin nodded several times, before sniffing and moving around his workbench. "Request you stand away from door please, Commander."

"Not until you talk to me. My ship, my crew, my rules."

"Am aware, Commander." His face was set as he edged past her, using his proximity to make her take a few steps backwards.

"Mordin," she began dangerously. The lab door opened and Grunt entered, looking down in mild surprise at the salarian standing just inside.

"Shepard," he rumbled, eyeing him suspiciously. Mordin nodded once, stepped forward, head-butted the krogan smartly on the snout and then folded his arms, looking up at him expectantly. Grunt reeled back with a growl before recovering. He clenched his fists and brought his face closer to the salarian's. "If you were female," he said shortly, "I'd take that as a come-on."

"Interesting," replied Mordin. "Had heard rumours about krogan strength and salarian flexibility outside of sparring matches." He swung his fist in a solid punch to Grunt's jaw and Shepard grimaced in anticipation as Grunt slowly swung his head back to face him. "No documented proof, however."

"You want to spar? I'd break you in half, little scientist."

"Like to see you prove  _that_ equation." Mordin danced back, eyes alight with amusement and then planted his foot squarely in the famed krogan quad area. "Oh dear," he trilled, "damaging the krogan birth rate again."

Grunt roared in fury and charged, knocking him onto and over his workbench with a crash of shattering glass.

Mordin rolled and sprang up quickly, hopping from foot to foot before darting in and landing a flurry of blows to the krogan's torso. "Too slow!" He called as Grunt took a wild swing at him and missed. He barely got out of the way as Grunt whipped his other fist around, grazing the smashed glassware and pausing to admire the slow well and drip of blood between his knuckles before advancing on him again.

Shepard watched them both resignedly. It was clear that the Professor was doing little more than goad Grunt into trying to kill him, unfortunately Grunt stood a reasonable chance of succeeding if Mordin mistimed but one of his dodges. He seemed to have no inclination to protect himself with any techie gadget.  _Would probably spoil the rush_ she thought with a sigh. Grunt caught the salarian a glancing blow and he went spinning onto the floor with a barely concealed whoop, grinning as he was picked up bodily by the front of his tunic and slammed against the bulkhead.  _Better go break it up._

"Enough, you two. Grunt, put him down." Grunt glared at her, mutiny in his eyes for a few seconds before dumping Mordin unceremoniously onto the floor and wiping a hand down his armour with disgust. He sucked the knuckles of his other hand, muttering under his breath.

"Most exhilarating!" Mordin declared happily, staggering to his feet. He checked his omni-tool and nodded, still pleased. "Must thank you."

"Welcome." Grunt looked nonplussed. "Although I should still kill you for your crimes against my race," he paused and then added thoughtfully, "and for kicking me in the quad."

"Would expect nothing less," replied Mordin, frowning at his equipment. "Now you are Urdnot clan member. Beforehand, logic fuzzier. Transplanted racial memories could be seen as indoctrination without appropriate context. Apologies for quad though."

"Urdnot clan second. Battle master first, then crew.

Shepard looked up in genuine surprise.  _Always wondered where he stood on that._

"Interesting," muttered Mordin. He picked up a slide and eyed it under the overhead light before scanning it again. "Have request. Permission to acquire further blood sample from krogan."

"His name's Grunt. And it's his call."

Grunt shrugged and held out his arm wordlessly, watching as the professor quickly extracted a sample and added it to a nearby slide, pouring a compound onto a few drops. She watched Mordin go still, brow ridge rising sharply and flick a sidelong glance at her.

"Well?"

"Superior krogan metabolism. Destabilising viral compound. Could use to create antidote but effect currently minimal. Need larger sample."

"So take some more. Alright with you, Grunt?"

He dipped his head. "Shepard."

Mordin hesitated. "Much larger sample."

She folded her arms. "How much are we talking here?"

"Concentrate would require most of blood volume together with stem cells from marrow. Subject would not survive."

"Would it work?"

"Not enough data."

She shrugged at him.  _Not as if he's the real Grunt anyway._ "Worth a try. Do it."

Grunt stood passively and she motioned him towards Mordin with her chin. "That's an order, krogan."  _Let's hope this ridiculous 'cure' will be enough to get us out of here._

"I – " began Mordin uncertainly. "No."

She narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"

He shook his head decisively. "Will find another way."

"You've got steadily decreasing options, Professor."

"Enough blood on hands even when considered justified. Will not add more when unsure of positive outcome."

"He's a willing participant," she said impatiently

"Must be alternative."

"We're running out of time!" She snapped.

"Plenty of time. Efficacy of metabolic inducers coupled with recent boost to adrenaline levels are sufficient for number of experiments. May ask alternate crew member for spar or coupling. Many options."

Shepard clenched her jaw for a moment and fought down a sudden flare of anger as Grunt looked from Mordin to her and shrugged.  _Down to me to make the decisions again because no-one else wants to get their own damn hands dirty._

She drew her pistol smoothly and Mordin's eyes widened in response.

"Shepard, what are you doing?" He sprang towards her, managing to catch her arm as she pulled the trigger, blowing a corner off the workbench.

"You'll thank me later, Mordin." She shook him off and took aim again.

"Please, Shepard." She faltered a little at the sudden pleading in the salarian's voice. "It's...unacceptable. To me. Will find alternate solution. Need time."

"We're out of time."

Grunt stood facing her passively and she fought down a sudden swell of nausea.  _Condemning your crewmates again, Shepard?_ whispered the mocking voice in her head. She frowned and tightened her grip on the pistol, sighting down the barrel at the krogan.  _He's not real..._ Grunt shifted uncertainly.

_Not real? Real enough to make you wonder. Whose head are you in again?_

"Shepard," rumbled Grunt.

"Fuck you," she muttered and fired, hitting Grunt squarely between the eyes. Blood sprayed in gentle arcs as he hit the deck heavily and for a moment there was silence as Mordin brushed at the fine spatters on his tunic absently, gazing at her with an unreadable expression.

"Unexpected." He said finally.

* * *

She sat up quickly, groaning as black spots danced in front of her eyes and a wave of nausea hit her. Warm hands were immediately at her shoulders and when her vision cleared she saw Thane watching her intently. "Are you well, Si- Commander?"

"I'm fine, thank you." She pulled herself carefully upright and looked around, swallowing thickly. "Where's Mordin?"

"He returned to his lab soon after waking." She felt a gentle touch at the back of her neck before he stepped away, setting the blood-stained cable down and clasping his hands behind his back quickly. "I believe Operative Lawson is briefing him now. Are you well, Si-, Commander?"

"I'm fine. Mentally scarred probably, but fine. Shield holding up okay? Any change in the crew?" She knelt by Garrus and checked his dressings quickly. Thane turned away towards the probe and lowered himself gracefully to the floor without looking at her.

"Everything is as it was, Commander."

She opened her mouth and shut it again."I'm going to check on the Professor. Get EDI to notify me if there are any problems here."

Thane turned as the door closed behind her. "Understood," he replied softly.

Mordin was back in his customary position behind the workbench when she entered, tapping busily on his console. "Ah, Shepard," he said, eyes on the readout, "Operative Lawson just left, want me to call her back in?"

" _No,_ " she said quickly. "I mean no need," she amended as he glanced at her in surprise, "not if she's briefed you…thoroughly…" She closed her eyes, face heating slightly.

"Embarrassment at interspecies coupling? Necessary action. Would do again if situation demanded."

"Whatever gets the job done, right?"

Mordin dropped his gaze. "Some cases. Not all."

"Is there a problem?"

"Your actions. Grunt." He avoided her eyes. "Finding them difficult to resolve in own mind. Wanted no more blood on hands, real or virtual. Ignored my wishes."

"You're angry at me for going against your personal moral compass? Professor - "

He paced back and forth a few steps. "No, that's not all of it. Chose one crew member over another. No reasoning behind it."

Shepard smiled and folded her arms. "Come on, Solus. It wasn't  _real._ There's no more blood on your hands than there was 's not as if  _I actually_  killed Grunt to save you. You think I could do that?"

He met her eyes finally. "Yes." She stared at him. "Thinking of Lt. Alenko, Gunnery Chief Williams," he continued. " _Was_  real. Snap decision. No reasoning. You just chose."

"What are you saying, exactly?"

"Not saying anything. I am dispensable as are rest of crew when it comes to mission. Should they know this too? Maybe already do and I am simply slow to realise. No, not slow. Perhaps deluded."

_Murderer._  She stood silently for a moment listening to the insistent internal voice and then thinned her lips.  _You get it done._ "I should go."

"Commander. Will work on physical condition of rest of crew and report. Can also provide blueprints for shield generator from salarian tech." He dipped his head as she turned to leave. "Have my respect nonetheless, Shepard," he said quietly. "Will be here if you need me."

* * *

Shepard tore off her clothes angrily and stepped under the shower.  _If he wants to think he's dispensable, let him think he's damn dispensable._ Short nails gouged her scalp as she furiously lathered her hair.  _Lost my team on Akuze, had to choose between two of my officers and he makes the assumption, from one virtual incident, that it's_ _ **easy**_ _for me to come to terms with decisions about individual crew members. This from a salarian! To hell with him._

She stalked out of the tiny bathroom and then sat heavily on the edge of her bed, fatigue leadening her limbs.  _But the mission comes first_ she thought tiredly _. Not the crew. Decisions are easier when it's just your head involved._

If she was honest, ever since Virmire, maybe even Akuze, she'd distanced herself from both crew and superiors in the hope of never having to make a choice between her team and a mission, not wanting to be responsible for the death of another teammate and having to live with the survivor's guilt that inevitably followed. Maybe Mordin was right. Maybe, if it came down to it, this crew was, each and every one, dispensable in the face of a successful mission. She shook her head, images of her crew flashing through her mind – Garrus, Jack, Joker, Tali, all of them friends despite her efforts to keep them at arms' length. Could she make such a decision again if she needed to? For the greater good? Garrus' voice danced through her head again.

"Commander Shepard." She opened eyes that had drifted shut without her realising.

"Go on, EDI."

"Professor Solus is requesting a meeting in the Briefing Room."

She pulled her uniform back on and adjusted it carefully, pushing wet tendrils of hair back from her face.

"I'm ready."

TBC

 


	11. Tali

"Your report, Shepard."

She glanced at the datapad. Names. Lines of text. Strings of incomprehensible numbers. Sometimes she wondered if he was actively fucking with her when he drew up his reports or whether he genuinely expected her to understand his ridiculously complicated info dumps.

"This is all very interesting Professor but I don't have the time. Summarise it for me."

Mordin was looking particularly pleased with himself and if she hadn't been so desperate to know his findings she may well have punched him in the face just to relieve some of the tension that had been slowly building up between her quarters and the briefing room.

"Satisfied. Crew currently in reasonable health." She let out a slow breath and relaxed, some of the weight leaving her shoulders. "Cellular degeneration and moderate dehydration. Have been able to insert i.v. to supplement without disturbing connection." He paused expectantly.

"Good job." For someone with such an obvious ego he did love having it massaged every now and again. Her treacherous brain promptly seized the mild innuendo and swirled with it down a nearby latrine as memories of the salarian and Miranda together threatened to test her gag reflex. Mordin glanced up at her and smirked as if he knew exactly what she was thinking.

"Minor levels of radiation sickness, some more resistant than others, turian especially." The smug bastard was tapping out a staccato rhythm on the console, stopping every now and again to trace a panel, watching her follow the movements of his fingers with evident amusement. She folded her arms.

"Alright. Have you got any further – could you stop that? – with the VI data?" Mordin raised a brow and she sneaked a quick glance around the room to see the crew eyeing her with various degrees of alarm. She ground her teeth. If you knew what happened on this table inside that salarian's head you'd sure as hell be alarmed.

"Indeed. Power fluctuations after disengaging crew becoming greater however have been unable to bypass systems to extend window of opportunity. Need to determine increased defensive capabilities or counteract them. Also have theories on decreasing effects of power drain on crew but need tech specialist to test. Beyond my capabilities at present. Require additional input."

"Who then?" She snapped. "Legion? Tali?"

"Legion less likely to suffer further damage from probe. Suggest Tali."

Shepard went very still and unfolded her arms slowly, her gaze narrowing at a point just over Mordin's right shoulder.

"What do you mean," she said carefully, "further damage? You said they were in reasonable health."

"Cellular degeneration and moderate dehydration. Also said currently."

The silence stretched and Shepard became aware of Miranda shifting impatiently. She resisted the urge to order everyone out of the room so she could have a more unrestrained chat with the infuriatingly evasive scientist but settled instead for planting her feet more firmly and gesturing politely at him to continue while she ground her teeth. Mordin tapped his fingers together which made her want to slice his hands off and she was on the point of opening her mouth to scream out of pure, non-professional frustration when she caught a low sound coming from the corner of the room.

It was just on the edge of her hearing, so low as to be almost a vibration and when she looked towards the source he remained completely still, gaze intent on the salarian, only his slightly inflated throat ridges betraying him. Mordin obviously heard too and he glanced up at the assassin, coming as close to blanching as Shepard had ever seen and quite honestly she didn't blame him. The soft, steady growl was primal, chilling, both a threat and a warning.

"Energy generated by chemical cycles in all forms of sentient life," Mordin said hastily. "Potential not unlimited. Probe drawing increasing amounts from remainder as other sources are removed, hence cellular degeneration as body not able to sustain requirements. Currently organs intact. In time, postulate irreparable damage."

His nightmare thought Shepard suddenly. He already knew this, worked it out subconsciously. Why wait to tell me?

Mordin shuffled his feet and fell silent.

Time enough to think about that later. She rubbed her forehead wearily. If what Mordin says is right, clock's ticking for everyone still connected to the probe.

"Commander Shepard – "

"You said Tali could help, right?" She ignored Miranda. The insinuation being I'd better pull her out now, just in case.

"Yes. Need tech specialist."

"Let's go get her," she said finally. She jerked her chin at the assassin and turned towards the door. "Thane, you're with me."

For a machine of its relatively small size, it did make an alarming amount of noise. Thane and Shepard eyed the radioactive shield generator speculatively. Joker, at the far end of the bridge in his usual chair, pulled his hat down as far as it would go and sighed noisily.

"Ruining my Zen here, Commander," he called.

"It's also saving your ass. Deal with it."

Thane clasped his hands behind his back. "You no longer need a biotic here, Shepard."

"No…I just wanted to thank you. For what you did in there." Whatever that was she added mentally.

"I, too, was interested in what the Professor had to say. He was taking a long time to get to the point."

"Right." She turned and made her way to the bedroll on the floor feeling stupid.

"But he believes he has power over you when he does not," Thane added softly. "Sometimes it is good to remind him of that."

She lay down and reached for the cable, noting from the corner of her eye that Thane had settled himself onto the floor beside her. As she brought the cable to her neck her last fleeting thought was that she was glad there was someone there to watch over her.

Tali crouched and peered around the corner. All clear. She lowered her gun and motioned carefully to her team. The Geth ship appeared deserted. Suspiciously so, she reminded herself. A ship fully armed yet easy to approach and board was more than a gift - it was a disaster waiting to happen but her curiosity would not let this potential Trojan go.

The Flotilla needed parts, information. Following her report even her father had taken time out from his research to plead her case that the derelict ship was too valuable to dismiss and she risked a quick glance back at him, got a slight nod in return. There was a brief moment where she felt she was floating, disorientated, before she steadied herself and nodded back, feeling slightly unsettled. She crept towards the doorway at the end of the dim corridor, aware of Kal'reegar on the opposite side of the corridor, and peered through. Another dimly lit room, electronic pathways on the floor inactive, console lights blinking.

"Careful," Kal'reegar whispered and she gripped her shotgun a little more firmly, easing herself in. Three geth stood in front of her and she drew a quick breath, bringing the gun up and dropping to one knee. No movement, optics dark. She exhaled shakily. Inactive, two soldier models, one Prime. What a find!

She stood quickly and sheathed the gun, moving to one of the consoles.

"Tali wait – "

A flare behind her. Something thudded into one of her legs and she slipped almost dreamily to the ground, watching a pool of blood that wasn't there before spread slowly across the metal floor. Another impact to her shoulder smashed her back against the console, making her head spin. She watched two of the smaller geth fall in slow motion. Blood splashed her mask, obscuring her vision and she raised a hand to try and wipe it off, frowning as she couldn't seem to lift it properly. Other hands grabbed her, pulled her out of the flickering room and she protested weakly as parts of her suit were left crumpled on the floor.

She fought down a rising sense of panic. Resigned to suited life from birth to death, suit ruptures and potential exposure to the deadly environment were primal fears drilled into every quarian child. Even the removal of the suit for sex was carefully planned and in most cases tinged with apprehension throughout. A quarian without a suit was naked on so many levels.

Suit will have sealed itself automatically but could still get an infection from a slow leak…or…or…She tried to reach back to the ripped piece with her good hand. We can use it as a patch if needed. She scrabbled at the material and pulled. Heavy. The suit fabric isn't that heavy. Realisation sent white spots dancing across her vision and she jerked back with a gasp.

Not parts of her suit. Parts of her.

Things were blurry. Disembodied voices shouting, the corridor moving slowly past as she struggled to focus. Blood loss. But where was the pain? You should not wish for pain, Tali vas Normandy she thought with an odd giggle. Vas Normandy? You are delirious…

She felt herself laid out on something cold and hard. Her father hovered above her and she heard the sounds of gunfire in the background.

"I'm sorry, Tali." Her mouth moved to reply but refused to form coherent words.

"This is the only way to save you. I can't stop the bleeding." She felt a touch at her shoulder, at her hip and looked down.

"No, Father." She managed. "Wait, please stop!"

"Please forgive me, Tali."

"Father!"

Shepard snapped her head up. The scream still echoed down the metal corridor in which she found herself sprawled, quickly replaced by faint shouting and weapons fire. She cocked her head, checked she was appropriately dressed – Cerberus standard issue, no less - and headed in the direction of the noises. A Geth ship. Not surprising really. Sometimes she thought she knew Tali better than the quarian knew herself. Since Legion had become part of the crew, Tali had been monitoring it almost constantly, even to the point of installing the extra camera in the AI core. She thinks I don't know about that one. The quarian was cautious around Legion as well, hand never far from her shotgun even though it had proved itself time and time again to be loyal if not exactly trustworthy. One thing you could say about Legion is that it always made carefully considered decisions at least. Apart from the N7 armour.

Legion's still working on that one and I'd say that's the only thing that's kept Tali from blowing it to hell. If there's one thing she can't resist, thought Shepard grimly, it's a puzzle.

She slowed at the end of the corridor. Stray cables sparked under ruined sections of the wall illuminating the dark room beyond in short bursts. There was no noise apart from the intermittent buzzes, no gunfire, no voices. And no gun, dammit she thought irritably. At least she hadn't been forced into one of those damn suits. She'd have probably suffocated herself halfway down the corridor by activating the wrong control.

She put her back to the doorframe and peeked one eye around carefully, squinting into the flickering room.

There was a metal slab dead centre of the room smeared with a disturbing amount of blood. Small puddles of run-off had coagulated at the base, vivid trails ran down the sides. The room smelt thick, metallic and wrong. She took a breath and started to slide herself along the wall into the room.

"Don't come any closer." The low voice came from a darkened corner obscured by the makeshift operating table. "Stay where you are."

She froze. "Tali, it's me. Shepard. I'm here to help you." She squinted into the room. "Are you injured?"

"Stay back Shepard! I- I- can't…" the voice hitched and there was a faint scuffling noise.

"It's okay, Tali," she murmured, easing forward. "Where are the others? I heard shouting. Is it safe here?"

"They're all gone…" Tali gave a sudden moan of pain. "Please – "

The sound of the shotgun was deafening, Shepard ducked instinctively. The corner of the table crumpled under the impact but a small spray slammed into the top of her shoulder, spinning her onto the floor. She sat up with a grunt of pain and put a hand to it, grimacing at the blood on her glove. "Tali, what the hell - ? Where's the hostile?"

"I can't stop it," whimpered the quarian. "Please help me…"

Shepard removed her glove and tossed it towards the corner, ducking around the other side of the table as the second blast disintegrated the metal. She barrelled towards the voice, keeping her head down, eyes peeled for the first glint of blue optics and stopped dead.

Tali was slumped in the corner, shotgun in hand. Shepard risked a quick glance around and saw no other movement.

"No!" The shotgun came up and Shepard became aware that Tali was trying to force it down with the weight of her body, feet scrabbling for purchase on the sticky floor and dove forward, wrenching it out of her grasp and staggering backwards with it. All the fight seemed to go out of the quarian and she slid onto the floor, keening.

"What," Shepard gasped, "the hell is going on? Did you just shoot at me?"

"I can't stop it, I can't stop it…"

Shepard knelt carefully in front of her, keeping the shotgun out of reach as the quarian cringed away from her, flattening herself against the wall.

"What can't you stop, Tali?" She said gently. "Talk to me."

Tali tensed and then sighed and turned her body slowly towards her. Shepard felt her mouth fall open as her brain tried to process the utterly incomprehensible sight of Tali with…she shook her head slowly.

"What happened to you?"

"My father. I was injured. He said he couldn't stop the bleeding – " Tali's voice faltered.

Her suit was mostly intact, her mask in place. A corded metal limb writhed gently where her right arm should have been, silver pincers opening and closing slowly, rotating to face Shepard as if watching her. A faint whirring noise turned her attention to where the quarian's left foot should have been, but the metallic limb was dark and melted, oozing a clear viscous liquid onto the floor.

"Kal'reegar shot the leg." Tali said in response to her questioning gaze.

"But – "

"I asked him to. They tried to help me Shepard. They tried to get me back to the ship." Her voice hitched. "And I killed them all. All of them. My father, my crew." She gave a sob. "You have to stop this. It's…alive. I think…it's starting to…"

"It's okay, Tali. I can help you – " I'll blow the damn thing off if I have to.

"I can hear them, Shepard."

"Hear what?"

"The Geth. I can hear them," Tali breathed. "A million voices all talking at once. Asking me things. Telling me things. Telling me to…do things. They're getting louder. I can't think…"

"Calm down. " Shepard paused and swallowed. "What if I removed it? Or…just disabled it until we could get you to help?" She checked the gun unobtrusively. Three clips left.

Tali rolled her head from side to side. "It's fused with my suit. I think that's how it's forming connections with the collective."

"We've got to get your suit off then."

"You can't!" Gasped Tali, curling in on herself. "Shepard, please. Wait a little longer. The fleet will come, they could help. I'll die – "

"No you won't. There's atmosphere here. Come on, Tali, I don't have time for this." She stood up.

"What are you doing?" Tali's eyes were wide behind her mask.

"Either you take the suit off or I'm doing it for you, your choice."

"I don't understand…how could you - ? Why aren't you helping me?"

"I am helping you!" Shepard fought down the urge to fire a shot into the wall beside Tali's head. This is ridiculous. She won't die, she won't get sick, she'll thank me later. Rip the damn suit off, her 'worst nightmare' of becoming a Geth drone is over and we both get out of here. She's damn lucky she's the next out if what Mordin says is true.

"Stop making such a goddamn fuss!" She was suddenly furious with Tali. Furious that she was stuck in her ridiculous nightmare, that she had been made to choose her above the others. Above Garrus, a traitorous voice whispered. And now the idiotic engineer was fucking her about over a decision she should be making for her.

For her own good.

Snarling, she threw the shotgun behind her and lunged forward, grasping the edge of her mask. The plated arm flashed up towards her, hitting her square in the chest and throwing her backwards. She twisted quickly, grabbing for the shotgun and found herself pulled across the floor on her belly.

"Tali stop it!"

"You will not hurt us."

Shit.

She kicked out behind her but hit empty air and was turned roughly onto her back. A gloved limb reached up, grasped a handful of hair, and slammed the back of her head hard into the deck, turning everything grey. She tried to sit up but cold metal surrounded her neck suddenly and began to tighten.

"Tali," she choked, clawing at the pincer desperately. The quarian's eyes were inches from hers, narrowed and intent through the mask. Shepard felt the room begin to slip away, her vision becoming blotchy and red. I shouldn't have forced her. Not when she believes this is real. She saw her Commander – her friend– betray her, sign her death warrant and then accuse her of making a goddamn fuss. The air had gone, the pressure on her neck was unbearable and as she gazed into the misted mask she felt her body start to relax, her limbs going limp.

"Tali, I'm sorry – "

The mask moved closer and she saw the eyes widen, dimly felt the gloved hand leave her hair and move to her neck, beginning to pull at the metal limb.

"Open." Rasped Tali desperately. "Open, you bosh'tet – "

The pressure relieved slightly and Shepard managed a thin, wheezing breath before it increased again tenfold.

"No!" Tali smashed ineffectually at the limb with her left hand and then stilled, shoulders shaking.

"I can't make it open - "

Shepard gave her a ghost of a smile. My fault, not yours. White eyes held her gaze for long moments. A gloved hand reached up, the quarian drew in a shaky breath and and then suddenly the mask was gone. Shepard scrabbled weakly, trying to re-attach the faceplate until she felt Tali's hand press gently down on hers.

"Shepard, it's the only way to stop this. I...won't let you die."

A faint mist sighed into the space between them as the mask clattered to the floor and Shepard looked on her engineer's face with both wonder and a gnawing guilt. As her vision faded to black she felt her questing hand gently touch the quarian's cheek. The pressure around her neck eased and she took a grateful breath, floating down through layers of static and light.

It was hard to swallow. She felt the tender flesh of her throat and winced, pulling herself upright. Apart from Joker, she was alone on the bridge.

"Thane took Tali to the Med Bay," he said without turning round.

"Is she okay?"

Joker shrugged. "She seemed pretty upset." The back of his head eyed her belligerently.

Shepard rubbed her throat again and headed for the elevator. "EDI?" She rasped.

"Crew briefing room two hours. I'm hitting the shower." And the painkillers.

"Yes, Commander."

You deserve this. You made her- She cut off the thought half-formed and left the bridge.

Shepard leaned on the table and cleared her throat painfully.

"You've been briefed, Tali?"

The quarian nodded quickly, her hands twisting together in front of her.

"Have given her relevant information on input required," supplied Mordin helpfully. "Will begin testing algorithms as soon as possible."

"Right." She risked a glance at the engineer who avoided her gaze. "How are you feeling?"

"I am myself, Shepard."

"I wanted – "

"Please, Shepard. Don't." Tali shook her head quickly. "I need to concentrate on…everything else. We can talk afterwards."

She nodded sharply and ignored the slow twist in her stomach. She's right. Focus on the mission. Everything else can wait. "Alright then. Just so we all know where things stand, Mordin and Tali will work on the VI data, any support the rest of you can provide will be appreciated. Professor, crew status report, please."

The salarian blinked a few times and picked up his data pad, looking oddly uncomfortable. "Further cellular degeneration after recent disengagement. Krogan noticeably affected. Few tertiary systems have shut down, essentially redundant. Speed of degeneration unexpected. Curious. Advise -"

Shepard pressed her lips together. "I'm getting Garrus out next."

There was a short silence. She counted to five silently and then pushed herself upright. "If there are no questions – "

"Wait, Commander." She looked up to meet Samara's cool gaze.

"Yes?"

"On what basis are you choosing the next crew member to be saved?"

"Saved is a little strong - "

"We have already established that the longer you are exposed to the probe's influence, the more detrimental the effect on your health. The Professor has stated that the krogan Grunt is deteriorating more quickly than expected. I would like to know the basis for your decision. How is it the right one?"

And that's why Mordin withheld the information from me.

She tipped her head back in realisation. At some point he knew she would have to choose. The power drain from the probe was getting stronger and it was possible the more people she 'saved', the less likely the ones who were left might survive the increased power drains as the probe bolstered it's whatever the hell it was bolstering. She would have to choose between her crew. Again. She glanced at him, saw his eyes flicker with something very much like regret and felt a wave of unaccustomed affection for the scarred salarian. She met the Justicar's gaze and pursed her lips.

"I don't have the luxury of a Code like you, Samara. There is no right or wrong. There's just me. I make the decisions on this ship because I'm in charge and because no-one else will. If I say Garrus is next it's because it's my decision. And I'll stand by it. Garrus is up next."

She swept her gaze over the crew assembled in front of her and folded her arms.

"Any questions?"

TBC


	12. Chapter 12

She left the Briefing Room abruptly, the accusatory gazes of the crew members she had included in her last parting glare reminding her uncomfortably of the brief foray into her own disturbing subconscious on the false Virmire.

_Darkness, panic, the burning man –_

Heat bloomed behind her and she whirled, scrabbling for her pistol.

_Empty corridor._

"Goddamit." She slumped against the wall and took in a shaky breath.

"Everything okay, Commander?" The tinny, disembodied voice jerked her upright with a gasp and she scowled in the general direction of the camera, straightening her tunic ostentatiously.

"Stop  _spying_ on me, Joker, I'm fine." She rubbed at her eyes. "I just – "

_Need sleep._

"Why don't you grab some rack, Ma'am?" His voice was tinged with concern. "Couple of hours won't hurt."

"You're sure about that, are you?" She thought longingly of her bed, her canopy of stars, of brief oblivion. "We don't know how long the others have left," she sighed, passing a hand over her brow.

"But if you're, uh...you know..." began Joker uncomfortably, "...going after Garrus...he's not...I mean you got time, right?"

She ground her teeth and slammed the heel of her hand on the elevator button. "Just helm the damn  _ship._ "

For once in his life Joker had the wisdom to remain silent.

* * *

Shepard strode through the Mess, thankful that it was unusually empty. Her skin was crawling, muscles locked down tight; she felt at any moment she might explode at the first vaguely questioning glance thrown her way and do some serious damage to the glancer. Slamming her way into the Main Battery she hissed a string of expletives, throwing herself down hard onto the box in the corner.  _It never used to be like this!_  Why was this so damn hard? She'd made the call between crew members before, decided courses of action which would likely result in casualties, more often than not _insane_ courses of action and she hadn't once  _ever_  second guessed herself. And now not only was she fighting her crew she was fighting her own goddamn conscience. Why now?

She thumped her head gently against the wall.  _Because back then you knew what had to be done, you got the bigger picture - killing the bad guy, sacrificing whatever needed to be sacrificed for..._

"The greater good." The words were out before she could stop them and the sudden absence of the familiar figure at the console hit her like a freight train to the face. More than anything she needed his steadying voice, his dependability and strength, his reassuring presence. No second guessing with him. He wasn't afraid to challenge her any more, not after the whole Sidonis debacle, and her respect for him had increased tenfold as a result. She wanted...no, she  _needed..._

Shepard stood and braced herself on the – his – console. Her decision was sound. He was needed for the mission. The exact parameters were still unknown but he had experience, a strategic mind, technical skills. Why the hell was she still debating this? She straightened decisively and turned to leave but in spite of herself her gaze was drawn to the cargo bay window on the floor below. The usually fogged glass was clear and the room almost painfully bright and to her surprise a sudden stab of guilt pricked at her. Grunt hadn't been part of the original plan - he'd been the single stroke of luck on what had turned out to be fool's errand. A tank bred child who'd attached himself to the bloodshed that inevitably followed her, one she'd managed to housetrain to the point he wouldn't chew the furniture. A point and click gun arm.

_On what basis are you choosing the next crew member to be saved_? Samara's clear gaze swam into her head, weighing and judgemental.

He was a weapon, a tool, nothing more. If she hadn't happened upon him he'd be one more alien body on a lab floor.

_Speed of degeneration unexpected._

So what if he was deteriorating more quickly than expected? He wasn't her priority _._

_Battlemaster first, then crew he had rumbled, glancing sidelong at her._

"I refuse to be swayed by a construct from a damn  _salarian's_  subconscious," she growled, scrubbing at her face and standing abruptly. "EDI?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Everything prepped for my next descent into someone else's madness?"

"Please clarify, Commander."

"Never mind. On my way to the bridge."

Shepard eased herself down onto the bedroll and spared a moment to wonder who had thoughtfully provided the pillow which had materialised somewhere between her last hook-up and now. She turned it over in her hands and snorted involuntarily when her eyes fell on the crudely drawn figure of a turian seemingly in the act of impaling itself on a stick inked on the underside. She traced the figure gently and cast an eye at Joker's empty seat; he'd been gently manhandled away to rest by Chakwas and the bridge felt very still without the constant movement of his hands and the steadily blinking lights on the manual control panels. She reached for the cable as the elevator door swished open and Samara entered. The asari eyed her coolly for a moment then glided over, folding herself down gracefully onto the floor.

"I have not come to apologise."

"Wouldn't expect you to." She placed the pillow gently under her head and wriggled her shoulders gratefully.

"But I would sit with you for a while, if that is acceptable."

Shepard rolled her head slightly to look up at her. "I'd like that."

Samara gazed down at her, her eyes moving over her face, ageless and serene. "This is difficult for you."

"You said you weren't going to apologise."

"And I will not, Commander. I am merely offering companionship."

Shepard chuckled and picked up the cable. "That's all I ever seem to get these days."

* * *

Her gun was in her hand and the smell of smoke and thermal residue was thick in her nostrils. A dull wind shifted sand over her boots, swirling around scattered rocks and ship debris and she raised her head, squinting up at the dirty brown sky, absently brushing dirt off her faceplate.

"Nice place."

A shifting of rocks to her right and suddenly he was there, stepping out from behind the sparse cover, silent and deadly. He lowered his gun as soon as he saw her, eyes bright, the tension dropping from his body immediately.

"Shepard."

"Hi," she managed.

"It's good to see you."

"Yeah." She moved towards him carefully, scanning their surroundings for signs of movement. "We alone?"

He considered her. "Yes."

She felt the weight of emotion heavy on her chest. "I need to tell you something – "

"Come with me, Shepard." He turned and started threading his way purposefully through the debris.

"Wait, where are we going?"

"I need your help." He cast an eye at her over his shoulder, armour glinting dully in the fading light. "I need to find my father."

"Then what?"

He hesitated briefly and shook his head, walking onwards without looking back to see if she was following. She sighed and jogged quickly to catch up with him before falling into step at his side.

She glanced at him from time to time as they trudged in silence. He ignored her for the most part and she found herself relieved at not having to talk, concentrating instead on scanning their immediate vicinity which appeared to be completely deserted. Her chest ached, a combination of breathing in the acrid dust of the blasted planet and the oppressive weight of her anxiety. She tightened her grip on the gun and stole another look at him.  _One step at a time._ A tall building, girders exposed and skeletal in the dim moonlight rose in front of them, flashes of lightning outlining it from behind racing clouds.

"That where we're heading?" A tight nod. She pursed her lips in vague irritation but decided against questioning him further or trying to force a reaction. Pushing the situation hadn't helped her at  _all_  recently thatmuch was obvious. Tali's anguished voice echoed suddenly in her head and she flinched and swallowed against the bitter taste that flooded the back of her throat at the memory.

"Lead the way."

There was a low rumble of thunder and lightning illuminated the building in front of them; she caught a glint of metal and shoved him to one side, rolling.

" _Contact_."

Afterwards she found her recollection was fuzzy at best, a series of disjointed images accompanied by the smell of burning. Gunfire, biotic flashes bright amongst the heavy shadows of the metal struts and platforms. The tower was populated by mercenaries trained to repel the opportunistic invader but they were no match for Cerberus firepower, grim determination and an ex-Alliance soldier who'd been itching for an excuse to deal out violence for some time.

She was aware of moving indistinct shapes, his body shielding hers as they moved from floor to floor of the crumbling building, his breath loud in her ears as he concentrated before each shot, picking bodies off at close range. Finally the panicked chatter on the merc radios went silent and enemy movement ceased. They were both panting with exertion, the sound abnormally loud in the sudden absence of noise. Her helmet was stifling; she pulled it off and threw it to the floor with a clatter, shaking sweaty hair out of her eyes. Creeping to the top of a set of grated stairs they paused, listening, in front of a set of large metallic doors.

He glanced at her speculatively. "We're close."

"Glad to hear it." She checked her gun quickly. "Expecting any more trouble?"

He shook his head, eyes trained on the doors in front of them.

"What does your father want with you?" He ignored her, head tilted, hands busy on his gun. "Talk to me, G- "

"Listen."

There was a soft beeping from inside the room, and, underlying, faint scuffles of movement. She risked a glance down the stairs behind them, no-one followed but the skin on her back crawled with anxiety. She motioned him to a guard position, both of them either side of the doors, and then palmed the control, peering around cautiously as the doors slid open. She caught a glimpse of panels and lockers, flickering readouts and registered the background noises of both bubbling liquid and a generator's hum before glimpsing movement at the back of the room. She raised her gun quickly, shifting her weight forwards.

"I'm surprised you didn't come sooner." A dense patch of shadows resolved itself into a figure which turned its head towards them, placing a datapad gently onto a nearby console. A gloved digit stretched towards a panel and Shepard grunted a warning, gripping her gun a little more tightly.

"Lights.' Said a deep voice mildly.

She hesitated and then nodded sharply, eyes moving around the room as it brightened slowly. A jumble of panels, some intact, others prised open spilling wires comprised one wall making it look disturbingly organic. Even more disturbing were what she originally taken to be lockers in the dim light. Scattered around the room were mannequins of various sizes and species, some moulded down to the tiniest detail. Her eyes flicked between them nervously, alert for signs of movement.

_Mannequins coming to life, huh? What are you, twelve?_

Others were half finished, features blank, limbs missing. She repressed a shiver at a model of a small humanoid perfect right down to his etched goatee beard with a blank space where his eyes should have been. Tearing her eyes away with an effort she focused on the tall figure slowly moving towards her crewmate who had dropped his gun at his approach. He nodded a greeting and they eyed each other warily.

"Father."

The warlord clapped a massive hand on his shoulder and shook him gently. "It's good to see you, Grunt."

* * *

Grunt shifted minutely under Okeer's scrutiny. The warmth of his Battlemaster's presence at his back was heartening but the odd sensation of wanting to impress his Father-Creator permeated him, making his hide itch. He resisted the urge to fidget and instead drew himself up straighter, huffing air through his nostrils and stretching his neck.

"You've grown." Okeer walked a slow circle around him, tapping his armour thoughtfully. "And you are Urdnot. A Clan to be proud of. Strong." He looked sideways at Shepard, small eyes sharp and assessing. "Yet you follow this human woman. This  _Commander_ of our enemies. You should be fighting with the krogan. I made you to be a weapon for your race, one who burns bright and dies in glorious battle, not one who wastes away on an alien spaceship surrounded by the stink of weakness."

"Shepard is my Battlemaster. She has no match."

"You squander what little time you have remaining."

Shepard looked up sharply, eyes narrowed. "What do you mean 'what little time'?"

Okeer paused, eyes fixed on Grunt and then snorted. "You have not told her," he said flatly, a hint of curiosity in his voice.

"Wait," she holstered her pistol, folding her arms impatiently, "told me what? I want an explanation. Now."

Grunt ignored her and turned slowly to face the warlord. "You made me. Fix this."

"I can't. Your strength and speed, the purity of your genetics was at the expense of your longevity. This cannot be changed."

"Longevity?" Shepard watched in disbelief as he advanced on his creator.  _Would we even have known if Mordin had not picked up on it?_

"You're...dying?"

He snorted. "No. My lifespan is short."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

"Doesn't matter now."

Grunt leaned down, peering into Okeer's eyes intently. "I want more  _life_ , Father."

The warlord turned away from him, shaking his head. "Search your knowledge from the Mother-Tank. It's beyond my ability. You know this."

Grunt remained where he was, head lowered.

"Come with me," continued Okeer. "I will teach you. I will be your Battlemaster, your true master. Together we will take our revenge on those who have crushed our people. I created you to be perfect, to seek the perfect death. Is that not why you follow his human woman? Why you sought me out? You burn twice as brightly as any before you, your strength and speed are unmatched." A hint of pride touched his words.

Shepard eyed the younger krogan. "Your call, Grunt. If this is what you want I won't stop you." She hesitated. 'As long as you don't try and slaughter anyone from the Normandy. Or, you know, start a galactic war."  _Or make the wrong choice here._

"I am your father," insisted Okeer. "Your duty is to our race. Join me. I will help you- "

"You can't help me," Grunt said flatly. He tilted his head to gaze at Shepard for a long moment. "Let's go," he said finally.

"You disobey me?" Rumbled Okeer, his eyes narrowing. "I give you one last chance, my son."

"I am not your son. I obey my Battlemaster. She was there at my birth and my coming of age." Grunt strode purposefully towards the open doors. "I owe you nothing."

"Right on," muttered Shepard, sparing the warlord a last glance before following. "Let's get out of here. "

"Do not turn your back on me _, whelp."_

Shepard spun at the roar from behind them and saw Grunt pause on the platform outside the door out of the corner of her eye. She tensed as the older krogan slowly raised his omnitool and tapped quickly at it.

"You underestimate me, my boy," he growled. "I  _made_ you. You think I did not take steps to ensure your loyalty?"

Grunt made a strangled noise at the back of his throat and stiffened suddenly, grip tightening on his firearm. His arm wavered and then rose slowly, air hissing through his teeth in strain, until he was pointing the gun directly at Shepard.

"What the hell?"

"A primitive neural controller," said Okeer flatly. "In case he turned out…sub optimally."

Shepard raised her pistol, aiming between the older krogan's eyes. "We going to see if you can type in a fire command faster than I can pull this trigger? I'm betting no."

For a moment the world went still, teetering on the brink of gunfire. Okeer was the first to move, raising both hands placatingly. "We can avoid violence," he said finally. "Although the thought is anathema to any krogan. I merely want my creation back, undamaged."

"You want your  _plaything_  back." Shepard edged through the doors and eased the gun out of Grunt's hands, throwing it down the metal stairs behind them. "You built a control function into him? That's pretty sick. Now make nice and let him go."

Okeer shrugged and slowly lowered his omnitool, tapping a button. Grunt slumped and shook himself as Shepard reached a steadying hand towards him. She saw him lower his head to charge, roaring, only to freeze as the warlord tsked impatiently, omnitool raised. "Behave," he rumbled as the younger krogan quivered impotently with rage. "Attacking is pointless although your bloodlust pleases me, young one." A soft beep and Grunt relaxed again, exhaling harshly.

"You okay?"  _Got to get him to break out of that bastard's thrall or this, all of this_ _ **,**_ _is for nothing. I've put Garrus at risk for nothing._

Grunt was silent for a moment and then raised his eyes to meet hers.

"The perfect krogan," he said slowly. "It's all a lie. I'm a tool. Created to bend to someone else's will."

Shepard shifted uncomfortably. "That's not- you're your own person, Grunt. You're under my command. You're my crew. You chose to stay with me and I chose-" She hesitated. "You're my responsibility. I'll make sure nothing happens to you."

"Doesn't matter." He turned away from her, staring into the darkness beyond the platform. "You can't help me. He presses a button and I'm a puppet. Worse than a  _pet_." Swathes of sheet lightning outlined his impassive profile, bleaching his features.

"Why force him?" Demanded Shepard, shooting Okeer a furious glance. "You said yourself he's not got much time left. He's done enough for the krogan people. Saving the galaxy from the Reapers for one. Let him go, he deserves to choose."

"What for?" He glared at her. "So he can rot on some ship? All that potential  _wasted_. We have time, young one," he continued, raising his voice. Grunt half turned, listening. "Time to right some of the wrongs forced on our race."

"How much time do I have left?"

"Three years, maybe four." The warlord shrugged. "Long enough to make a difference. You're special, boy, I'm giving you a purpose _._ "

"Right," said Shepard tersely. "And if he happens to make a decision you don't agree with you press a button and he's your drone."

"Quiet, human! I'm offering him honour,  _glory_."

"All the things the Tank-Mother showed me," said Grunt quietly "And if I refuse? You'd keep me here?" He clenched a fist. "Shepard was right, she could have killed you in the time it took for me to pull that trigger. You can stop me attacking with your pitiful buttons but you can't make me fight the way you want me to. Not if I resist you."

Okeer slumped slightly. "No."

"So what's the point?" Said Shepard triumphantly. "He'll fight you all the way. What use is a krogan statue? In fact..." she drew her pistol in one fluid movement. "What's stopping me ending you right now so we can both get out of here?" She winked at Grunt who tilted his head to meet her gaze, amusement flashing in his eyes.  _Grunt makes his choice, we all go home happy. An unexpected lack of violence considering krogans are involved..._

"He defies me I'll kill him."

She stilled.  _Knew this was too easy._ "You're bluffing."

"You want to test me, human?" His hand was poised over his omnitool. "I key this command, his neural inhibitor overloads. Him, us, this building, all of it, gone."

" _Why-_ "

"You are the pinnacle of my life's work," said Okeer, his eyes fixed on the younger krogan's profile. "Without you there is nothing left for me."

"No, Grunt, don't listen to him. He never even- "

"Wait, Shepard." Grunt turned to face his creator fully. "He is offering me a choice. Die in battle or die a helpless weakling." He took a step back and lifted his head proudly. "I will die with honour. A warrior's death."

"This is not a choice.  _I_ made a choice, Grunt-" she began furiously.

" _Yes_ my son," hissed Okeer. "You have the chance to be a hero for your people. This is what you were made for! This is why I gave you  _life_!"

"Life," said Grunt. For a moment he looked up as the clouds parted suddenly, a multitude of stars peeking through. She saw him draw in a breath at the sight and in one awful, frozen moment Shepard  _knew._

"Wait...no, goddamit Grunt..."

"This is not life." He nodded at her almost imperceptibly. "I choose my own death. For you, Battlemaster."

She was moving before he'd even finished speaking, rushing towards him where he stood motionless on the platform, his eyes fixed on hers.  _We're up too high_ she thought feverishly. He stepped backwards, a sudden flash of lightning haloing him finally against the tortured sky.

" _NO!"_

He dropped soundlessly, unmoving and her eyes following him down as he was swallowed by the darkness.  _Come on, Grunt. Fear, pride, exhilaration,_ _ **anything.**_

Her knees hit the metal platform painfully, fingers gripping the edge.

" _Come on!"_

Time stretched and thickened. She waited there, Okeer forgotten, searching the darkness below her for any signs of movement. Closing her eyes, Grunt's final expression as he'd stepped backwards flamed against her tangled thoughts. The fierce determination so often animating his face had been absent, in its place a dull resignation.

"Wake up," she murmured helplessly, dropping her forehead to the cool metal. "Give me something. I chose you. I made the right choice.

_I made the right choice!"_ She screamed into the storm over and over until her ears rang and her throat was raw and-

* * *

\- she floated up through layers of darkness feeling wetness trickle down the back of her neck. Muffled shouting, footsteps all around her. She opened her eyes and tried to sit up, retching weakly with the effort and the pain that shot through her head at the movement. Momentarily she saw Samara turn towards her, her gaze sharp and tinged with uncertainty but then her vision whited out again, a fading scene of blood and frenzied movement imprinted on the inside of her eyelids.

The Medbay ceiling swam into view and she cleared her throat. Shepard turned her head, squeezing her eyes shut as flashing lights danced amidst sudden greyness. Swallowing convulsively she opened them again, dropping her gaze to see Tali, Samara and Joker. The Justicar was talking quietly with Chakwas by a curtained off cubicle whilst the pilot and engineer stood next to each other, the usually animated man's face set into grim lines, the silent quarian as inscrutable as ever.

Joker looked up as she struggled against the blankets. "Hey," he said weakly, eyes skittering away from hers.

"Where's Grunt -  _shit-_ " she fought a wave of nausea. "Did he-?"

"Commander..."

"Grunt's dead," said Tali softly. "He didn't make it off the bridge. Samara said he just..." she trailed off. "That his body..." She took a tentative step towards the bed. "What happened, Shepard?"

"He jumped." Doctor Chakwas moved away from Samara who stepped quietly past her bed and out of the Medbay without sparing her a glance. "He thought he didn't have a choice."

"He jumped?" Said Tali uncertainly. Her mask turned fractionally towards Joker who shifted from foot to foot.

"Yes he fucking  _jumped,_ Tali. I wasn't fast enough to stop him. Clear enough for you?"

"I don't understand-"

"I think it's time Commander Shepard was given some time to rest," said the doctor firmly, eyes on her datapad.

"But-"

"Go."

Shepard waited until they'd left the room. Joker chewed on a fingernail nervously and avoided her eyes, Tali paused by the door and half turned then shook her head and continued walking.

"Doctor..?" She managed, levering herself upright and doing her best to ignore the way the room jumped and spun around her, her vision darkening at the edges. Chakwas met her gaze for a long moment before answering. "Commander?"

"You...scanned him, right?" She dug a finger and thumb into the corners of her eyes." Was there anything in his head? Anything unusual? Something that might have stopped him from fighting? Controlled him in some way?"

"No," replied Chakwas, an edge of puzzlement to her voice. "No, there was nothing like that." She settled at her desk and rested a hand on her datapad. "Please rest now, Commander."

After the lights had dimmed and she was alone Shepard drew herself upright painfully and hobbled towards the curtained cubicle, slipping inside with a whisper of cloth. The sheet pulled up to cover the hulking figure on the bed was stiff with dried blood, the angles unfamiliar and viscerally  _wrong_. She pulled it down gently and gritted her teeth at the sight of the crushed and ruined face of her crewmate, the mutilated body.

"I chose you," she whispered and closed her eyes. In the end it had made no difference at all because he had chosen  _her._ In the end they would always choose her at the expense of themselves.

_Even the right decisions end in more pointless deaths_ she thought helplessly, gripping the sheet until it began to tear under her fingers, breathing against the cold ache spreading in her chest.  _Garrus-_

She sank slowly to the cold Medbay floor and let the memories wash over her one by one. Her squad, flashes of her laughing with them, drinking with them in alien bars... the steaming bodies, cleaning the splashes of what was left of them off her armour, running  _running_ ; she pressed the palms of her hands against her eyes with a groan. The soft looks Kaiden would give her when they were alone, the lift of his chin when she had ordered him to stay behind on Virmire; the glint of pride and respect in Grunt's eyes, his expression as he had stepped backwards and away from her. Faster and faster the images came, spooling in a relentless, agonising loop until she sank to the floor gasping, biting deep into her lip. Furious and desolate she curled her arms above her head, pulling fistfuls of the filthy sheet over her face. Drawing her knees to her chest, Shepard finally allowed the tears to scald her raw.

TBC.

 


	13. Interlude 3 - Trojan

**Interlude 3 - Trojan  
**

"-I think you ought to calm down- "  
" _Don't_ fucking tell me to calm down,  _cheerleader-_ "  
"All I'm saying-"  
"You've pretty much just accused the Commander of murder, Miranda."  
"That's not what I'm saying, Joker-"  
"The hell it isn't! I'm with Jack on this one."  
"Please Joker,  _listen_ to what she has to say-"  
"What the hell, Tali?"  
"All I'm  _saying,_ " began Miranda again, struggling to make herself heard over the rising voices, "is that we should consider the possibility that Commander Shepard's judgement may have become compromised following her recent experiences."  
"Operative Lawson may have a point-" conceded Mordin, nodding several times in succession.  
" _Thank_ you, Professor-"  
"- however unfounded her suspicions are – "  
"That is just what they are," Samara stated smoothly, turning to face Miranda from her contemplation of the console in front of her. "Merely suspicions. Tali, Joker, I believe Shepard herself has told you what happened. Do you have reason to disbelieve her?"  
"No." Joker folded his arms defiantly and glared up at Miranda from under his cap.  
"I…don't know…"  
"Oh come  _on,_ Tali-"  
"Let her speak, Mr. Moreau." Thane's soft voice sliced through the babble of noise in the briefing room, even silencing Jack who surrendered with one final muttered curse and a slam of her hand on the wall behind her.  
"She's been more agitated recently," began Tali quietly.  
"But- " Joker subsided, feeling Thane's gaze fall heavily on him. He fidgeted uncomfortably in his chair.  
"At first I thought it was the pressure of the mission, concern for the crew, especially, you know," she darted a look at the drell, observing the slight dip of his head as he clasped his hands behind his back, "Garrus…"  
"They have been friends for a long time," observed Thane. "Yet you cannot fault that she has rescued those of us deemed to be in the greatest danger regardless of her personal feelings."  
"I know," Tali shifted uncomfortably. "I know that. But it's been getting worse." She turned to Joker, wringing her hands. "You must have seen it. She's been jumpy. Sometimes she looks as though she's listening to something or…someone..." She shook her head. "I saw her go for her gun once for no reason. The security cameras. Have you noticed her doing anything odd recently?"  
Joker scowled. "You think I spend my free time spying on the Commander? Thanks a  _lot._ "  
He was silent for a long moment, reliving grainy images of Shepard freezing in a corridor, whirling and scrabbling for her pistol. Shepard sitting alone in the main battery, lips moving in silent conversation. Her figure floating against a dark background, arms stretched towards him in supplication.  
"…no."  
"Shep's saved all our asses. Sometimes less than prettily but she's the reason we're all standing here now  _trash talking_ her," spat Jack.  
"No-one's faulting her bravery," said Miranda sharply. "Or the fact that we owe her our lives. But she  _has_ been affected by the mission, we can all see that. She's been injured, sleep deprived and some of her decisions recently," she shot a look at Tali who flinched slightly, "have been questionable. The bottom line is, even if we brief her in the light of recent findings-"  
"You don't know what she'll decide-"  
" _I_  do!" Snarled Miranda. "We all do!" She won't leave him behind even if it means sacrificing the ship. If there's even the slightest chance she can get him out safely- "  
"I calculate there is an eighteen point four per cent chance she can disconnect Mr. Vakarian without incident-"  
"Thank you, Professor." Miranda took a steadying breath and glanced around the room pleadingly. "She'll see those as good odds, you know she will. Before we lost Grunt, maybe, we might have been able to persuade her otherwise. But right now, in her current state…" she spread her hands.  
"She will not let him die," finished Thane softly.  
Joker opened his mouth and then shut it again, an oppressive silence filling the room for long moments.  
"We must await her decision," said Thane finally. "Professor Solus, I would discuss your findings further with you, if you have no objection."  
"Of course. Must return to lab however."  
"I will accompany you."  
They reached the door together which opened to reveal an armoured figure standing with her arms folded, staring thoughtfully at the grated floor.  
"Commander."  
Shepard raised her head, gaze flinty. Her eyes were dark and shadowed in her pale face and her mouth was set into a grim line as she unfolded her arms and regarded her gauntlets critically.  
"Seems I'm missing something," she said slowly. "Care to tell me what it is?"  
"Operative Lawson will brief you," said Mordin. "Must return to lab. There if you need me."  
He scurried away, Thane offering her a brief nod as he passed. She eyed their departing backs speculatively before stepping into the Briefing Room, door sliding shut behind her.  
"Tali, report."  
"But – "  
"Shut up, Miranda. Tali's been working with Mordin closely on this and I want her opinion, not yours."  
The quarian shifted uncertainly under her gaze. "Do you want me to call the Professor back..?"  
"I want you to tell me what the hell is going on here." Shepard said dangerously. "We can discuss my questionable decision making skills later. An 81.6% chance of  _what_  happening if I try and pull Garrus out?"  
"I…the Professor thinks…and I-I agree that…" Tali's voice was strained and for a moment Shepard regretted forcing her to be the one to impart what was clearly bad news. Garrus and Tali had been friends too, the connection between the crew of the original Normandy was a strong one and up until now she'd trusted them to have her back…but now Tali doubted her. Her crewmate and so-called friend was questioning her actions, siding with a Cerberus lapdog. A spasm of rage suddenly hit her and she clenched her jaw, smoothing her face into a dispassionate mask.  _Fucking Cerberus. Was a mistake to trust any of them._  
Miranda was trying to undermine her, planting little seeds of doubt into the minds of her crew, slowly turning them against her one by one. Now Tali was pushing Joker and the others were listening, watching her, doubt would gather momentum until she had a full scale mutiny on her hands.  
 _Over my dead body-_  
"You okay, Shep?" She came back to herself with a jolt, realising her hands were fisted at her sides, her gaze on the console in front of her and that she hadn't heard most of the quarian's stuttered explanations.  
"I'm fine."  
Jack eyed her, a slight frown marring her smooth forehead. "You zoned out for a minute there."  
"I'm  _fine."_  
"Sorry." Shepard nodded with an effort. "Go on, Tali."  
"As I was saying," she continued nervously. "If we disconnect anyone else we think the probe will react with force. From what we were able to analyse it's defence systems are now fully online and the levels of radiation have been getting steadily higher as has its power transference."  
"Any thoughts on what might happen?" Shepard said evenly. There was a roaring in her ears and a steady throb of pain at the base of her skull. The room darkened and for a moment she fancied she heard Garrus call her name. She squeezed her eyes shut.  
"Any further interference and it will release a concentrated burst of radiation. We can't-" Tali's voice broke.  
"It'll fry us all to hell," said Miranda flatly.  
"You can't hack its systems?" She said distantly.  
"We can't get in. The only windows of opportunity were when someone was disconnected."  
"Extra shielding."  
"Professor Solus predicts a blast equivalent to a thermonuclear device. We could never withstand that." Tali gave a broken sob. "I'm sorry Shepard."  
She stood motionless for long moments and then glanced around at her crew. Miranda stood stiffly, knuckles white on her datapad. Tali and Joker were staring at the walls, postures stiff with suppressed grief. Samara gazed into the middle distance with a troubled expression on her normally serene face. Only Jack met her eyes and Shepard flinched inwardly at the pity she saw there.  
"So there's nothing we can do."  
 _There's nothing I can do. I can't get you out._  
"Commander, we need to figure out a way to get the probe and the remaining crew off the ship without triggering the device."  
"For Christ's _sake_ , Miranda, just…give us a moment, will you?" Joker sounded on the verge of tears himself.  
 _Garrus._  
She took a breath through the ache in her chest.  
 _I'm sorry._  
She took another, the air trickling into her lungs felt thin and cold, her face prickled unpleasantly from an unseen heat and the smell of ozone was in her nostrils.  
"She's right," she said harshly. "EDI, patch me through to the lab."  
"Yes, Commander."  
She raised her chin, forcing the words out between numb lips. "Professor?"  
"Yes, Shepard." Mordin's voice over the intercom sounded tinny and oddly subdued.  
"We need to figure out a way to displace the probe as far away from us as possible without it going off."  
"Will also have to displace attached crew."  
"I know that."  
"Have a few ideas. Need Tali and the biotics to test theory. Suggest you- " Mordin hesitated briefly, "-rest for a while, Commander. Will contact you when necessary. Mordin out."  
 _Over and out._  
Without a word she turned and headed up to her quarters, feeling the weight of their eyes on her back as she left. She stopped in front of the door.  
"You seriously thought I would go up against impossible odds, risk the entire crew and my ship for one crew member?" She asked quietly.  
"It was suggested that having to make such a difficult decision so soon after losing Grunt would influence your judgement," replied Samara evenly.  
" _I_ didn't make that decision,  _he_ made it," she snarled, furious again. She whirled and advanced, jabbing a finger towards a blanching Miranda. "I tried to stop him!  _He_ took that step,  _he_ wanted to believe he didn't have a choice! There was no time to persuade him otherwise, he wouldn't have believed me - did any of you?" She shot a glare at Tali. "He thought he was doing me a damn  _favour-_ "  
Grunt was suddenly standing passively in front of her. Then she was pulling a gun and shooting him between the eyes, blood arcing up the wall behind him. She remembered watching him crumple with something akin to satisfaction  
"No..." She put a hand to her head. "No, he- he  _fell..._ "  
"Shep?"  
"I should go." She turned blindly towards the doors. "I'll be in my quarters."

* * *

Her armour was scattered around the floor of her room. She surveyed the model ships she had collected through the shattered panes of glass and felt nothing. Fish lay amidst blood-stained shards on the wet carpet, the tank backlight making them gleam ethereally as she watched them writhe weakly and finally still. She watched the ghost in blue armour fill the doorway and ignored the growing heat of the flames at her back, rocking gently on the edge of her bed, the smell of burning hair all around her.

_You're not dead, Garrus. Not really._  
The stars whispered to her through the walls, little needles of light in the blackness.  
 _There's a chance I could get you out._  
He laughed, mandibles flaring. "One in five? That's tight, even for you, Shepard." His eyes were bright and amused. Kaidan giggled behind her.  
 _I can't let you go._  
"You have to let me go."  
She curled up on top of her bed, his breath warm on the back of her neck and watched the blood trickle slowly from her knuckles. Eventually she slept.  
The terminal bleeped, startling her awake. Her eyes were sticky and sore and, dammit, everything  _ached_ but she sat up slowly and moved over to her desk, ignoring her ruined quarters. A single message blinked at her from the screen and she frowned in confusion, skimming the contents.  
" _Shit._ " She straightened with a gasp. "EDI! Locate Thane Krios."  
"He is currently on the bridge, Commander."  
"Where's the rest of the crew?"  
"They are in the lab with the exception of Professor Solus who is also on the bridge."  
She ran.

* * *

She sprinted out of the elevator onto the bridge and immediately barrelled into Mordin who was standing a couple of paces in front of the door. They tumbled to the floor together in a flurry of startled yelps, muffled curses and tangled limbs.  
" _Mordin-"_  
"Shepard, I- "  
"Get  _off_ me!" She threw him to one side and rolled, levering herself upright quickly. Her hands brushed against a leather clad arm and she froze. Thane lay on the grated floor, hands folded across his chest in an approximation of his usual meditative pose, his face still.  
"No…" Her hand gently traced the cable winding towards him until it disappeared under his neck. Drops of blood gilded the panelling beside his shoulder.  
"Said he wanted to increase the odds of success," said Mordin quietly. "Increase in power supply has stabilised probe. Now calculate eighty seven point eight per cent chance you will remove next crew member without incident."  
"It wasn't his decision to  _make_. Why didn't you tell me what he was planning to do?"  
"Said you would stop him."  
"Damn right I would have!"  
"Mr Krios' reasoning was sound. Wished to avoid causing you more pain."  
She thought back over his last message to her and closed her eyes briefly.  _Took the decision out of my hands, didn't you? This your way of leaving the universe a brighter place?_  
Leaning over him she marvelled briefly at the peace in his face before pressing a soft kiss to his temple. "Alright," she whispered against the cool of his skin. "I'll take your trade and I'll make it count. Thank you." She touched her lips to his gently. "Goodbye, Thane."  
She settled onto her back and glanced at Mordin who proffered her a cable, a mixture of fear and anticipation coiling in her gut.  
"Good luck, Shepard."  
"Yeah."  
 _I can't promise to keep your secrets Sere, this is too important. But I will remember you and what you've done for me._  
She took a deep breath in and brought the cold metal to her neck.  
 _Hold on Garrus, I'm coming for you._

TBC.

* * *

_**Archived Messages**_  
 _untitled_  
 _From: Thane Krios_

__  
_My Siha,_  
 _I hope you will forgive me my temerity but I find I do not have it within me to witness you suffer any longer, not when I can offer a simple solution._  
 _So I give you a life for a life._  
 _My time is short and I wish my death to mean something. Not only in the manner of my passing but how I will be remembered._  
 _You will remember me, my Siha? I take comfort in this._  
 _I ask that you do not tell Officer Vakarian the specifics, I do not wish him to be unnecessarily discomfited._  
 _I do this for you and you only._

_Thane  
_

 


	14. Chapter 14

Blinking the dust from his eyes Garrus squinted down the scope and made a slow sweep of the rubble strewn street below him. He paused at a flash in the periphery of his vision, triangulating quickly to a small pile of detritus in front of an alleyway and easing the rifle over. Then he settled down to wait.

The steady waves of mercenaries overnight had gradually slowed. There was cover enough that he hadn't yet given away his vantage point, moving from window to window along the long office block, making sure he was never in the same place for too long. They'd run out of fodder eventually and then the one he most wanted to see would have no choice but to show up. The leader. The one who had run like a coward and left his team to die.

_Friend._

His mandibles flared in disgust and he had to force himself to ease his sudden death grip on the rifle.

_Betrayer. Murderer._

A growl escaped him. Distracted, he registered too late another flash in the periphery of his vision. He turned and ducked quickly but the incendiary round glanced off his chest and side, spinning him backwards into the wall, dissolving his armour and igniting a fiery agony as he scrabbled to remove it.

" _Dammit._ " He pulled away the rapidly melting undershirt and a good layer of skin with it, choking on the acrid smoke rising from the ruined chest plate beside him. The cool of the medigel took the edge off but it was the last of it and likely not enough to heal him properly. He grimaced. Out of medigel and rations, one day of rehydration left if he was lucky.  _Time's up, Garrus._ A dull whump from outside the window informed him the erstwhile sniper had fatefully encountered one of his thrown together explosive devices and for a long time afterwards there was silence.

He blinked himself awake, the sun was nearly at its zenith and he cursed himself for having fallen asleep without realising. Grabbing the rifle he edged back to the window, head down, smothering a groan at the stab of pain from his injury, and cautiously peeked over the sill. A lone figure stood at the end of the street, eyeing the buildings carefully before starting an approach. His heart thudded painfully in his chest at the slim, familiar figure; the stance, the armour, the way it moved, sliding from cover to cover, body taut with anticipation.

_Shepard._

* * *

Shepard opened her eyes to bright sunshine and uncurled herself from her prone position in the middle of a dusty thoroughfare. Cracked, blasted office blocks rose up and towered over her, windows dark and oddly watchful. Chin raised she listened for a while, hearing only the wash of the hot, dry wind over the piles of rubble surrounding her and the occasional pattering of stone fragments from the decaying buildings. Crouching behind a makeshift cover of pale stones she turned her head slowly to survey the street ahead. A dusty pennant moved lazily over a scorched building entrance, sand swirled over a multitude of footprints already beginning to fade. Here and there were dark stains trodden into the earthen road, a splatter on an office wall. Her eyes scanned the windows again.

_Careful._

Shepard stayed motionless, ostensibly to check for signs of life but also enjoying the sun on her face for the first time in  _forever,_ aching muscles relaxing by degrees, her mind gradually emptying of the static that had become an almost constant background hum without her realising. Eventually she sucked in a breath and pulled herself upright -  _t_ _ime to go -_ starting cautiously down the street, clinging to the shadow as much as possible, finding small areas of cover between the tall buildings. At the alleyway she stopped and peered around the corner.

" _Stop_."

She whirled and crouched, foot catching on a nearby piece of debris and sending her staggering a few steps backwards. She felt her boot catch on something metallic and swore.  _Pressure plate, dead man's trigger - I'd be covering most of this street otherwise._ She squinted against the sunlight reflecting off the broken glass in the office block, feeling a grin bloom on her face despite herself.

"That you, Garrus?"

Silence.

"Thanks for the warning but got a little problem here. Helping hand would be nice." She looked around quickly and dragged the largest block of stone she could reach towards herself, scraping earth carefully off the small metal plate under her foot with her free hand. "Wait. Ignore that, might have an idea." Nothing heavy enough by itself but she could stack a few rocks, might give her a few seconds to get some distance between her and the mine before everything came toppling down.  _Hopefully not literally._

"Stay where you are Garrus, don't want you caught in the blast." She threw a few more pieces of building on top of the precariously wobbling pile and took a deep breath.  _Barrier up, pick a direction and run. And hope to God you don't die because Thane would be really pissed at you._

She looked up quickly and saw that he was standing, rifle balanced on his shoulder, and watching her. "Get  _down,_ you idiot. You want more scars?" She grinned up at him again, giddy with exhilaration and relief at seeing him alive.  _As long as he's around I'm fucking invincible. Never tell him that, Shepard, he'd be so smug._ "Wish me luck."

Blowing out a quick breath she threw up a barrier with a guilty, muttered word of thanks to Jacob and took off down the street, head down, legs pumping. Distantly she heard the rocks begin to scatter and tried to accelerate as a muffled explosion slammed her in the back, the shockwave knocking the air out of her and sending her rolling and bouncing down the street, finally ending up sprawled against a worn set of steps. Her ears were ringing and cautious exploration found a trickle of blood leaking from her nose but the limb count was present and correct and, laughing crazily, she decided that it was one  _beautiful_ day. Still giggling breathlessly she staggered to her feet and waved.

"I'm okay!" She reeled a little and steadied herself, hands on her knees, before pushing herself upright again. "Get your turian ass down here, don't make me come in there and get y- "

The shot registered only dimly, her head still buzzing from the explosion. Pain exploded across her right shoulder, the impact spinning her back face down into the dirt. She only had time to think breathlessly that if she'd still been crouching the shot would have found her head before instinct took over and she was rolling behind the nearest point of cover.  _Dammit. How could I miss another shooter? Stupid,_ _ **stupid**_ _, to let yourself get distracted._ Forcing herself over with a smothered groan she sat up, pressing her back against the pile of debris and working at the clasp of her armour until she could get a good look at her shoulder. A through and through. Painful but not life threatening seemed to have missed the lung but she wouldn't be shooting straight on that side for a little while. No bandages, no medigel, the under tunic and pressure from the chestplate would have to do. She tightened the fastenings again, tugging viciously enough that the resulting stab of pain made the world spin slightly and angled her head back.

"Garrus, I'm hit. You got eyes on the shooter?"

There was a long pause as she strained to hear any sounds of approaching movement.

"You shouldn't have come here, Shepard." His voice floated down, its warm resonance folding around her like a blanket and she smiled involuntarily, closing her eyes.

"You think I'd leave you here all alone? With the mines and the sniper and the great weather?"

"There is no sniper, Shepard."

She frowned, opening her eyes again. "Funny, Garrus. Who the hell shot me then?"

"You shouldn't have come back. Not after what you did to us. To  _me._ "

A trickle of cold started at the back of her neck, oozing downwards to spread across her back and around her chest.

" _You_ shot me?"

"You figuring it out now?"

_No. Stay calm. Keep him talking._ "I don't understand. But you warned me about the mine"

"Your death belongs to  _me._ I'm the one who's going to finish this." He voice grew fainter and she knew he was reatreating inside the building, moving closer to her, trying to find a clear shot. "There was only one way this was going to end, Shepard."

She took quick stock of her position. The offices extended the length of the street. If he could access all areas of the building she'd be a sitting duck.  _Alley too far away. I'll never make it; he's too good a shot._  That left one option. Vaulting over the makeshift cover she threw herself up the steps and into the shadow of the building, armour scraping the wall, running quickly towards the entrance. She hurled herself inside, skidding across the marble floor as she heard three quick shots impact the ground behind her. Pushing herself to her feet she staggered under a sudden pressure that crushed her ribs, the feeling of  _something_ working its way up through her throat and constricting it so she could barely breathe.

She wanted to laugh at the irony of it all. All those trials, all those fucked up experiences, the fighting, the  _sacrifices_ she had made had leading up to this, to getting Garrus the hell out of here. Garrus who now wanted her dead.  _Can't catch a break, huh Shep?_ The laugh was a bark that turned into a sob and she fell to her knees. No, not laugh, she wanted to to scream then to punch her way through every fucking marble pillar in the room until her eyes cleared and the weight lifted off her chest so she could think clearly through the wall of white noise threatening to overwhelm her.

"Get up."

Tired. She rested her forehead on the cool floor and heaved in a breath, feeling the strength draining from her limbs.

"Get  _up._ " Garrus stood on the landing above her, rifle balanced carefully on a chipped banister.

"I'm sorry, Garrus. I don't- what did I do?" She pushed herself to her knees and shook her head in confusion. "Can you at least tell me? Is this-? I can't  _think._ "

"You let them die. You  _left_."

"I didn't let anyone die."  _Not true, not true_ sang Kaiden in her head.

"They were my  _team._ "

She shook her head. "No...no, Grunt...I tried to save him. Thane made his own decision, it  _wasn't me._  I came for you, Garrus, I didn't leave you. How could I leave? " She started to giggle and found she couldn't stop, throwing her head back until her stomach ached and her eyes were streaming.

"What are you talking about, Shepard?" Annoyance and a tinge of concern in his voice, quickly hidden. "What's so  _funny_?" She saw his grip tighten on the rifle and tried to compose herself.

"This. All of this," she managed. "I don't know what to do, Garrus." She wiped a hand across her mouth and looked up at him. "You were supposed to help me."

"Help you?" He gazed down at her for a moment. "I want you to  _die_ , Shepard. For what you did to my team and to me. You set us up. They were under my command and you had them  _slaughtered."_ " He was talking, still talking, his voice rising and falling, bolts of sound echoing around the cold stone room, painful punctuations to the buzzing in her head.

"You think I pulled a Sidonis on you?" She saw his mandibles twitch slightly in confusion. " _Think_  Garrus. Try and remember. That wasn't me."

"I don't know what the hell you're playing at, Shepard," he snarled. "I don't know what a Sidonis is. I want to know why you did it. To me. Why- " His voice faltered slightly and she sagged again.  _This is your nightmare, Garrus. That I betray and abandon you. One more dispensable crew member, subject to my mission priorities._ A bitter curl of her lip.  _Can't really blame you looking at my personal history. But I would have thought you of all people-_

"It wasn't me. You have to believe that."

She heard the faint click of a thermal clip being loaded.

_No way out_ she thought suddenly.  _He kills me, he stays, he dies. I kill him, he dies. Either way it's over._ She drew herself up slightly.  _At least the others are safe._

"I could tell you the truth but you wouldn't believe me," she said softly. "How could you believe me?"

"Tell me." The curt order was a gunshot in the silence of the room, a thousand whispers echoing in its wake.

"Tell you what?" She breathed. "That this is all an illusion? A nightmare built just for you to keep you hurt and angry and alone?" She raised her head, eyes pleading on his. "I didn't kill your team. I came to find you, Garrus. I came such a long way to find you. I finished the missions, I played the game to the end and I lost. There's nothing more I can do." She let out a long, slow breath, wetness sliding down her cheeks. "If you can't believe me I don't have anything else."

"I saw it happen. I  _saw_ you watching."

"Yeah. I'm sure you did."  _Mission failed._  "Doesn't matter anyway." She scrubbed a hand across her face viciously and staggered to her feet.

"You're right, you know. There's only one way this can end." In one smooth movement she pulled her pistol from the holster, dimly registering him dropping into a crouch, rifle at his shoulder. "There's nothing left for me back there. Not without you."

"Drop it, Shepard." He sighted carefully down the barrel as she slid in a fresh clip and stared at the gun in her hands as it if were some complicated puzzle she had to solve.

"I'm sorry, Garrus." She raised it lightning fast, finger already firm on the trigger.

" _Shepard!"_

The shot was deafening and brought with it a strange moment of frozen time, a crystallised memory of his eyes on her. The impact of the shot spun Shepard backwards onto the floor, the gun skittering out of her hand, blood torrenting down in warm pulses and filming her vision with red. A shadow fell across her; he was standing close, form indistinct and wavering. Garrus knelt, turning her over gently and she tried to smile up at him, fingers outstretched, as everything faded, finally and blissfully, to blackness and silence.

* * *

The taste of metal in her mouth, booted feet harsh on the grating, shouting. Strong, unyielding arms, tightening as frantic conversation blared around her, people trying roughly to pry them away. She raised a hand, fingers searching desperately  _can't see can't see anything are my eyes open-?_

"It's okay. I'm here. I've got you." A warm hand folded around hers bringing with it a familiar, reassuring smell. "I've got you. No, wait. Stay with me, Shepard. Shepard?  _Doctor-_ " A faint sound of alarms as she was swirled away back down into unconsciousness.

Pinpoints of light swam into her vision, a vacillating field of stars with edges of flickering blue. She was in her quarters and  _damn_ did her head ache. Scrabbling weakly she tried to push herself up with a groan, gentle pressure on her chest forcing her back onto the pillows with little resistance.

"Stay down."

"No choice, my head feels like it's been split open."

"Pretty accurate description."

"I should kick your ass all the way round my ship, Garrus. You shot me.  _Again._ "

"Your fault, I had to get the gun out of your hand somehow."

"You could have shot the damn gun instead." She chanced a look at the figure perched uncertainly on the edge of her bed, squeezing her eyes shut as the room tilted around her. Opening them cautiously she focused on the gentle undulations of the water in her aquarium, the stillness of her model ships. Garrus cleared his throat and fidgeted slightly.

"I tried. You moved."

"Moved, huh? Maybe you're not as good a shot as you think you are, Vakarian." She attempted a weak smile. "How did I get up here?"

"You don't remember?"

"I was shot in the head, Garrus. Give me a break."

"Don't be so dramatic, it skimmed over that thick skull of yours. It was the shoulder that nearly finished you off. Through and through but hit an artery. Should have seen the puddle you made when we got your armour off. After Dr. Chakwas stitched you back together you tried to punch me, demanded to be allowed to return to your quarters then passed out."

"Did I get you?"

"Afraid not, Commander. Brought you up here as penance but feel free to try again later."

"I might just do that."

She watched as he picked at a thread on his civvies, eyes on the floor in front of him. "Shepard-"

"It's okay."

"Shepard, I was trying to kill you."

"Yeah, even in an artificial reality I can piss you off  _that_  much."

"Even then..."

"It wasn't your fault. We don't have to talk about it."

"No, I want to-" He shifted to look at her directly. "Even then, when it got down to it and you were right there in front of me, not some moving target on the battlefield, I couldn't let you do it. As much as I hated you, as much as I wanted to... _finish_  it...I couldn't let you die." He fell silent and they gazed at each other for long moments. "And that's me  _really_ hating you."

"There's a fine line, isn't there?" She replied, closing her eyes. "Shit, Garrus that was almost a proposal. Can it wait 'til I'm feeling better? I want to remember that winsome expression, if possible without that rotting bandage."

"You do have a thing for scars, I knew it." His eyes glinted with amusement and after hesitating briefly he reached out and ran warm fingers through her hair. "I remember what you said to me. In that place. No taking it back."

She turned her face away slightly and he stilled, watching her. "I should leave you to sleep," he said finally. "Need to catch up with the rest of the crew. Swap war stories of What We Did To The Commander With Our Brains." He looked down. "Also need to figure out what to do with that thing in the airlock." She felt his weight leave the bed and cool air rush in to take his place.

"Wait." He paused at the entrance, his face shadowed, and she had a sudden memory of a cold, humourless voice giggling behind her as she watched a ghost in the doorway. A room full of shattered glass. She put a hand to her head to still the sudden buzzing and blinked. "The other thing. What I said...in there. We can talk about that later. I need to tell you about the others first. Before you speak to Miranda or Tali."

"Lie down."

"About Grunt. Some of the crew think- "

"Not now, Shepard."

"They don't trust me."

He tilted his head and then approached her slowly, kneeling at the side of her bed. "Everything's going to be fine, Shepard. They've told me everything. You did what you had to do."

"I had to leave people behind," she gasped. " _Again_ , Garrus. Jacob, Legion..." she swallowed, "...Thane."

"Rest. We'll talk about it later."

"Stay with me a while."

"That an order, Commander?"

"Don't make me, damn stubborn turian." She shifted sideways, making room and watched as he carefully lowered himself onto the bed, head level with hers. Letting her eyes drift shut she felt him gently snake an arm around her waist and pull her closer. The warm touch of a forehead on hers.

"Sleep now."

* * *

She woke later in an empty bed, sheets twisted around her, sore but lax and content. The previously stabbing headache had faded to a dull throb and sitting up experimentally the room seemed to tilt less than before.  _Shower_ she thought, rubbing her arms against sudden goose pimples  _then food._ She swung her legs over the side and stifled a shriek of surprise when she caught sight of a figure sitting at her personal console.

"Goddamit Garrus, you nearly gave me a heart attack!  _Jesus._ " She looked up when he didn't answer, his eyes points of cold light in the illumination from the screen. "What's wrong?"

"Were you going to tell me about this?" He said quietly.

"About what?"

"Thane."

"You're snooping around my e-mails now?"

"It was on the screen, Shepard. I only came over here to look over some calculations Tali sent and I saw this. How could you let him do it?"

She stood abruptly. "I didn't _'let'_  him do anything," she hissed. "I had no idea what he was planning and by the time I found out it was too late to do anything about it."

"Oh,  _come on._  You knew he was in love with you. He'd do anything for you! This is just the sort of stupid  _martyrish_  gesture he'd think of!"

"Why the hell are you so angry about it?" She said furiously. "I chose you, didn't I? And he knew that's what I'd choose. He did us both a  _favour._ " She balled her fists, fighting down a mixture of anger and guilt. "And he asked me not to say anything. Probably because you'd react like  _this._ "

Garrus shot up, knocking the chair over and strode towards the door.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm sorry, Shepard. I understand what you're saying and for what it's worth I...believe you."

"Then why are you leaving?"

"Because I need to think. Because I didn't  _ask_ for this and because a man sacrificed himself for me and you're still not sure he made the right decision."

"And what the hell would you know?"

"I know you, Shepard. The mission comes first with you,  _always_ the mission. And the mission is yours, the decision yours. He took away that decision, forced your hand. There's a part of you that wonders whether this isn't more important than it should be because of what he did."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you should figure out whether this is really what you want because I can't do this with him hanging over us like some damn spectre."

"You're putting this on me now?" She snapped. "There are three crew members down on my bridge, including him, who are  _still alive_  and you want to talk about 'us'? Fuck you, Garrus."

The door whooshed shut behind him and she howled in fury before collapsing back onto the bed. Where the hell had that come from? Stupid, paranoid turian. She wasn't hearts and flowers, he knew that, and still he was pushing her to...to...outline the parameters of their relationship. Or some bullshit. Not the time, now was not the time. Maybe afterwards when the threat of imminent death had subsided.  _As much as it ever does._ She rolled herself to a sitting position, trying to calm her thundering heart. The relief of having him back was still overwhelming, no matter how much of an ass he was being. She'd tell him that, after they'd dealt with the situation. There were a lot of things she wanted to tell him but they could all wait.

_Shower first._

She pushed herself off the bed and was heading towards the bathroom when she felt the sting of sharp edges cutting into her feet. Frowning, she realised her quarters were in tatters, vague memories of smashing her aquarium surfaced amidst the frustration and weariness. Too late she realised that the broken glass was still all around her but she hadn't noticed until now.

TBC

 


	15. Against A Dark Background

She drifted through the ship, a black clad ghost treading through the silence that remained in the empty rooms, the atmosphere worn thin with absence. Time was immaterial; the plan would either work or it wouldn't. All that was left was to trust in her crew and to offer a prayer for fair winds at their backs. Trust in her crew. They had trusted her, the ones still held fast in the web of nightmare, trusted her to the end. The others, well, she suspected some of them would be parting company with the Normandy at the next available port and she couldn't find it in her heart to blame them after everything that had happened.

The armory was dimly lit, the guns glistening dully in their neat rows, ordered and reliable much like the man who tended them –  _sorry Jacob, never got to spill those drinks._  She ran a fingertip along the bench he used to prop himself on, arms folded, head tilted quizzically. His expression was attentive in her memory and...kind. She turned the image over carefully in her mind and then stored it away with those of the other soldiers lost under her command.

The dull red light of the AI core stained her hands. She stood there for some time turning her palms over and then over again, the lack of background noise scattering her thoughts. Technically Legion had never been alive, a thing of moving parts and logic and innocence. Not much different to her in the end apart from the innocence. She pinched the bridge of her nose feeling old and stained and weighted down with the knowledge that despite everything it's absence from the room made her feel like she was in an airless metal coffin. She left quickly, feeling the walls beginning to close in around her.

The Life Support lettering seemed too lurid as she exited the elevator, crawling across her vision and raising the hairs on the back of her neck. She paused in front of the door for and contemplated the scuffed grating between her boots, letting the anger, regret and frustration burn long trails through her gut.

_Not productive_ she thought fiercely.  _Weak, self-pitying._ She palmed the door control.  _You're wasting time._

The rebuke didn't stop her striding in, teeth gritted, ready to turn around and leave instantly but a dark figure gilded by the wash of the glow from the Core jerked in surprise and she was scrabbling for her gun with a smothered yelp before it resolved itself into the familiar shape of her turian crewmate.

"Commander."

"Garrus." He watched silently as she re-holstered her pistol and leaned against a nearby wall, folding her arms and affecting a casual air she certainly did not feel.

"What are you doing here?"

"Same as you, Shepard," he scratched at the edge of the table with a blunt talon. "Always room for a little more self-loathing," he added, turning his head to look out at the Core behind him. "Anyway, I was going to come up and talk to you after I'd finished in here."

"What  _are_ you doing in here, Garrus?" She asked curiously, pushing off the wall and moving to stand beside him. "Self-loathing aside I'm touring the ship. Something big's about to go down, need to make sure she's okay."

Say goodbye, you mean," he tilted his head slightly to regard her, "just in case."

"That too. You still haven't told me why you're in here."

"I don't really know, if I'm honest," he said with a sigh. "When I left your cabin I was so... _angry._ I went straight down to the gym and kicked the crap out of the practice dummy."

"Is it still in one piece?"

"Not entirely."

Shepard chuckled and bumped his arm with her shoulder. "What with you, Jack and Grunt-" she faltered then recovered, swallowing hard, "-we've had to replace the damn thing four times now so I made sure we had spares." She turned him to face her gently at his huff of amusement. "We okay?"

"Yeah," he lowered his forehead to touch it to hers gently. "I don't even know why I was so angry with you, Shepard, I'm sorry." He admitted, running tentative hands up her back. "It was a lot to take in and I was still on edge after...what happened..."

"Get over it, Vakarian," she growled, pressing herself into him and touching her lips to his mandibles until a careful, exploratory tongue danced over her mouth and his hands drifted lower and squeezed.

"Careful, Commander," he rumbled, sending delightful vibrations through her chest, "you might start something you can't finish." Laughing at her frustrated moan, he swung her around suddenly to sit her on the table, stepping forward in between her thighs. He tipped his head back to watch the sudden tightness in her face as he brought the back of one hand to skid down her abdomen, knuckle stroking lower and then stilled, his attention caught by something behind her. Tracking his gaze she saw he was looking at Thane's empty chair and then stood without a word, dropping a last soft kiss onto his chest.

"We'd better go find the others. Get this over with." She left without looking back.

"All right, Shepard," he murmured to the empty room before following slowly.

* * *

The crew stood on the Bridge arranged in various attitudes, watching her silently after Mordin had finished outlining his plan. It was dangerous, crazy and a large part supposition and conjecture but it was the only one they had and it might just get them away from the probe intact. She was acutely aware of the prone bodies on the floor and the missing crew members and she paused for a while, just watching the slow rise-fall of the organic chests and the dim pulsations of the inorganic one.  _They're still alive_ she thought, guilt scrambling her thoughts until she forced herself to concentrate, sweeping each of the crew in turn, noting how Tali avoided her gaze and that Miranda's eyes were suspiciously red-rimmed.

"Say your goodbyes now," Shepard said roughly. "Whatever happens next this is your last chance to-"  _blame me_ "-honour them."  _They helped saved the galaxy,_ were the words left unsaid. _They don't deserve to go out like this._ "Honour their sacrifices." She folded her arms, fists clenched tight. "I'm just sorry I couldn't do more."

"Jacob was a soldier," offered Miranda softly, not looking up. "He would have said his sacrifice was necessary and that he'd have been proud to have served with you." Shepard regarded her with faint surprise.

"You believe that?"

"I do."

The only responses she was capable of would have been banal, lip service to calm the jolt in her chest at Miranda's quiet suggestion so instead she stepped back to lean against the railing instead and gestured, trying to force down the rising nausea. "Take some time, people."

She stayed where she was, watching as the others moved between the still figures, some pausing, some stopping to kneel but all whispering quiet, private thoughts into unhearing ears. Goodbyes. A luxury she herself couldn't afford – she was the instigator, the scapegoat, the  _Commander_ and their deaths like so many others were all seared onto her conscience, burns that a few hurried murmurings would never completely salve. She turned away and started at the still figure that appeared in front of her suddenly. "Tali?"

"I...would like to return to the fleet, Shepard. If we get through this, of course." The quarian shifted uncomfortably as several heads turned to listen in on their conversation. A warning glance from Shepard dissuaded their attention and a small, waiting huddle grouped in front of the elevator, determinedly looking anywhere but at the two of them.

"Can't say I blame you," she replied evenly. "Kind of expected it, in fact. I'll be sorry to see you go, Tali."

"Shepard-"

"I broke your trust. As far as I'm concerned that's the worst thing a CO can do."

"No, that's not it," Tali shook her head fiercely. "That's not why I'm leaving. I thought I was beginning to find my place in the galaxy, finally, after leaving the Fleet. I thought I knew myself. But I don't at all," she added bitterly, wrapping her arms around herself. "All this, you. And now I'm watching the enemy of my people die and hoping that the  _bosh'tet_ has enough of a soul so it can find peace! I don't know who I am any more, Shepard. Part of me knows I would do the same thing you did to me and calls for forgiveness and the other part hates you for it. I can't stay here."

"It's okay, Tali. Whatever you need." Tali gave a short nod by way of a response and with one unwilling backwards glance at Legion, went to join the little knot of people waiting expectantly. Shepard watched her go, catching Garrus' eye as she passed him, relaxing at his reassuring nod.

"Professor," Mordin trotted over eagerly at her gesture. "Everyone briefed?"

"Yes, Commander."

"This going to work, Mordin?"

He nodded several times in succession before catching her eye and shrugging. "Many variables, data incomplete. Any instability in modified throw field will cause probe to react. Jack aims shockwave incorrectly, probe will react. Defensive capabilities of probe unknown, Normandy may not get to safe distance before probe- "

"- reacts, yes I get it. It's beg a deity time." She zipped up her spacesuit and raised her voice, shooing the salarian towards the others. "Let's do it, people. Anyone who doesn't need to be on the Bridge, leave now. Samara, Jack, time to suit up." A warm hand moved from her neck down to the small of her back leaving unseen goose-pimples in its wake and she smiled involuntarily. "Get out of here, Vakarian. Don't make me kick your turian ass."

"Shepard," he took hold of her chin gently. "In case this doesn't work-"

"It  _will_ work, Garrus." She smiled up at him with as much confidence as she could muster. "No goodbyes. I'll see you on the other side." Shepard tilted her head to peer around him. "You too, Joker."

Her pilot scowled mutinously. "You're gonna let EDI drive? What happens if the probe gets a hold of her?"

"Statistically unlikely, Jeff. If the plan 'goes to hell' as you put it, the VI will react with force rather than try to commandeer the Normandy's systems."

"See?" Smirked Shepard. "More chance of exploding than getting your ship dented, so play nice and let EDI have a turn. Off the bridge, Flight Lieutenant - I don't want to see you broken in half by a stray shockwave."

"Fuck you, Shepard," countered Jack, tugging at her spacesuit irritably. "Ain't nothing stray about me."

"Yeah, you got a bell on that collar now, Jack," she grinned as the other woman flipped her and then frowned.

"Gotta say, Shep, feeling the pressure a bit."

"We will be fine," interjected Samara smoothly, throwing a neutral glance in Joker's direction which had him hastening off the Bridge, much to Shepard's amusement - even Samara's tamer looks inspired guilt as well as a subtle reminder to the subject that they should be Doing The Right Thing. "The Goddess will protect us."

"Whatever," muttered Jack. "Just don't fuck up the field."

"I will endeavour not to do so," replied the asari with a faint smile, turning to follow Shepard's gaze as the doors finally slid shut on the hovering group. "Are we ready?" She touched her gently to get her attention, watching as the Commander dragged her eyes away from the empty space where the others had been standing.

"EDI?"

"Core is ready to go online on your mark, Shepard."

Unbidden she felt Jack's hand slip into her right, Samara's into her left.

"Let's do it. On three. One...two... _mark-_ "

* * *

In the end she was never quite sure whether things had happened in slow motion or too fast for her to process; every time she tried to go back over the series of events in her mind all she could recall were brief flashes of sensation. The feel of hands gripping her own, the shuddering of the Normandy as it accelerated away, bright biotic flares and a roaring in her ears before a ringing silence fell. The grating was cold under her head, her neck ached and there was a metallic taste in her mouth. There were voices at her ear but she couldn't make out the words, slurred and garbled as they were; her limbs were heavy and unco-ordinated

-  _the hell I'm waiting out there –_

_\- life signs are stabilising –_

Shepard sucked in a deep breath, pushed past the spike of pain in her head and sat up gingerly, opening her eyes to see Jack and Samara looking at her with some concern. Their forms wavered and she blinked a few times, bringing her hand up to feel wetness on her lip.

"Your nose is bleeding, Commander."

"I'm assuming it worked."

"Yeah," said Jack quietly. "It worked..."

"And..?"

The biotic shrugged, not meeting her eyes. "And nothing. No explosions, no fucking  _anything._ "

Shepard frowned. "I don't get it. EDI?"

"Jack is correct. The probe and connected crewmembers were safely ejected and the Normandy achieved the calculated minimum distance. I have detected no change in the probe's status."

"The-" she forced the words out around the tightness in her throat, "- life signs?"

"I detect neither life signs nor power signatures, Shepard."

_That was it?_ She pressed a hand to her forehead and winced, her blood splashed onto the metal of the floor.  _Not with a bang but a whimper._

"Launch a warning beacon, EDI. No-one is to come within fifty clicks of that thing." Heaving herself up she staggered to the cockpit and peered out of the window – the probe was beyond what she could see but the image of the gently wheeling forms of her crew, frozen and floating against a dark background pressed at her. She turned away without a word and headed to her quarters, waving away the quiet offers of help.

* * *

"I don't understand," She pressed harder against his long, lean body, curling herself around him as the stars blurred past overhead. The cool blue of the fish-tank cast shadows over his face and a brief chill raced over her at a flicker of memory.  _Shattered glass, blood -_

"Don't second guess yourself, Shepard. It could have gone either way. I'm just thankful things turned out okay, you should be too."

"I know...but it almost seems too..."

"Anti-climactic, I know. But I'll take that over exploding in fiery death any day." He turned to face her, arranging himself carefully in the nest of blankets. "How are you feeling?"

"Doc says I'm doing alright," she shrugged. "My head aches, things are a bit blurry round the edges...weird flashbacks but she says that'll fade over time. "  _Easy. That's what I wanted to say. Too easy-_

"Good," he ran a gentle hand down her flank and her train of thought evaporated. For a while all was touch and sensation, fingers gliding, exploring bringing warmth and urgency until her breath was coming fast. Her head spun and she arched helplessly into the mattress, heart beating wildly in her chest.

\- his arm feels nice around her so she leaves it where it is, the sun is hot on her face and a light breeze pulls at her hair. Miranda gestures with a pointer and Joker heckles lazily _-_

-  _we had her, we fucking had her but the patterns are merging again –_

\- her hands move gently over the unburned parts of his chest as he lies on the grated floor of the Bridge, tracing the outlines under the pretext of checking his bandages -

_-_ _ **do**_ _something! –_

_-_ he's lying in a pool of his own blood as Thane watches her with something undefinable in his eyes and her chest is constricted so much she can't even cry out -

_\- Shepard, you have to –_

\- she's telling him she can't go on without him as the muzzle of the pistol presses cold against her forehead –

-  _we're_   _losing her –_

-  _there's nothing left for me back there, Garrus._ The tears are burning down her face and the echo of distant voices licks at the inside of her mind _-_

_-_ _ **Shepard! –**_

_\- not without you._ His body is warm and reassuring against hers, his presence an anchor when she begins to float away. When he's with her the din is muted and everything _-_

"Shepard?"

She jerked against him and gasped, static flaring and ebbing at the edges of her vision meeting the bright eyes shaded with concern. "Shepard, are you okay?"

"I'm...fine. I'm fine. Just-" She shook her head feeling his warm hand stroke the back of her neck. "I'm sorry, Garrus. I need a little time." He touched his forehead to hers, warm breath heating her suddenly chilled face.

"Stay with me?" He nodded briefly before pulling the sheets up around them until they were completely cocooned, the darkness soothing and comforting her, stilling the clamour in her head and the throbbing behind her eyes. "Don't let go."

"I'm right here Shepard, just relax," he whispered, cradling her to his chest. "Sleep," he urged, pulling her close.

"I won't let you go."

\- END -

 


End file.
